So I said in my last post I was worried that if I told CPN or Psychologist the truth then they would tell my parents. Let me just explain this bit first as Werehorse commented on the last post about this asking why they would tell when I am an adult.
A few weeks back my CPN, Psychologist, Psychiatrist and OT all had a case conference about me. The main thing that was being discussed was when they break confidentiality. What came from this was if I disclosed something to one of them that was deemed to be life endangering (eg swallowing, OD'ing) then they would be duty bound to tell my parents. Their reasons being should anything happen to me and my parents had not been made aware then the hospital would be held liable as they could have possibly prevented it by informing my parents. So for instance if I told them I had swallowed something and then they informed my parents, my parents can then be on the look out for any deterioration in my physical health and possibly prevent anything from happening. They also say that they have a duty of care to me to inform my carers if I am doing that so that I am not at risk. I can't say I agree with what they are doing but that is that.
So understandably I have not been telling my psychologist or CPN the details of the self harm. What I was thinking though is that I could skirt around it a bit and admit that I have been self harming but not say how. They think I am doing really well as I have not been doing anything and I am really misleading them. I need more help and I am not going to get it if they think I am doing well the way things are.
What does worry me about this method is:
1) That they may inform my parents any way on the suspicion I was seriously self harming etc.
2) That they may use this against me and force me in to going in to hospital again as it's pretty obvious I am not keeping myself safe and am planning my own death.
It's pretty useless carrying on seeing psychologist when I can't even be honest with him so maybe I need to find a way to be more honest with him. Although he will only see me until March so realistically have about 3 or 4 sessions left with him. He said on Thursday that he didn't see what he was doing for me or what help he was. He said he really wanted to help but he didn't know what to do. What do I say to that as I don't know either. I'm kind of sad that our sessions are coming to an end. He does seem to be my only outlet. I know it's unhealthy and I need to find a new one. But in a way I kind of feel that people are starting to feel that I am untreatable and not doing anything anymore. I am only going to see the OT every 3 weeks now also. Not that I found them much use anyway.
Does this sound like a sense of fear of abandonment?
I suppose in one way I am worried all I am going to have left is my CPN who I don't have a great relationship with.
Part of me thinks well, it doesn't matter as come February hopefully I won't be here anyway, well hopefully.
And if I get told to try mindfulness anymore I am going to scream. I hate it. It doesn't work and I am not going to bother wasting my time on it anymore. I have also tried putting time aside to let the thoughts run free but that doesn't make much difference either. Maybe I need to give it more time. I've only given it a couple of days.
Anyway, if anyone reads this I could really do with some feedback on my plan of talking non-specifically about the self harm so I would really appreciate any comments.
Thanks.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
I'm Not Doing Well, Despite What They Say.
They say I am. But then what do they know. I'm not being honest with them which is why they are saying that. CPN and Psychologist know how I feel. And I told Psychologist it's only a matter of time and that once this month is over I can put my plan in to place. I told him how I have a voice which says "do it now" which is there an awful lot. He said to tell it to stop. All I can manage is "wait".
He says I am doing well feeling all this and not having acted on anything. There is no way I can tell him I have been swallowing blades a few times a week and taking about 5x the prescribed dose of my meds in one go. You see if I divulge this then they tell my parents. I wish I could be honest with him. I wish I could tell him how it really was. I don't think he believes I have done nothing though. I have two plasters on my fingers from where I have cut them from breaking open the razor. I didn't think they were that obvious. But he asked me what I had done and I didn't have an answer. Finally I managed to stutter it was paper cuts and he started interrogating me. "What on both fingers"? "What were you doing"? "When did you do it"? Far too many questions if he thought they were actually paper cuts.
I told him how the fantasies of dying were there pretty much all day and they took over everything. How I play out different scenarios in my head over and over. How it keeps me awake 3-4 hours after I have gone to bed. He said one way of trying to get round this is to set some time each day to let the thoughts be there. To go somewhere quiet for 30 minutes (a few times a day if needed) and just let them roll. I said I would try it but I wasn't sure if it would make any difference at night when I am trying to get to sleep.
I don't think OT are of much use anymore. They are there to help me plan to fill my time. I've found though that planning my time and doing stuff doesn't make any difference as I feel the same while doing and after doing it. Today is the first time I left the house since Saturday. Most of that time has been spent in my room on my bed. I don't want to be anywhere else.
I am meant to be looking for voluntary work also. I looked at the volunteer database and saw a couple of things that would usually interest me. But when it came down to it I felt that there was just no way I would be able to commit to something. The whole thing brought on an anxiety attack.
My family also think I am doing better and I really don't want to shatter that illusion they have. Everyone thinks I am doing better. Only I know the truth. I wasn't even this bad when I was on PICU.
Psychologist said he felt he should do something like call in Crisis Team or my CPN I practically begged him not to. He said he could ask my CPN if there was someone who could see me more regularly, I said there wasn't much point. I hope he doesn't make any calls. But now I am going to be anxiously waiting for that phone call.
I kind of cut myself off for a few days and ignored my phone when it rang as I didn't feel like speaking to anyone and then never returned their calls. My CPN tried today. After the second attempt she called the land line which I never use (it's the parents business line). I just wish I would be left alone.
He says I am doing well feeling all this and not having acted on anything. There is no way I can tell him I have been swallowing blades a few times a week and taking about 5x the prescribed dose of my meds in one go. You see if I divulge this then they tell my parents. I wish I could be honest with him. I wish I could tell him how it really was. I don't think he believes I have done nothing though. I have two plasters on my fingers from where I have cut them from breaking open the razor. I didn't think they were that obvious. But he asked me what I had done and I didn't have an answer. Finally I managed to stutter it was paper cuts and he started interrogating me. "What on both fingers"? "What were you doing"? "When did you do it"? Far too many questions if he thought they were actually paper cuts.
I told him how the fantasies of dying were there pretty much all day and they took over everything. How I play out different scenarios in my head over and over. How it keeps me awake 3-4 hours after I have gone to bed. He said one way of trying to get round this is to set some time each day to let the thoughts be there. To go somewhere quiet for 30 minutes (a few times a day if needed) and just let them roll. I said I would try it but I wasn't sure if it would make any difference at night when I am trying to get to sleep.
I don't think OT are of much use anymore. They are there to help me plan to fill my time. I've found though that planning my time and doing stuff doesn't make any difference as I feel the same while doing and after doing it. Today is the first time I left the house since Saturday. Most of that time has been spent in my room on my bed. I don't want to be anywhere else.
I am meant to be looking for voluntary work also. I looked at the volunteer database and saw a couple of things that would usually interest me. But when it came down to it I felt that there was just no way I would be able to commit to something. The whole thing brought on an anxiety attack.
My family also think I am doing better and I really don't want to shatter that illusion they have. Everyone thinks I am doing better. Only I know the truth. I wasn't even this bad when I was on PICU.
Psychologist said he felt he should do something like call in Crisis Team or my CPN I practically begged him not to. He said he could ask my CPN if there was someone who could see me more regularly, I said there wasn't much point. I hope he doesn't make any calls. But now I am going to be anxiously waiting for that phone call.
I kind of cut myself off for a few days and ignored my phone when it rang as I didn't feel like speaking to anyone and then never returned their calls. My CPN tried today. After the second attempt she called the land line which I never use (it's the parents business line). I just wish I would be left alone.
Monday, 7 January 2013
Meh
I don't want to be on medication any more. I can't see the point in it. It's obviously not working when I am still planning my own suicide on an hourly basis. I feel so low and emotional. I don't have the energy to do anything and I don't want to do anything. I feel that no one can help with this. People have been trying to help me for the last few years and yet it always boils down to the same thing.
I am meant to be going into town to meet up with the OT tomorrow but I think I am going to give it a miss. Feign illness. Well, in a way I won't be lying. I can't face getting dressed and leaving the house at the moment. The whole idea of showering, putting normal clothes on and putting make-up on fills me with dread. I could never leave the house without make up in case I see someone I know. I just want to stay in my PJ's all day. Well, to make it look as though I have got dressed I just pull some jogging bottoms on with what ever t-shirt I slept in the night before. I don't think I have brushed my hair or teeth in 2-3 days. Gross.
The whole idea of ending my life just gets more and more appealing. I have been swallowing stuff, particularly razors in the hope that they will cut me up inside before passing through causing me an internal infection which gets me. It's happening nearly every day.
I lie awake for hours at night fantasising about how and when I can do it. It plays like a reel going round and round in my head. Keeping busy makes no difference. I tried that and I end up getting anxious as I get engulfed by the feelings and what's going on around me goes on in a haze and I lose track of things. My mind just wanders off and I get distracted by it and then I don't know what has been going on so I get anxious. So I feel it's better for me to let the thoughts be. Let them play their course. I've tried seeing a friend but I could barely hold a conversation.
I told the CPN when I saw her on Thursday that I would try and I did. But now I can't see the point. She said she would call me on Friday to check in and come up with a game plan. She called. Spent all of 2 minutes on the phone and just basically repeated the same thing. Keep busy and if you need to call crisis team. I doubt I will be doing that again. Not when they send the police round. Not when the only thing they have to say is keep busy and distract yourself. So what's the point?
So I am on my own. Nothing anyone says helps so I will just deal with it my way.
I am meant to be going into town to meet up with the OT tomorrow but I think I am going to give it a miss. Feign illness. Well, in a way I won't be lying. I can't face getting dressed and leaving the house at the moment. The whole idea of showering, putting normal clothes on and putting make-up on fills me with dread. I could never leave the house without make up in case I see someone I know. I just want to stay in my PJ's all day. Well, to make it look as though I have got dressed I just pull some jogging bottoms on with what ever t-shirt I slept in the night before. I don't think I have brushed my hair or teeth in 2-3 days. Gross.
The whole idea of ending my life just gets more and more appealing. I have been swallowing stuff, particularly razors in the hope that they will cut me up inside before passing through causing me an internal infection which gets me. It's happening nearly every day.
I lie awake for hours at night fantasising about how and when I can do it. It plays like a reel going round and round in my head. Keeping busy makes no difference. I tried that and I end up getting anxious as I get engulfed by the feelings and what's going on around me goes on in a haze and I lose track of things. My mind just wanders off and I get distracted by it and then I don't know what has been going on so I get anxious. So I feel it's better for me to let the thoughts be. Let them play their course. I've tried seeing a friend but I could barely hold a conversation.
I told the CPN when I saw her on Thursday that I would try and I did. But now I can't see the point. She said she would call me on Friday to check in and come up with a game plan. She called. Spent all of 2 minutes on the phone and just basically repeated the same thing. Keep busy and if you need to call crisis team. I doubt I will be doing that again. Not when they send the police round. Not when the only thing they have to say is keep busy and distract yourself. So what's the point?
So I am on my own. Nothing anyone says helps so I will just deal with it my way.
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Went to See CPN
I forgot she said she was going to have a student with her so it was really hard. I didn't get out all of what I wanted to say as I was conscious that there was someone else there. I did manage to tell her I was having thoughts. She said I needed to keep myself busy and distracted and I said that doesn't make a blind bit of difference.
She kept asking me what I wanted and what I wanted to do and in the end I snapped that I knew what I wanted. She asked me what then I said I wasn't going to say. As soon as I had said this I wished I could have taken it back. She asked me if I had a plan. I said not yet. Which in a kind of way it's true as I am holding off for a couple of weeks before I put any plans into place. She said she wasn't sure if I would be able to keep myself safe until Tuesday when I have a meeting with OT. I said I would but I couldn't tell her what I would do to make sure that I would.
So then she said she was going to have to call my parents and inform them. I begged her not to and she said I wasn't leaving her with much option. But in the end I agreed that she could call me tomorrow. I don't want her to but that's the only way she would drop it.
I really wish I hadn't said anything to her now. She'll probably still go and tell my parents anyway. She asked me if I had self harmed since I last saw her. Of course I can't tell her that I have been. I know as soon as she knows what I've been up to she will tell my parents. So what's the point in telling her?
She kept asking me what I wanted and what I wanted to do and in the end I snapped that I knew what I wanted. She asked me what then I said I wasn't going to say. As soon as I had said this I wished I could have taken it back. She asked me if I had a plan. I said not yet. Which in a kind of way it's true as I am holding off for a couple of weeks before I put any plans into place. She said she wasn't sure if I would be able to keep myself safe until Tuesday when I have a meeting with OT. I said I would but I couldn't tell her what I would do to make sure that I would.
So then she said she was going to have to call my parents and inform them. I begged her not to and she said I wasn't leaving her with much option. But in the end I agreed that she could call me tomorrow. I don't want her to but that's the only way she would drop it.
I really wish I hadn't said anything to her now. She'll probably still go and tell my parents anyway. She asked me if I had self harmed since I last saw her. Of course I can't tell her that I have been. I know as soon as she knows what I've been up to she will tell my parents. So what's the point in telling her?
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Not In A Good Way
Yeah, I am really not doing that well. I am really struggling. And I don't know what to do.
All that I can think of is how and when I could kill myself. I kept myself going over the Xmas period as I don't want to ruin Xmas for years to come for people. I know what it's like having a close relative die close to Xmas and it is never the same again. So that stopped me doing anything. Now, it is my brothers birthday coming up so I am trying to avoid doing anything before that. But once that has gone I think that will be when I do something about how I am feeling.
It's like a reel going around in my head how I fantasise over my own death. It's all the time. I plan how and when and have long fantasies of how I would go about doing it.
I am worried if I tell anyone then I am going to end up back in hospital and I really don't want that. I couldn't cope with it. And, I am not sure if it actually helps in anyway. Last time I was there I came out feeling the same way I did when I went in. And I find the whole thing quite embarrassing. I can't be doing with people's pity and fake concern. My parents had friends over on Sunday and it was awful. Although no one came right out with talking about it there was undertones and sickly asking how I was doing. Of course I am not going to come out with "actually I fantasise about my own death most the time and am feeling pretty shit, I've been swallowing needles and razor blades in the hope they may do something but no such luck yet". So I put a fake smile on (which I am doing a lot of and have it down to a tee) and reply "really good thanks". No one really wants to hear how you are doing really.
So I see Beth my CPN tomorrow and I really don't know what I am going to say to her. I am worried if I tell her the truth she will want me back in hospital. And I'm not going there. Not again. I hope I've got enough in me to be able to convince a AMHP, Sec.12 approved doc and a normal doc that I don't need to be in hospital should it come down to Beth trying to get me in on a section and arranging a MHA. I am going to do all I can to avoid going back there again.
I can hide things from Beth I think. She's not as good at reading me as the psychologist is. So he's my main worry. I see him next Thursday. He'll ask all the relevant questions and will be able to tell when I am hiding stuff or not telling the truth. I don't have him for much longer. Just a couple more months. But I suppose it doesn't really matter if I do go ahead and do something.
All that I can think of is how and when I could kill myself. I kept myself going over the Xmas period as I don't want to ruin Xmas for years to come for people. I know what it's like having a close relative die close to Xmas and it is never the same again. So that stopped me doing anything. Now, it is my brothers birthday coming up so I am trying to avoid doing anything before that. But once that has gone I think that will be when I do something about how I am feeling.
It's like a reel going around in my head how I fantasise over my own death. It's all the time. I plan how and when and have long fantasies of how I would go about doing it.
I am worried if I tell anyone then I am going to end up back in hospital and I really don't want that. I couldn't cope with it. And, I am not sure if it actually helps in anyway. Last time I was there I came out feeling the same way I did when I went in. And I find the whole thing quite embarrassing. I can't be doing with people's pity and fake concern. My parents had friends over on Sunday and it was awful. Although no one came right out with talking about it there was undertones and sickly asking how I was doing. Of course I am not going to come out with "actually I fantasise about my own death most the time and am feeling pretty shit, I've been swallowing needles and razor blades in the hope they may do something but no such luck yet". So I put a fake smile on (which I am doing a lot of and have it down to a tee) and reply "really good thanks". No one really wants to hear how you are doing really.
So I see Beth my CPN tomorrow and I really don't know what I am going to say to her. I am worried if I tell her the truth she will want me back in hospital. And I'm not going there. Not again. I hope I've got enough in me to be able to convince a AMHP, Sec.12 approved doc and a normal doc that I don't need to be in hospital should it come down to Beth trying to get me in on a section and arranging a MHA. I am going to do all I can to avoid going back there again.
I can hide things from Beth I think. She's not as good at reading me as the psychologist is. So he's my main worry. I see him next Thursday. He'll ask all the relevant questions and will be able to tell when I am hiding stuff or not telling the truth. I don't have him for much longer. Just a couple more months. But I suppose it doesn't really matter if I do go ahead and do something.
Thursday, 27 December 2012
I'm Scared
I'm scared it's all happening again with me. The way I feel and my thoughts are really disturbing. I am swallowing razors in the hope they do something and all I think about it when and how I can do something that will end my life. People, like my family think I am getting better and I don't want them to think any different but I don't think I can continue like I am. I recognise that I am having the same thoughts as I was having when I was seen as needing to be on a PICU. I have looked at blogs from this time last year when I was moved to the local PICU from out of town one and the memories of how I was then and comparing them to how I am now are similar.
I can't tell anyone about the self-harm as then my CPN or Psychologist will have to break confidentiality and tell my parents and I don't want them knowing. I would also be forced in to going to the ED and maybe staying over night and I can't face that.
As I said before I am using maladaptive coping mechanisms at the moment. One I have talked about previously is getting completely wasted and kissing loads of men. Another is I am binge eating crap. It's a comfort thing and it's not good. I am already feeling shit about my weight but then go and eat more. It's a vicious circle.
If I told anyone my plans then I'd probably end up being sectioned again. I probably need to be back in hospital at the moment. But I'm not going. Not this time. I can't cope with all the admissions. People finding out and being embarrassed by it as yet again I have failed at something.
I keep going around and around in the same circle. Feeling ok-ish for a bit, not long. But then getting depressed again and feeling suicidal and battling with self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts. The psychologist tries to get me to focus on the ok parts when I am depressed, saying that I should know it's a circle so I will come out of it. But I also know that it's a circle and I will go back in to it. I hate living like this. The ok parts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.
My CPN, Psychologist and OT think I am doing really well. Only because I hold back a lot. There's no way I'll be telling them about the swallowing stuff. That's not a sign I am doing well. I've only been out of hospital about 6 weeks, if that and I feel as though I am heading back there again and I am scared. It's pretty obvious I can't cope in the real world. Maybe they were right when they were thinking low secure? I'm a danger to myself and can't keep myself safe so perhaps I need to be in an environment where I have limited options.
I'm only at the preliminary planning stage at the moment and have nothing set in stone but those plans are being made and it is not a good sign. I don't know what to do.
I can't tell anyone about the self-harm as then my CPN or Psychologist will have to break confidentiality and tell my parents and I don't want them knowing. I would also be forced in to going to the ED and maybe staying over night and I can't face that.
As I said before I am using maladaptive coping mechanisms at the moment. One I have talked about previously is getting completely wasted and kissing loads of men. Another is I am binge eating crap. It's a comfort thing and it's not good. I am already feeling shit about my weight but then go and eat more. It's a vicious circle.
If I told anyone my plans then I'd probably end up being sectioned again. I probably need to be back in hospital at the moment. But I'm not going. Not this time. I can't cope with all the admissions. People finding out and being embarrassed by it as yet again I have failed at something.
I keep going around and around in the same circle. Feeling ok-ish for a bit, not long. But then getting depressed again and feeling suicidal and battling with self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts. The psychologist tries to get me to focus on the ok parts when I am depressed, saying that I should know it's a circle so I will come out of it. But I also know that it's a circle and I will go back in to it. I hate living like this. The ok parts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.
My CPN, Psychologist and OT think I am doing really well. Only because I hold back a lot. There's no way I'll be telling them about the swallowing stuff. That's not a sign I am doing well. I've only been out of hospital about 6 weeks, if that and I feel as though I am heading back there again and I am scared. It's pretty obvious I can't cope in the real world. Maybe they were right when they were thinking low secure? I'm a danger to myself and can't keep myself safe so perhaps I need to be in an environment where I have limited options.
I'm only at the preliminary planning stage at the moment and have nothing set in stone but those plans are being made and it is not a good sign. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Monday, 17 December 2012
Not Coping That Well
The home situation sucks big time. My Dad continues to get to me and can't stand being around him. My brother said it is bullying. I had a go at him the other day for mocking me and told him it was getting to me big time amongst other things and he just said if that is bothering you then you really do have issues. Nice. So he hasn't stopped.
Then I also have problems with my Mum and her drinking. The other night we had 4 police officers round who arrested my Mum because my Dad had called them. She got mega pissed and started laying in to my Dad hitting him and shouting at him about this woman that he slept with while they were broken up. It was 1am and I was asleep to be woken to my Dad shouting at me to come sort her out. He tried to go in the spare room but she just kept going after him. I had to physically restrain her and was shouting at her to stop and be more rational but she wasn't having any of it. My Dad kept saying if she didn't leave him alone he was going to call the police. It got to the stage where I couldn't take it any more and I ran out the house got in to the car and drove off. I got less than half a mile away and saw a police car on blues going in the opposite direction. I knew that he had called them then. I turned around and sure enough as I got home there were two police cars parked up outside my house. Two were at the front door and two were in next doors front garden, they had got the wrong house. Luckily I managed to stop them before they went knocking on the neighbours door. As I got to the door one of the police officers went "hey, I know you" to me. He was one of the ones who came round that night when I was put on a S136. I just told him to shut his mouth as this really wasn't the time for reunions.
So the police came in and two went up to my mum. She started going on at them saying how they couldn't do this to her in her own house etc etc. In the end she was handcuffed and taken away. I called my brother and he came over and he said he wanted to go down to the police station. I didn't really want to go. But because he had also been drinking as was a works night out I was the only one who could drive. I didn't think there would be much point in going down to the station as the officers had said she'd be there until the morning when she had sobered up. But, my brother wanted to talk to the police. So at 02.30am we were at the police station. The custody Sergeant said she was given the option of going somewhere else like to my brothers but she couldn't remember his house number or phone number so they took her to the police station. They said she would be released on the condition that she went back to my brothers house until she had sobered up. I was quite pissed off if I'm honest. I was hoping she would be kept there all night and wake up sober in a police cell and face the cold stark reality of it all and the humiliation of it being sober and being in police custody.
The next morning when I saw her she was a bit of a mess and said she was sorry. I didn't really know what else to say other than it wasn't on. My Dad had said to me the previous night that he was sick of it as was happening 3-4 nights a week and he ends up sleeping on the bathroom floor as he can lock himself in. He also said she has been hiding alcohol in the house and drinking after he has gone to bed.
My other brother called me the next day and we talked about it and he said that my Mum had said she was not going to drink anymore. The next day I am asked to go to Tesco and buy £80 worth of Tesco finest wine as she has these clubcard vouchers that were due to expire. She said it was for Christmas. So I bring 10 bottles of wine home. I am not happy about this. And with due cause. Only last night less than a week after the event they both are steaming drunk. They had been out for lunch so had been drinking then and had had at least 4 bottles of wine when they got home. And the same thing happens again last night. The police weren't called this time but I could hear her having a go at him again and then falling all over the place. It didn't escalate as far this time but it's still bad.
I'm dealing with this on top of all my own shit. In particular what happened when I was 15. I re read some of the blogs from around the time I told the psychologist what happened when I went on holiday and now I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking how I could have done more and then I have nightmares about it. Its funny how little things stay in your mind. I even remember what colour underwear I was wearing that day and how there was blood afterwards.
I had an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and told him about what has been going on and he had that look on his face again. I told him about the nightmares I had been having recently because of it and how some of it was sending me into having anxiety attacks that could hit at any time. I have been getting massive urges to self-harm and I really don't know how I have not done so far. I was really fighting back the tears which he noticed and he kept saying how it was safe to cry there. All I could think about was not doing as it would make my make-up run and I was going someplace else after. We talked more about crying and I told him how I am not really a crier. Not over things like that. I always stop myself. Yet at things like TV programmes I can cry a little. But I always stop myself. I don't like crying.
I've not really used effective techniques at coping recently. I have been going out with my friends and getting blind drunk. So much so I can't remember parts of the evening. I have been kissing many random men in clubs. I went out Saturday night and my friend had to tell the bar staff to stop serving me as I was so drunk. In the end she put me in a taxi. I got lost on my own bloody road and seriously considered going home with someone who just happened to be walking past as I was stumbling home. Sunday morning I am woken by my parents as there is a police man at the door saying he had come to check I was ok as there had been a call from me. I am sure I didn't do it and I checked my phone and there was no calls made so I am really puzzled there. I text my friend about the night before asking her questions and I asked her if there had been any men and she said I had barely come up for air all night. I can't remember. I could have sworn I didn't meet anyone but she said I did. I know I must have done as there is a random number in my phone.
I met a friend for dinner Thursday night and drank way more than she did. I didn't get blind drunk with memory gaps or even that drunk that you could tell but enough to make me over emotional. When I got home I could not stop crying. That's about the only time I can cry is if I am drunk. I pulled out my favourite soft toys that night and fell asleep hugging them, crying my self to sleep.
Psychologist asked me if I wanted to be dead and I told him yes. He asked me if I had made any plans and I told him no. Which I haven't. But then he said that I probably wouldn't tell him even if I had as of all this thing with when they have to break confidentiality. He asked me if I wanted to be back in hospital and I said yes but I can't. I can't keep using it to run away from real life at the problems are still going to be there when I get out so I may as well try and deal with it. Life was so much easier when I was in hospital. I don't think I can put up with all of this for much longer. If it continues it's just going to eat away at me until I end up doing something about it. And not in a good way. Again he made me promise I would see him for our next appointment which is not for another month.
I hate Christmas and this year I am dreading it even more so than usual. With everything that's been going on and the way I am I can tell it's not going to be a happy Christmas for me. I need to get out this house as soon as possible. It's really not helping me. When I was in hospital they didn't want to let me go back to this environment and I kept saying it was fine and I could deal with it. But I can't. Not with everything else that is going on in my life.
I see my CPN on Thursday. She knows a bit about the situation in the past and I am hoping she will have read the notes from the session with the psychologist so I can go over things with her. I need out now!
Then I also have problems with my Mum and her drinking. The other night we had 4 police officers round who arrested my Mum because my Dad had called them. She got mega pissed and started laying in to my Dad hitting him and shouting at him about this woman that he slept with while they were broken up. It was 1am and I was asleep to be woken to my Dad shouting at me to come sort her out. He tried to go in the spare room but she just kept going after him. I had to physically restrain her and was shouting at her to stop and be more rational but she wasn't having any of it. My Dad kept saying if she didn't leave him alone he was going to call the police. It got to the stage where I couldn't take it any more and I ran out the house got in to the car and drove off. I got less than half a mile away and saw a police car on blues going in the opposite direction. I knew that he had called them then. I turned around and sure enough as I got home there were two police cars parked up outside my house. Two were at the front door and two were in next doors front garden, they had got the wrong house. Luckily I managed to stop them before they went knocking on the neighbours door. As I got to the door one of the police officers went "hey, I know you" to me. He was one of the ones who came round that night when I was put on a S136. I just told him to shut his mouth as this really wasn't the time for reunions.
So the police came in and two went up to my mum. She started going on at them saying how they couldn't do this to her in her own house etc etc. In the end she was handcuffed and taken away. I called my brother and he came over and he said he wanted to go down to the police station. I didn't really want to go. But because he had also been drinking as was a works night out I was the only one who could drive. I didn't think there would be much point in going down to the station as the officers had said she'd be there until the morning when she had sobered up. But, my brother wanted to talk to the police. So at 02.30am we were at the police station. The custody Sergeant said she was given the option of going somewhere else like to my brothers but she couldn't remember his house number or phone number so they took her to the police station. They said she would be released on the condition that she went back to my brothers house until she had sobered up. I was quite pissed off if I'm honest. I was hoping she would be kept there all night and wake up sober in a police cell and face the cold stark reality of it all and the humiliation of it being sober and being in police custody.
The next morning when I saw her she was a bit of a mess and said she was sorry. I didn't really know what else to say other than it wasn't on. My Dad had said to me the previous night that he was sick of it as was happening 3-4 nights a week and he ends up sleeping on the bathroom floor as he can lock himself in. He also said she has been hiding alcohol in the house and drinking after he has gone to bed.
My other brother called me the next day and we talked about it and he said that my Mum had said she was not going to drink anymore. The next day I am asked to go to Tesco and buy £80 worth of Tesco finest wine as she has these clubcard vouchers that were due to expire. She said it was for Christmas. So I bring 10 bottles of wine home. I am not happy about this. And with due cause. Only last night less than a week after the event they both are steaming drunk. They had been out for lunch so had been drinking then and had had at least 4 bottles of wine when they got home. And the same thing happens again last night. The police weren't called this time but I could hear her having a go at him again and then falling all over the place. It didn't escalate as far this time but it's still bad.
I'm dealing with this on top of all my own shit. In particular what happened when I was 15. I re read some of the blogs from around the time I told the psychologist what happened when I went on holiday and now I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking how I could have done more and then I have nightmares about it. Its funny how little things stay in your mind. I even remember what colour underwear I was wearing that day and how there was blood afterwards.
I had an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and told him about what has been going on and he had that look on his face again. I told him about the nightmares I had been having recently because of it and how some of it was sending me into having anxiety attacks that could hit at any time. I have been getting massive urges to self-harm and I really don't know how I have not done so far. I was really fighting back the tears which he noticed and he kept saying how it was safe to cry there. All I could think about was not doing as it would make my make-up run and I was going someplace else after. We talked more about crying and I told him how I am not really a crier. Not over things like that. I always stop myself. Yet at things like TV programmes I can cry a little. But I always stop myself. I don't like crying.
I've not really used effective techniques at coping recently. I have been going out with my friends and getting blind drunk. So much so I can't remember parts of the evening. I have been kissing many random men in clubs. I went out Saturday night and my friend had to tell the bar staff to stop serving me as I was so drunk. In the end she put me in a taxi. I got lost on my own bloody road and seriously considered going home with someone who just happened to be walking past as I was stumbling home. Sunday morning I am woken by my parents as there is a police man at the door saying he had come to check I was ok as there had been a call from me. I am sure I didn't do it and I checked my phone and there was no calls made so I am really puzzled there. I text my friend about the night before asking her questions and I asked her if there had been any men and she said I had barely come up for air all night. I can't remember. I could have sworn I didn't meet anyone but she said I did. I know I must have done as there is a random number in my phone.
I met a friend for dinner Thursday night and drank way more than she did. I didn't get blind drunk with memory gaps or even that drunk that you could tell but enough to make me over emotional. When I got home I could not stop crying. That's about the only time I can cry is if I am drunk. I pulled out my favourite soft toys that night and fell asleep hugging them, crying my self to sleep.
Psychologist asked me if I wanted to be dead and I told him yes. He asked me if I had made any plans and I told him no. Which I haven't. But then he said that I probably wouldn't tell him even if I had as of all this thing with when they have to break confidentiality. He asked me if I wanted to be back in hospital and I said yes but I can't. I can't keep using it to run away from real life at the problems are still going to be there when I get out so I may as well try and deal with it. Life was so much easier when I was in hospital. I don't think I can put up with all of this for much longer. If it continues it's just going to eat away at me until I end up doing something about it. And not in a good way. Again he made me promise I would see him for our next appointment which is not for another month.
I hate Christmas and this year I am dreading it even more so than usual. With everything that's been going on and the way I am I can tell it's not going to be a happy Christmas for me. I need to get out this house as soon as possible. It's really not helping me. When I was in hospital they didn't want to let me go back to this environment and I kept saying it was fine and I could deal with it. But I can't. Not with everything else that is going on in my life.
I see my CPN on Thursday. She knows a bit about the situation in the past and I am hoping she will have read the notes from the session with the psychologist so I can go over things with her. I need out now!
Thursday, 13 December 2012
So Much To Say
I know I need to blog. I have so much to talk about but I keep putting it off cos I have so much to say.
I had another appointment with Psychologist today. He made me promise I would see him in 4 weeks for our next appointment. Yes, things are that bad again. But I will probably be seen as pathetic for what has been going on for letting it make me feel like that.
I will try to get around to writing properly tomorrow night when my head is more clear (alcohol and tiredness tonight).
xxx
I had another appointment with Psychologist today. He made me promise I would see him in 4 weeks for our next appointment. Yes, things are that bad again. But I will probably be seen as pathetic for what has been going on for letting it make me feel like that.
I will try to get around to writing properly tomorrow night when my head is more clear (alcohol and tiredness tonight).
xxx
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Regression
I feel as though I am being regressed back in to a teenager. And the reason for this is my father. He is driving me insane. Well, more insane. His whole attitude and the way he is with me is really getting to me. He is condescending towards me, expects me to run around after him, tells me what to do and mimics me. It is seriously driving me insane. I try and avoid it by staying in my room but even still I am on edge all the time he is home as I am just waiting for him to start. I need to move out and as soon as possible.
I saw the psychologist today and talked to him about it. He said he didn't like hearing me talk about what was going on as it seemed as though my father was being cruel. I said it wasn't intentional and I don't think he knows he is doing it. He said I should talk to him about it but I don't see a lot of point. It won't change anything so why have a difficult conversation I don't want to have for nothing. There was a point last week where I was on the sofa and he came in and just told me to move. And then mimicked me when I replied that I was sitting there, what I was watching was nearly over and I would be going to my room when it was. I didn't get all teenagery on him but I did snap a bit and say that he was driving me mad with his constant digs and what he was doing and he was like "well I am not doing anything, stop being so sensitive".
I told the psychologist that all of this no matter how small was adding to my anxiety and I spend the whole time he is in on edge just waiting for it. He said he could see how this would be the case. And, because of the anxiety the strength of the urges to self harm were becoming stronger. I have not self harmed at all in the last 2 weeks since coming out of hospital. The urges haven't been that strong but they are getting stronger each day. I said I had been trying out the DBT stuff and what I felt comfortable with and he said it's important I stick with it and keep practising it even when I don't have urges so that it becomes second nature to me. I said it all felt like just sticking a plaster on it and not getting to the route cause of things and he said sometimes you need a plaster as will stop other things and the self harm from getting worse as in the past I have done some pretty serious life endangering shit and nearly died when I had a bowl perforation last year that required emergency surgery. The DBT stuff, if I practise it enough should stop me getting back to that stage again.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I said I did think about it still. That there is only so much I can cope with before it gets to that stage where I start to make attempts and that I feel that there is only so far I will go with trying before I think it's not going to work and can not see a point any more. He said I was talking like it was inevitable that that was going to happen. I said I wasn't sure. I know it comes in cycles for me. So maybe it is. At the moment I do have some energy to put into all of this but there will probably come a point where I lose that and lose all hope. I've re read my blog recently and have seen that there is the cycles that come around quite often.
I don't want to be the person who self-harms. I don't want to rely on it. I don't want to have the urges. It's one thing learning how to cope with the urges but I don't want them there at all. And that is one of the things that makes me feel suicidal. I have been told the urges may never go away but I may be able to learn how to cope with them. I don't want to be just able to cope with them. I don't want them. Am I seriously going to have to live my whole life like this? I don't want a life like that. A life of struggling. A life of anxiety. Learning how to cope with them is just like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound that needs to be sutured. I need suturing. Psychologist thinks it's about control and living at home is not doing me any favours. We talked a bit about when I lived on my own in the past and I said I was self harming more. So moving out, although it will solve some problems is not going to make everything all hunky dory again.
He is only going to see me until March so I will probably only have 4-5 more appointments with him. I don't know if anything will be put in place after. But I am feeling quite anxious about losing him already. I do find talking to him useful as I don't talk to anyone else about the things I talk to him about. He said this needs to change as will not do me any good bottling it up and like a pressure cooker I may explode. I don't really have long to work on that really. But on the other hand I when I go to the appointments I never know what I want to talk about. Maybe I should write down things through the week leading up to the appointment so I have got a list of things to talk about with him.
Does anyone else have the same problem that I do?
I saw the psychologist today and talked to him about it. He said he didn't like hearing me talk about what was going on as it seemed as though my father was being cruel. I said it wasn't intentional and I don't think he knows he is doing it. He said I should talk to him about it but I don't see a lot of point. It won't change anything so why have a difficult conversation I don't want to have for nothing. There was a point last week where I was on the sofa and he came in and just told me to move. And then mimicked me when I replied that I was sitting there, what I was watching was nearly over and I would be going to my room when it was. I didn't get all teenagery on him but I did snap a bit and say that he was driving me mad with his constant digs and what he was doing and he was like "well I am not doing anything, stop being so sensitive".
I told the psychologist that all of this no matter how small was adding to my anxiety and I spend the whole time he is in on edge just waiting for it. He said he could see how this would be the case. And, because of the anxiety the strength of the urges to self harm were becoming stronger. I have not self harmed at all in the last 2 weeks since coming out of hospital. The urges haven't been that strong but they are getting stronger each day. I said I had been trying out the DBT stuff and what I felt comfortable with and he said it's important I stick with it and keep practising it even when I don't have urges so that it becomes second nature to me. I said it all felt like just sticking a plaster on it and not getting to the route cause of things and he said sometimes you need a plaster as will stop other things and the self harm from getting worse as in the past I have done some pretty serious life endangering shit and nearly died when I had a bowl perforation last year that required emergency surgery. The DBT stuff, if I practise it enough should stop me getting back to that stage again.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I said I did think about it still. That there is only so much I can cope with before it gets to that stage where I start to make attempts and that I feel that there is only so far I will go with trying before I think it's not going to work and can not see a point any more. He said I was talking like it was inevitable that that was going to happen. I said I wasn't sure. I know it comes in cycles for me. So maybe it is. At the moment I do have some energy to put into all of this but there will probably come a point where I lose that and lose all hope. I've re read my blog recently and have seen that there is the cycles that come around quite often.
I don't want to be the person who self-harms. I don't want to rely on it. I don't want to have the urges. It's one thing learning how to cope with the urges but I don't want them there at all. And that is one of the things that makes me feel suicidal. I have been told the urges may never go away but I may be able to learn how to cope with them. I don't want to be just able to cope with them. I don't want them. Am I seriously going to have to live my whole life like this? I don't want a life like that. A life of struggling. A life of anxiety. Learning how to cope with them is just like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound that needs to be sutured. I need suturing. Psychologist thinks it's about control and living at home is not doing me any favours. We talked a bit about when I lived on my own in the past and I said I was self harming more. So moving out, although it will solve some problems is not going to make everything all hunky dory again.
He is only going to see me until March so I will probably only have 4-5 more appointments with him. I don't know if anything will be put in place after. But I am feeling quite anxious about losing him already. I do find talking to him useful as I don't talk to anyone else about the things I talk to him about. He said this needs to change as will not do me any good bottling it up and like a pressure cooker I may explode. I don't really have long to work on that really. But on the other hand I when I go to the appointments I never know what I want to talk about. Maybe I should write down things through the week leading up to the appointment so I have got a list of things to talk about with him.
Does anyone else have the same problem that I do?
Monday, 19 November 2012
Confidence
Since leaving hospital I have had low confidence. It really knocked my confidence being in so long, so much so I struggled to make phone calls to people I didn't know. I have OT coming round tomorrow and she has asked me to look at the Recovery Colleges courses and there is one on confidence building but I am not sure if I want to do a course like that. I question my own needs and wonder if I need to do one?
But on the other hand, this is going to sound really slaggy, but here I go anyway... I went out on Saturday night. Before I went out I was feeling really shit about myself. I kept looking in the mirror and just feeling massive. More massive than usual. I felt so bad about myself I didn't really want to go out and was feeling quite anxious. I even started doing my usual drink to forget/fall in to oblivion which usually has disastrous consequences. We were meeting people I didn't know which didn't help either as I had not met them before and wondered what they had been told about me. And on the way into town my friends new boyfriend was making jokes about self harm and saying how he has an alter ego on facebook who he makes say things like "my life is going shit so I'm going to put broken glass in my shoes and walk around". Basically just making me feel really shit about it. In one way though I suppose I should have realised that this meant that my friend hadn't told him about me and why or if I was in hospital for so long. But either way, not good for confidence.
I was pleasantly surprised by the guys we met up with. If they noticed I wasn't talking to anyone they made an effort to bring me in to the conversation and I got on really well with them. I was actually starting to have a good time. Then we were in a bar and I got talking to a random guy and we ended up kissing. Then in another bar there was another guy. Then in the club there was about 2 guys. I'm not actually sure as I was very drunk. Very drunk. And while I can't really condone this type of behaviour from myself as it is kind of slaggy, I woke up in a great mood and it did give me a confidence boost as these guys were attracted to me. To start the night feeling so shit about myself and not really wanting to go and very anxious it finished being one of the best nights out I have had in a long time. I woke up with 2 random numbers in my phone and then last night a text from another of them.
Although I was in a good mood yesterday as of the previous night I was hanging and had the red bull shakes. I try and avoid vodka usually as it usually gets me into trouble but I didn't really know what to drink and didn't fancy anything else. So I was drinking double vodka red bulls and a lot of them, and jagerbombs too. No wonder I felt rough until about 7pm last night.
Also, this is my 300th post. Wow. I re read all my blog not so long back and it makes some interesting reading. I can't see any patterns but have seen at times when I have been ill. I think at the moment I am not quite there but I am in recovery. I am trying. I am even trying this DBT stuff which Psychologist is now sneaking in to our sessions. I worry that I will never stop being a self harmer. That when the going gets tough I will look to take an easy way out by trying to kill myself. That this disease is always going to be with me and is me. I feel I am defined by it at the moment and it is what I am.
I am trying to make positive, sensible plans and to move forward.
I am just not sure if I have the capabilities to do so.
But on the other hand, this is going to sound really slaggy, but here I go anyway... I went out on Saturday night. Before I went out I was feeling really shit about myself. I kept looking in the mirror and just feeling massive. More massive than usual. I felt so bad about myself I didn't really want to go out and was feeling quite anxious. I even started doing my usual drink to forget/fall in to oblivion which usually has disastrous consequences. We were meeting people I didn't know which didn't help either as I had not met them before and wondered what they had been told about me. And on the way into town my friends new boyfriend was making jokes about self harm and saying how he has an alter ego on facebook who he makes say things like "my life is going shit so I'm going to put broken glass in my shoes and walk around". Basically just making me feel really shit about it. In one way though I suppose I should have realised that this meant that my friend hadn't told him about me and why or if I was in hospital for so long. But either way, not good for confidence.
I was pleasantly surprised by the guys we met up with. If they noticed I wasn't talking to anyone they made an effort to bring me in to the conversation and I got on really well with them. I was actually starting to have a good time. Then we were in a bar and I got talking to a random guy and we ended up kissing. Then in another bar there was another guy. Then in the club there was about 2 guys. I'm not actually sure as I was very drunk. Very drunk. And while I can't really condone this type of behaviour from myself as it is kind of slaggy, I woke up in a great mood and it did give me a confidence boost as these guys were attracted to me. To start the night feeling so shit about myself and not really wanting to go and very anxious it finished being one of the best nights out I have had in a long time. I woke up with 2 random numbers in my phone and then last night a text from another of them.
Although I was in a good mood yesterday as of the previous night I was hanging and had the red bull shakes. I try and avoid vodka usually as it usually gets me into trouble but I didn't really know what to drink and didn't fancy anything else. So I was drinking double vodka red bulls and a lot of them, and jagerbombs too. No wonder I felt rough until about 7pm last night.
Also, this is my 300th post. Wow. I re read all my blog not so long back and it makes some interesting reading. I can't see any patterns but have seen at times when I have been ill. I think at the moment I am not quite there but I am in recovery. I am trying. I am even trying this DBT stuff which Psychologist is now sneaking in to our sessions. I worry that I will never stop being a self harmer. That when the going gets tough I will look to take an easy way out by trying to kill myself. That this disease is always going to be with me and is me. I feel I am defined by it at the moment and it is what I am.
I am trying to make positive, sensible plans and to move forward.
I am just not sure if I have the capabilities to do so.
Thursday, 15 November 2012
Finding The Words To Say
I realise I've not posted in a while. It's not because nothing has happened but because I have struggled to put it in to words. I have had two psychology sessions since I last wrote and I have no chance of remembering details.
Well to start off with I am now out of hospital, as of today. It was a planned admission (kind of, in the way that once I agreed to go in we planned it) of three weeks. If I am honest I didn't want to come out. I told them this also. I said I don't feel any better than when I came in and I am still having the same suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm as I was when I was admitted and I don't feel as though I am any better equipped to deal with them. Whilst in hospital I self harmed seriously twice. Once which I wrote about before which was swallowing the battery and the second time I cut up quite badly, blood let, swallowed the needle and razor and popped a load of paracetamol but I was found before I took the paracetamol. I'm not proud of myself. I feel so let down with myself. I had tried so hard to keep on top of the urges and not do anything. It also pissed the staff off as I had spent some time talking in detail and getting stuff sorted out the same day and she said she felt as though she had wasted her time.
She did lend me this really good book about self-harm and the reasons behind why people do it and I was able to identify with a lot of the reasons and although I found the beginning bit really triggering it also made me feel as though I wasn't alone and helped me understand myself a bit more. The book is Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from Dbt and Other Treatments. I only read the first 6 chapters and didn't actually get on to the overcoming it and skills part but I have brought my own copy off Amazon for £10 so if you self harm it may be worth giving it a look.
So if I go back to two weeks ago the session with the psychologist. He said it was really good to see me. Even though it was only a few days after a massive OD and the 136. Just going off tangent a little the AMHP called psychologist to get his advice about me. Thought that was weird that's all. Anyway. I told him how I had been giving this mindfulness stuff more of a go and had been using YouTube for guided stuff and he became really smug. Bastard. Nah, only joking, but he did get quite smug and I told you so.
This week we talked a lot about DBT techniques. I think he's secretly giving me DBT now. And I've got a load of exercises to do and rate them all every day before next week. I'll probably just end up making most of it up. I am not very good with "homework". I use the sessions to spill my guts out and then forget about them. I don't tend to take much from them. I know if I am going to get better then I need to take more from them. He did most the talking today though. I told him my worries about going home and even before I am at home I find myself making plans to kill myself and he seemed to think all this DBT stuff was the answer. That and filling my time. There's probably a reason why as a psychologist he's probably on around £50k a year, and maybe, just maybe he has some method behind what he is saying. And me being me refuses as usual to listen. Maybe I should actually give the stuff a go.
I've also decided I am moving out as living with my parents is just toxic for me. I am constantly on edge, tis not a good place to be. I was assessed by tenancy support workers from Rethink today to see if they will take me on. I suppose I will find out next week at some point. My CPN is going to try and get me in supported living and what the TSW is try and get me higher priority on council listings so I am given a better chance when I bid for properties. I don't know what it means for uni though as I won't be given housing benefit if I am a student. I really don't want to give up the course. It is something I am really worrying about. I will speak to my CPN when I see her next week.
I'm having massive urges right now and am reluctant to sign off because this is keeping me occupied, but I have run out of things to say.
Thanks
xxx
Well to start off with I am now out of hospital, as of today. It was a planned admission (kind of, in the way that once I agreed to go in we planned it) of three weeks. If I am honest I didn't want to come out. I told them this also. I said I don't feel any better than when I came in and I am still having the same suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm as I was when I was admitted and I don't feel as though I am any better equipped to deal with them. Whilst in hospital I self harmed seriously twice. Once which I wrote about before which was swallowing the battery and the second time I cut up quite badly, blood let, swallowed the needle and razor and popped a load of paracetamol but I was found before I took the paracetamol. I'm not proud of myself. I feel so let down with myself. I had tried so hard to keep on top of the urges and not do anything. It also pissed the staff off as I had spent some time talking in detail and getting stuff sorted out the same day and she said she felt as though she had wasted her time.
She did lend me this really good book about self-harm and the reasons behind why people do it and I was able to identify with a lot of the reasons and although I found the beginning bit really triggering it also made me feel as though I wasn't alone and helped me understand myself a bit more. The book is Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from Dbt and Other Treatments. I only read the first 6 chapters and didn't actually get on to the overcoming it and skills part but I have brought my own copy off Amazon for £10 so if you self harm it may be worth giving it a look.
So if I go back to two weeks ago the session with the psychologist. He said it was really good to see me. Even though it was only a few days after a massive OD and the 136. Just going off tangent a little the AMHP called psychologist to get his advice about me. Thought that was weird that's all. Anyway. I told him how I had been giving this mindfulness stuff more of a go and had been using YouTube for guided stuff and he became really smug. Bastard. Nah, only joking, but he did get quite smug and I told you so.
This week we talked a lot about DBT techniques. I think he's secretly giving me DBT now. And I've got a load of exercises to do and rate them all every day before next week. I'll probably just end up making most of it up. I am not very good with "homework". I use the sessions to spill my guts out and then forget about them. I don't tend to take much from them. I know if I am going to get better then I need to take more from them. He did most the talking today though. I told him my worries about going home and even before I am at home I find myself making plans to kill myself and he seemed to think all this DBT stuff was the answer. That and filling my time. There's probably a reason why as a psychologist he's probably on around £50k a year, and maybe, just maybe he has some method behind what he is saying. And me being me refuses as usual to listen. Maybe I should actually give the stuff a go.
I've also decided I am moving out as living with my parents is just toxic for me. I am constantly on edge, tis not a good place to be. I was assessed by tenancy support workers from Rethink today to see if they will take me on. I suppose I will find out next week at some point. My CPN is going to try and get me in supported living and what the TSW is try and get me higher priority on council listings so I am given a better chance when I bid for properties. I don't know what it means for uni though as I won't be given housing benefit if I am a student. I really don't want to give up the course. It is something I am really worrying about. I will speak to my CPN when I see her next week.
I'm having massive urges right now and am reluctant to sign off because this is keeping me occupied, but I have run out of things to say.
Thanks
xxx
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