I am struggling so much at the moment. Thoughts, urges everything in overdrive. I am seeing things and it really scares me. Things come to life, faces in the window. Last night the smells started. It really scares me.
Self harm has never been the issue for me. It's the way I feel. What happens to me when I feel like this. The lack of sleep, the thoughts, the way in which I feel is so low, so hopeless, and even though I do know it will end, I still feel like it is going to last forever. Rational thought goes out the window.
In the past I have used self harm as a way of coping when I feel like this. It gives a temporary release, it gives a sense of control, it feels like the lid on the pressure cooker has been taken off. It takes something away, which does make things that little bit easier to handle.
But self harm isn't acceptable is it? It's socially unacceptable. It leaves you with scars. People see the scars and think that you are crazy that you would harm yourself like that. That you are unstable. That there is something wrong with you? So that is why I am trying not to self harm. I don't want any more scars. There's also a chance that I won't be able to go to the gym as it would be too painful on the wound. I am trying to lose weight. I am trying to make myself feel better about myself. I want to continue to go. I am also training for a long distance walk, so I am trying to get fit, I don't want to let people down. Also, there is something about getting lost in the music and really pushing myself to the extreme that I quite like, it is a control thing in a way, in how much I can control what I do, what limit can I push myself to. In some ways, sometimes like the self harm in how much pain can I inflict on myself. A test!
So that is why I haven't broken up a razor and cut yet. I am really fighting hard. If I can't go to the gym, I won't lose weight when it comes to weigh day, this in turn will make me feel worse about myself and make me feel more ugly.
The scars make me feel defective. They make me feel really ugly. I have pushed away people who I could be close to as I don't want them to see the scars. Even more so I have lost weight. I can see an end in sight with my weight. I want to lose another 2.5 stone. So I am more than half way now. I am the smallest I have been since I was about 18-19. I am still a size 14-16 on top and 18 on the bottom. I aim to be a 14 on bottom, and 12 in dresses. Now I see the end in sight, my scars have been a massive bother again. I will never feel good about myself. They are always going to be there. It's more socially acceptable to be over weight than to be scarred by self harm isn't it? Even though the person who is over weight could possibly be slowly killing themselves. They are setting themselves up for a MI, a stroke, diabetes. My BMI is still around 31. So, I am at higher risk of these. But, you don't look at a fat person and think what the hell is wrong with them, why would they do that to themselves, why would they slowly kill themselves. I don't look at people with scars like that, but I am sure there are more people out there who look at self harm like that. That look at it as a way of attention seeking behaviour. Crazy behaviour!
And, every time I see them it invokes different emotions. Most of the time it is disgust with myself, I feel defective, I feel ugly. Then I remember why they are there. How I felt when I was doing it. The sense of relief and that it is such an easy way to release some of pain, how it gives me a sense of control, the euphoric feeling I get when doing it. And it makes me want to go and do it all again. Only rarely, I can see them and be thankful I am not in that place I was then, that I am not in hospital and that I am trying. At the moment though, I am not there. Because I feel like I am back in that place.
I am low, I am seeing things, I am smelling things, I am battling with urges to self harm, I am battling with urges to end it, I fantasise scenarios and which I can end it.
I told this to the doctor yesterday. His response was a long the lines of that I've not self harmed, so I must be doing ok! Grrrrrrrr.
Actually no. It's harder than it was before. It is much harder. I am not going to cut. I need to train for this long distance walk, I need to get fit, I don't want to be seen at the fat crazy one when I go to the USA with the girls in May. I want to do something that makes me feel better about myself. If I cut, I am not sure if I will be able to continue to do that. I don't want to be the big one in the group. I want to blend in to the background.
I have told G most of this about how I feel and other people in the past. They tell me that other people's opinions don't matter and that I shouldn't be caught up on what people think of me. That this is my main problem, that I worry too much about other people's opinions. That possibly through psychology we can work towards changing that. That these feelings are part of my personality that are ingrained in me and that with therapy we can work towards changing that. He's never said that, but sometimes that is how I feel that they possibly think. Is it so wrong to be worried about people's opinions of you? To be worried about what people think? I don't think so.
People see that I am managing to go to the gym, that I manage to see friends and family, that I haven't been in hospital since April last year, that I haven't cut, that I haven't got so drunk I have passed out and they assume that I am ok. They think I am coping. Well, I'm not. If anything it is worse for me. It also makes me think that they think I have self harmed as a way of getting across just how much I am struggling. That, I do it to show them I am not ok. It pisses me off. Most of the time I don't even tell them about the self harm. I don't tell them about the swallowing, I don't tell them every time I have cut or harmed in anyway. I have only tended to tell them when I have had to seek medical treatment, because there is a good chance that they will find out anyway, so I may as well tell them.
Does anyone else find it harder when they are fighting the urges and won't let themselves self harm?