Insomnia strikes again tonight. I feel so stressed out. My head is a mess. Urges are in overdrive. Even having dreams about it. Last night I had a really graphic dream that my throat was slit and I was bleeding out. I had this really nice calm feeling. Despite them stitching it up, I kept opening it just to get that nice calm feeling. It was really detailed. I sometimes remember dreams. But nothing like this one. The last time I had such a vivid dream, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a premonition.
I know my fate is in my hands. But that worries me. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. It's never been one of my fantasies in terms of self harm. But, what worries me is that it could be a premonition that things are heading to crisis point. The point where I do something life altering on purpose, but as a spontaneous act. Sometimes, I do lose control. I am doing everything I can to try and keep control. In trying things like distraction, mindfulness exercises, getting out, seeing family, going to the gym etc. I've also been extra self medicating. I've needed it. I've needed the extra Quetiapine to get me through the day. I've needed to feel that spaced out feeling so I am not in overdrive with the urges. So I don't act on anything. I'm not sure it's the right thing to be doing. But when crisis team aren't very helpful, I've had to do something myself.
I'm stressed out about this coming weekend. I don't want to go. I am not ready to see everyone who I went on the trip with last week. I need space still. But if I don't go it will cause a huge blow up and the friendships will end but not on my terms. I've even considered making myself ill. Considered a load of laxatives and saying to doctors I don't know what's made me ill, hoping I end up in hospital because I can't keep fluids in. I considered faking appendicitis. Actually going as far as going to hospital with it. I looked up all the symptoms, would have been quite easy to fake. I even thought if they wanted to remove it just to be on the safe side I'd go through with surgery. How fucked up is that? But then I realised how much money I'd cost the NHS and thought twice. Also, because I'd had previous abdominal surgery, it would be most likely it would be open. Not keyhoLe. Thus, not being able to go to the gym for a few weeks. Thought that could actually make my mood worse off in the long run, especially when comparing it to my agony of not wanting to go this weekend.
So, I've decided to suck it up, try as best I can to put on a happy face and make it look like I'm having a great time. I don't want any focus on me at all this weekend. I don't want people asking if I'm ok, and then giving people a reason to bitch about me behind my back. It's not just that I don't want the paranoia, this weekend isn't about me. The focus is on the bride to be.
That makes it sound as though it's usually about me, doesn't it? It's not. But, people don't understand my problems. It's not just being sad. Or a bit down in the dumps, or being a miserable party pooper. But, I think that's how they view me. I try as hard as I can to put on this facade of being ok. But, try as I might, it usually breaks.
I have a feeling that I'm going to come back from this weekend totally drained. I know that's pessimistic. But, being with a group of people for any length of time does that to me. I can't cope with it.
I suppose I'm quite a solitary person. Not sure if I've always been like that. I've been uncomfortable in groups for quite a while. I get anxious, I get paranoid. I prefer the company of one other person, not lots of people. I always feel as though I'm on the outside.
Maybe it's because I don't have much in common with the groups I tend to associate with. I don't know. But I feel like an outsider.