Thursday, 27 December 2012

I'm Scared

I'm scared it's all happening again with me. The way I feel and my thoughts are really disturbing. I am swallowing razors in the hope they do something and all I think about it when and how I can do something that will end my life. People, like my family think I am getting better and I don't want them to think any different but I don't think I can continue like I am. I recognise that I am having the same thoughts as I was having when I was seen as needing to be on a PICU. I have looked at blogs from this time last year when I was moved to the local PICU from out of town one and the memories of how I was then and comparing them to how I am now are similar.

I can't tell anyone about the self-harm as then my CPN or Psychologist will have to break confidentiality and tell my parents and I don't want them knowing. I would also be forced in to going to the ED and maybe staying over night and I can't face that.

As I said before I am using maladaptive coping mechanisms at the moment. One I have talked about previously is getting completely wasted and kissing loads of men. Another is I am binge eating crap. It's a comfort thing and it's not good. I am already feeling shit about my weight but then go and eat more. It's a vicious circle.

If I told anyone my plans then I'd probably end up being sectioned again. I probably need to be back in hospital at the moment. But I'm not going. Not this time. I can't cope with all the admissions. People finding out and being embarrassed by it as yet again I have failed at something.

I keep going around and around in the same circle. Feeling ok-ish for a bit, not long. But then getting depressed again and feeling suicidal and battling with self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts. The psychologist tries to get me to focus on the ok parts when I am depressed, saying that I should know it's a circle so I will come out of it. But I also know that it's a circle and I will go back in to it. I hate living like this. The ok parts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

My CPN, Psychologist and OT think I am doing really well. Only because I hold back a lot. There's no way I'll be telling them about the swallowing stuff. That's not a sign I am doing well. I've only been out of hospital about 6 weeks, if that and I feel as though I am heading back there again and I am scared. It's pretty obvious I can't cope in the real world. Maybe they were right when they were thinking low secure? I'm a danger to myself and can't keep myself safe so perhaps I need to be in an environment where I have limited options.

I'm only at the preliminary planning stage at the moment and have nothing set in stone but those plans are being made and it is not a good sign. I don't know what to do.

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