Wednesday, 22 January 2014

No Room At The Inn.

There are no beds available. I have been told possibly tomorrow, but I am not holding out for it.

I have taken the last of my emergency stash of meds. I don't mean an OD. Just a zopiclone, some diazepam and a quetiapine. Should hopefully knock me out for the night and get me a decent nights sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I am being quite rational at the moment. I haven't self harmed, I haven't tried to do any serious damage. I haven't swallowed anything. So it would seem as though I am coping.

Am I making the right decision? Perhaps I don't need hospital and I am being too hasty? Am I? In the past I have been adamant that I don't need hospital. And, I am not sure if I have. Am I giving up. Am I going to see that being in hospital is rock bottom and then just let it all wash over me and stop fighting. Is it a way of surrendering to it all?

Perhaps I am not being rational at the moment. I really don't know my own mind. I don't think I will get to see G until next Tuesday still. It sounds stupid, but I feel as though I need to offload all this on him. See what he says. I think that sometimes he knows me better than anyone else. In some ways as well though, I want someone else to make the decision for me. In that if I could tell him all this and he said go in, then I would know it would be the right thing to do.

I rely on him too much. I rely on other people too much. I need to learn to trust my own mind and not be dependent on people. But there are times when I need other people to take control for me. If I am in control then I do stupid things like self harm, like OD.

I don't know if I am getting swamped by my own thoughts. I don't know what I am thinking? Perhaps because I have said that I need to go in, I don't. In the past I have said I don't need to be there and I have needed it.

I really can't trust myself.

I don't understand why I am having these really intense suicidal thoughts. I have been looking online at methods again. Doses of pills to take. Ways to end it all. But, then, on the other hand there are things I am looking forward to. The trip with the girls. The walk. So, why am I getting these thoughts. Why are they so intense. Why? If there was nothing positive in my life at the moment, I could understand why. But there are positive things. It's not as though stuff has all gone to shit and I have been having these thoughts.

That worries me. That it can come from no where. That even when things are looking up for me, that yet again, it comes and rears its very ugly head.

What does this mean for me?

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