Since leaving hospital I have had low confidence. It really knocked my confidence being in so long, so much so I struggled to make phone calls to people I didn't know. I have OT coming round tomorrow and she has asked me to look at the Recovery Colleges courses and there is one on confidence building but I am not sure if I want to do a course like that. I question my own needs and wonder if I need to do one?
But on the other hand, this is going to sound really slaggy, but here I go anyway... I went out on Saturday night. Before I went out I was feeling really shit about myself. I kept looking in the mirror and just feeling massive. More massive than usual. I felt so bad about myself I didn't really want to go out and was feeling quite anxious. I even started doing my usual drink to forget/fall in to oblivion which usually has disastrous consequences. We were meeting people I didn't know which didn't help either as I had not met them before and wondered what they had been told about me. And on the way into town my friends new boyfriend was making jokes about self harm and saying how he has an alter ego on facebook who he makes say things like "my life is going shit so I'm going to put broken glass in my shoes and walk around". Basically just making me feel really shit about it. In one way though I suppose I should have realised that this meant that my friend hadn't told him about me and why or if I was in hospital for so long. But either way, not good for confidence.
I was pleasantly surprised by the guys we met up with. If they noticed I wasn't talking to anyone they made an effort to bring me in to the conversation and I got on really well with them. I was actually starting to have a good time. Then we were in a bar and I got talking to a random guy and we ended up kissing. Then in another bar there was another guy. Then in the club there was about 2 guys. I'm not actually sure as I was very drunk. Very drunk. And while I can't really condone this type of behaviour from myself as it is kind of slaggy, I woke up in a great mood and it did give me a confidence boost as these guys were attracted to me. To start the night feeling so shit about myself and not really wanting to go and very anxious it finished being one of the best nights out I have had in a long time. I woke up with 2 random numbers in my phone and then last night a text from another of them.
Although I was in a good mood yesterday as of the previous night I was hanging and had the red bull shakes. I try and avoid vodka usually as it usually gets me into trouble but I didn't really know what to drink and didn't fancy anything else. So I was drinking double vodka red bulls and a lot of them, and jagerbombs too. No wonder I felt rough until about 7pm last night.
Also, this is my 300th post. Wow. I re read all my blog not so long back and it makes some interesting reading. I can't see any patterns but have seen at times when I have been ill. I think at the moment I am not quite there but I am in recovery. I am trying. I am even trying this DBT stuff which Psychologist is now sneaking in to our sessions. I worry that I will never stop being a self harmer. That when the going gets tough I will look to take an easy way out by trying to kill myself. That this disease is always going to be with me and is me. I feel I am defined by it at the moment and it is what I am.
I am trying to make positive, sensible plans and to move forward.
I am just not sure if I have the capabilities to do so.