Tuesday, 7 January 2014

I Am A Terrible Person...

I have to write about this, for me, more than anything. I have to get my thoughts and feelings down to try and make some sense of them. I may even get stick for this, but I can't help the way I feel.

It's to do with my Mum. She has told my immediate family she has joined AA. Yet, for some reason I can't be supportive and it's annoying me. Yes, she has an alcohol problem, yes she is probably an alcoholic, but the way in which she is going about this irritates me.

I have written before about the problems I have had around my mother's alcohol consumption and how it makes me feel. How it makes me incredibly anxious and I used to lie awake at night when she was downstairs getting pissed. I would lie there worrying that she would fall and hurt herself or that she would then get angry and start up the arguments and laying in to my Dad, and then starting on me. This would usually be a long the lines of how selfish I was for being ill and that I just needed to get my shit together as people were bored of it and fed up of me. Some very hurtful stuff was said. One of the reasons, possibly the main reason why I moved out was because of her drinking and I couldn't stand living in that environment any more. I couldn't cope with it and it was not good for my mental health. Since I have moved out, I have been doing so much better. I am able to cope a lot better. But anyway, I digress.

They were supposed to be going away for New Year. The day they were supposed to go I got a text from her saying that they weren't going because she got very drunk the night before and my Dad had cancelled it. And that she couldn't blame him. I don't know exactly what went on, but I would think it is something a long the lines of she got violent towards him again and layed him to him about how when they were split up, he had a relationship with someone else. This is the usual pattern. She starts hitting out at him and calls him all the names under the sun. She writes notes all through his work diary calling him names and having a go at him. And if he is not there, sends him abusive text messages all through the night.

It must have been a quite bad night because she was obviously feeling a sense of regret about it.

I didn't want to see her over the next few days because to be honest I was really angry, and at my Dad for putting up with it. So I avoided going round to their house. A few days later I did see her as she had the car and she wanted to get it back to me so I could use it. On the way back to theirs, she told me she had joined AA.

So, considering how much her alcohol consumption affects me and those closest to me. Why does this really irritate me?

I feel like such a terrible person. But, I don't feel as though I can support her with it.

I think some of it is because of the way she is with things in general. If I am honest, I don't see it lasting. Nothing she does ever lasts. In the past she has said she isn't going to drink at all between Xmas and Easter, yet, only the 4th of January she is pissed again. She said she is going to go to counselling to try and get past the issues she has around my Dad seeing someone else when they were broken up. When, she had moved out in to a house, spent all her savings on getting the house all set up, had separated all their financial matters, and had even contacted lawyers about divorce proceedings. The counselling lasted a few weeks and she hasn't been back.

I admit, I think she is an alcoholic, and she needs help. But, why can't I be supportive.

The way in which she is talking about it as well gets to me. It irritates me. She is going to meetings every day, sometimes more than once a day. She says she feels she needs to go. The way she is talking about it is as though she is making a point. The light heartedness as well at times as though "such and such was an alcoholic too, and look what they achieved". It seems too easy for her to make these statements. Even if a person goes to AA, it doesn't mean they have admitted to being an alcoholic does it? Yet, she's making these statements as though it means nothing. I don't know, but something really niggles me about it.

Perhaps, I just need to try and understand the mind of an alcoholic more? I don't know. I feel like such a terrible person and I can't make any sense of my feelings around it. I have tried to avoid thinking about it. This is the first time I have actually spent any time properly thinking about it, and I am in tears as I write this. It is a thing that massively bothers me, her drinking has had quite a big impact on my mental health. So why can't I be supportive?

At least I have something to talk about at my session with G on Thursday.


Anonymous said...

Personally I think it's great she's going to AA, but then I'm in AA so I would. I also don't know your mum and not emotionally attached to her. Why should be supportive of her? It's up to her to get and stay sober, with the help of AA if that's what she's choosing, but not up to you. It's sounds like she's got kind of newcomer to AA pink cloud enthusiasm, but I can see that would be irritating for others. She'll calm down about it in time if she stays sober and gets into recovery.

Doc said...

Hi Kat,
I think you put your finger on it above - "Nothing she does ever lasts". Sounds like you are tired of hearing her proclaim that she is going to change, then she never does. I think you're trying to protect yourself from further disappointment. "Expectations are just resentments that book in advance".

Kat Moss said...

Thanks for your comments. I had a good session with G today and talked quite a bit about it and he said it is not my responsibility to be supportive. I am struggling to get my head round stuff, I really am. He tried to make me see things from another perspective. But I couldn't. It's really unlike me. Usually I am open to everything and every one. But with this I can't.