What a year 2013 was. It was possibly one of my hardest yet.
I think I did hit a turning point in 2013 and I learnt some very important lessons.
I think the turning point came in March/April time. I nearly died. I was very ill and in medical intensive care for over a week on a ventilator that was breathing for me because I wasn't. I was critically ill. All because I took a massive OD of prescribed medication to try and end my life. I spent nearly 2 weeks in medical wards and then on to a psychiatric ward for 4 days. This was hell. But, it wasn't under section. It was informal. Although, it's hardly informal when they tell you if you keep saying you want to leave we are going to section you. But anyway. It was informal.
I came to a conclusion after all this had happened. I was quite physically ill, and even 8 months later, I am still suffering some after effects from it. But, I was in immense pain and I was in a state. I have tried a few times to end my life and a few times coming close. This was the closest. While I wished it had have worked, I knew I couldn't put myself through what I was going through physically all over again. The whole experience of being in intensive care and when waking up not being with it and not being able to breathe. Having a tube in my throat etc etc etc (even thinking about it now makes me anxious and is invoking some nasty memories and feelings). I made the decision I could never put myself through that again. I had done something I was sure would work, but it didn't. Again. I wasn't going to risk that all over again. So I made the decision, and came to the realisation that something needed to change. The way in which I was working with G wasn't working and nothing was. I needed to change my approach. I would be open to anything. Even DBT. Kind of. I still wasn't sure but I said if I was assessed as needing it then I would give in and go along with them. As it turned out, I was not assessed as it being something that could help me. But, I changed. I realised that no one else could fix me, medication probably wasn't the answer, as much as I needed it to be. It was me.
While I don't agree in a diagnosis of a PD, I do agree that there are traits. It's these traits that are causing me the most problems. It's these traits that make me deal with the underlying mood disorder in a maladaptive way. The self harm, the suicide attempts....etc etc etc. So I needed to approach those.
Another big thing for me in 2013 was realising what recovery is. For me recovery has always been a cure. I wouldn't get the ups, the suicidal lows. But no. That is not recovery. Recovery is about how you deal with these. And coming to this realisation sucked. It really hit me hard. What I had been working towards for so long was not what I was ever going to achieve. That is not recovery and I am probably always going to have the roller coaster of emotions, experiencing extreme highs and extreme lows. Coming to this realisation really hit me hard. It really knocked me back. And I started self harming on a regular basis again, both cutting and swallowing. But, I have come to terms with that now. I can't say I like it, not at all. But, I am dealing with it.
In 2013 I had lost about 2.5stone in weight. I had got fitter. They're positives.
Although 2013 had been very very hard for me, possibly one of my worst years yet for in terms of how often I was feeling low and the thoughts etc. I think I possibly needed to have that to be able to move on.
So as we start in 2014 where are we now? Or, where am I?
Yes, I feel shit. I am having regular suicidal thoughts and self harm urges. I'm not going to say everything is all rosy and nice. It's not. I have the crippling depressions and am feeling quite low at the moment and have been for a few weeks. But, there is part of me that does feel more equipped to deal with it. I know I need to go to the gym, I know I need to not drink so much alcohol, I know I need to carry on losing weight because that will give me more self confidence and feel better about myself, I know I need to focus on myself.
There is also a lot I don't know which proves a bid source of anxiety for me. I don't know about my future, I don't know what I want to do, I feel lost, I don't have a sense of feeling secure. I don't have any direction in my life, I don't know what my capabilities are and I feel that they are not much. I don't feel I can deal with any pressure that is put on me, having pressure or stress put on me, I do feel that any pressure or stress is going to make me collapse and I will end up having another breakdown.
But, I suppose, in 2013, I learnt a lot about what I can handle. And, that is a positive.
So for 2014, I am not going to make any resolutions like be more positive etc etc. I tried that in 2010-2011 and 2011 I ended up being sectioned etc etc.
But, as my team and my friends and family say. I must be in recovery now, or heading there at least. They say they have not seen me so well in so long. It's been 8 months since I was last in hospital. Which is the longest period of time I have spent out of hospital since summer 2011. So for me that is good.
2014 will see some huge changes for me. Some massive life events are happening.
I am going to walk the West Highland way - 100miles in just a few days (for me that is a massive challenge. I am still 2.5 stone over weight and up until 6 months ago I had not done any exercise in years.
I am going to climb Ben Nevis (this will be straight after the walk).
I am going on a girls holiday of a life time to the USA.
I am turning 30.
I am going to make some kind of decision in terms of what I want to do with my life.
And that is all folks!