I am a bit of a mess. I am really struggling with intense thoughts of self harm. Also thoughts of ending it all. I really don't know how I am managing to hold it together and not act on them.
I saw G yesterday. I told him how I was feeling. That I keep telling myself just to do it. To cut as that is what I want to do. That it is inevitable that it is going to happen, so why keep fighting it, I may as well just give in. It will be easier and I will feel better. Why am I fighting these feelings, it is inevitable that I am going to cut. So, I should just do it right? Why keep struggling when it is what I want. What I need to bring me some relief.
I think I know why I haven't though. Because I am so tired. I know if I cut it will require treatment. And, I am too tired to go spend hours in a hospital waiting for treatment. There is the walk in centre but that closes at 9. So now, I can't. I am too tired to go to the hospital. So, I won't cut. Not tonight anyway.
G mentioned the H word. In that I am talking about hospital. He asked me if I wanted to be in. I said no way. He asked me if I needed it and I had to think about it. He asked me if it would be helpful. I said I really didn't want to go in. I said there were a number of reasons. I said I couldn't as it would let people down. People think I am doing so well at the moment, I can't let people down by them knowing I am not well again. I have a big holiday coming up with the girls. I don't want them to know I am not doing well as they will be worrying about whether or not I am well enough to go, I don't want them worrying. I don't want to be "that one" again.
I don't want my parents and family worrying about me. I don't want people breathing down my neck watching my every move. I have my space at the moment. I want it to remain that way. I also said that if I do decide to go back to uni, it is not going to help me when they see I have been in hospital again. I also said I was worried that if I did I could end up being in a long time. OK, so the last 3 informal admissions have been short ones, I can't help but remember the time I went in informally, then the next day was put on a section then ended up in the PICU for 8 months. I don't want to take that risk.
But, in some weird way it is appealing. When it has got to the stage where I am in hospital, it has got to the worst possible point. People know, I don't need to hide it. I can surrender and don't need to fight it any more. In some ways it is a relief. Does anyone else have that? That they can stop the fight? Someone taking the control away from me and giving me some respite. It is appealing. But I can't go there. Not again. As much as it is appealing. I can't take that risk.
I also talked to him about the scars and how much they bothered me. He said he would talk to the doctor about it. There's nothing that anyone can do. There is no way I can get surgery on them when they are self inflicted and it's not that long since I last did it last. And, I will probably do it again. So, nothing that can be done really is there? My own fault, it's my own doing. It's my own fault that I detest myself and I feel so ugly. It's my own doing, so I suppose I should just find a way to deal with it.