I feel as though I am being regressed back in to a teenager. And the reason for this is my father. He is driving me insane. Well, more insane. His whole attitude and the way he is with me is really getting to me. He is condescending towards me, expects me to run around after him, tells me what to do and mimics me. It is seriously driving me insane. I try and avoid it by staying in my room but even still I am on edge all the time he is home as I am just waiting for him to start. I need to move out and as soon as possible.
I saw the psychologist today and talked to him about it. He said he didn't like hearing me talk about what was going on as it seemed as though my father was being cruel. I said it wasn't intentional and I don't think he knows he is doing it. He said I should talk to him about it but I don't see a lot of point. It won't change anything so why have a difficult conversation I don't want to have for nothing. There was a point last week where I was on the sofa and he came in and just told me to move. And then mimicked me when I replied that I was sitting there, what I was watching was nearly over and I would be going to my room when it was. I didn't get all teenagery on him but I did snap a bit and say that he was driving me mad with his constant digs and what he was doing and he was like "well I am not doing anything, stop being so sensitive".
I told the psychologist that all of this no matter how small was adding to my anxiety and I spend the whole time he is in on edge just waiting for it. He said he could see how this would be the case. And, because of the anxiety the strength of the urges to self harm were becoming stronger. I have not self harmed at all in the last 2 weeks since coming out of hospital. The urges haven't been that strong but they are getting stronger each day. I said I had been trying out the DBT stuff and what I felt comfortable with and he said it's important I stick with it and keep practising it even when I don't have urges so that it becomes second nature to me. I said it all felt like just sticking a plaster on it and not getting to the route cause of things and he said sometimes you need a plaster as will stop other things and the self harm from getting worse as in the past I have done some pretty serious life endangering shit and nearly died when I had a bowl perforation last year that required emergency surgery. The DBT stuff, if I practise it enough should stop me getting back to that stage again.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I said I did think about it still. That there is only so much I can cope with before it gets to that stage where I start to make attempts and that I feel that there is only so far I will go with trying before I think it's not going to work and can not see a point any more. He said I was talking like it was inevitable that that was going to happen. I said I wasn't sure. I know it comes in cycles for me. So maybe it is. At the moment I do have some energy to put into all of this but there will probably come a point where I lose that and lose all hope. I've re read my blog recently and have seen that there is the cycles that come around quite often.
I don't want to be the person who self-harms. I don't want to rely on it. I don't want to have the urges. It's one thing learning how to cope with the urges but I don't want them there at all. And that is one of the things that makes me feel suicidal. I have been told the urges may never go away but I may be able to learn how to cope with them. I don't want to be just able to cope with them. I don't want them. Am I seriously going to have to live my whole life like this? I don't want a life like that. A life of struggling. A life of anxiety. Learning how to cope with them is just like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound that needs to be sutured. I need suturing. Psychologist thinks it's about control and living at home is not doing me any favours. We talked a bit about when I lived on my own in the past and I said I was self harming more. So moving out, although it will solve some problems is not going to make everything all hunky dory again.
He is only going to see me until March so I will probably only have 4-5 more appointments with him. I don't know if anything will be put in place after. But I am feeling quite anxious about losing him already. I do find talking to him useful as I don't talk to anyone else about the things I talk to him about. He said this needs to change as will not do me any good bottling it up and like a pressure cooker I may explode. I don't really have long to work on that really. But on the other hand I when I go to the appointments I never know what I want to talk about. Maybe I should write down things through the week leading up to the appointment so I have got a list of things to talk about with him.
Does anyone else have the same problem that I do?