Saturday, 31 May 2014


How can I be in a city of nearly 1.5million people and be lonely? Because of the people I was with.

And, as I expected, I have crashed. I am an emotional wreck. I think, well, I hope some of it is jet lag. So, I am doing what I can to look after myself to combat that.

I know I haven't been feeling all that great for the last couple of weeks anyway. So, I wonder if what I experienced was me not rationalising things properly. But, even if my experience wasn't real, my emotions are.

I felt constantly paranoid that as soon as I left them as a group they would bitch about me behind my back. They would form a little circle and chat and not make space for me to join in. It was little things. Not be allowed to get breakfast or dinner because they weren't hungry because they had had pizza or burger at 6am after getting in after drinking. But I hadn't eaten since 8 the night before.

So, now I feel shit. I am over emotional. I was feeling shit before I went anyway. I had quite bad urges to self harm and I kept telling myself wait until you get back. So, now I am back, and I have given in to the urges and I have SH. It's what they class as bad. But, I don't.

I tried calling crisis team. But, they weren't much good. Basically told me to watch some more TV and if I still felt bad in a couple of hours to call them back. I am emotional wreck. I am crying at everything. For instance one of the girls I went on the trip with put her profile picture as a a group shot that I wasn't in. There were quite a few group shots where we were all in it together and was a nice picture. But in my stupid irrational head I see that as a personal insult. Stupid isn't it?

My sleep is messed up too. I am going to sleep ok, but waking up a couple of hours later and can't get back to sleep. This morning I woke up at 3am, didn't get back to sleep until 6ish. But, then I didn't wake up until 11.15. Went out for a cig and laid back down on my bed and woke up again at 1.30pm. But, I feel as though I could go to sleep now. I am exhausted. I am totally drained. I am over emotional and crying at everything.

I keep thinking about ways in which I could end things. I did a medication count yesterday. Not really a good sign is it? I don't have enough anyway. But, I probably would when I fill my new prescription next week.

I am meant to be going on a hen weekend next weekend with the same girls I was with last week. I really don't want to go. So much so I have been looking up illnesses I can fake that are serious. If I could land me in hospital that would be a bonus. But, it couldn't be something I had done myself. Or maybe, I could take something like a load of laxatives, not say I had done it and get admitted for a gastro thing and get put on a drip. Good way to lose weight too. I lost about a stone when I got back from travelling and my knee infection caused me gastro problems as the infection had got in my blood.

If I don't go because I don't want to go, then, I will never be forgiven. At least if it's something like this, it is out of my control. Well, in their opinion it is.

I need to put more thought in to it really.

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