Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Hospital Again?

I've said if there is a bed I will go in for a few days.

I called crisis team last night. And again today. They came out to visit me and talked me in to it.

I haven't done anything. I haven't self harmed, but I need to keep myself safe. I am having massive harm urges and also suicidal urges. But, I am trying my hardest not to act on them. Although there are suicidal urges there, there are things I want to do. I want to do this walk in May. I want to go on this massive holiday with the girls. If I am dead I won't be able to. If I act on the urges and don't succeed I won't be able to. And, I think that being in hospital, could possibly help at the moment.

I spoke to my Dad and shattered their illusion that I am doing well. I said I hadn't done anything but I was struggling. He said if I felt that it would help and that they had suggested it then it could be for the best.

So, I am waiting to hear if there is a bed. If there is I will probably be going in tonight. But I really doubt that there is a bed. There never is when I need it.

I do have my worries. I can't help but think of the time that I went in informally and I ended up in for a long time, and 8 months on a PICU. I am also worried that now I have admitted that I need to be in, that they will force me in to the hospital and ward that I can't stand. That makes things worse for me. Last time I said I would go in they couldn't find a bed on the ward that is beneficial. So, I then said I couldn't go on that ward as it makes things worse for me. But, when there were no beds they said that I would have to have a MHA assessment if I didn't go to that ward. So, I am worried about that. If I am honest and had to have an assessment I wouldn't get through it. So, I suppose I would have to go where they send me.

The more I think about it now, I wish I hadn't agreed to this.

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