I have noticed in the last few months I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to. Or as much as I should. Writing on here helps me place things in to the right boxes in my head and gives me some order to my thoughts.
So where am I.
A bit lost again. Struggling again. The little voices in my head have got louder.
G thinks this is because I am stressed and have a lot going on. There is the thing with starting college, telling Uni I am not going back, stress with my family and stress with my friends.
But, even if this is the case, how I am feeling, even though I can attribute some of the way I feel to how I feel. It still sucks. I hate it.
G says I need to not reinforce my thoughts by acting on anything. If I don't act on the self harm urges or let the other thoughts get out of control I am positively reinforcing them. Not negatively. So, each time it will get easier and easier to deal with how I am feeling and the thoughts I have. I see where he is coming from. What I can't see is me actually doing that. OK, sometimes I have. But other times I haven't. I do end up giving in. Even now, I am telling myself that if it gets to the beginning of August and I still feel like I do, I will allow myself to do something. I am not saying end it all. But, I mean in terms of cutting. That's fair enough isn't it? I mean, It is over a month away still. It's not like I am not going to give it a good go.
I turned 30 not long ago. I feel shit about that. 30 was my base age growing up of what was old. Even when I was in my early 20's. People have been taking the piss out of me because I was feeling shit about it. But, they don't know the real reasons. Not how I really feel about it. I can't say it is, and I know they probably look at my life and all they see is me not working and going on holiday etc etc. They don't look beneath the surface and see what is really going on. I am probably doing it with them. But, they have careers, they have a house, they are in a long term relationship or at least able to think about going there. I am nowhere near any of these. I had all these ideas that by the time I was my age I would have it sorted. Not be in a position where I can't work as of the illness, not be too scared to go anywhere near a relationship. I would love to have some sense of normality in my life. Not walk around wishing I was dead. Not counting the medication I have in and then googling whether or not it would kill me, not thinking I need to swallow something. Not seeing swallowing something as a not really self harming thing. Not writing about swallowing something and going to the cupboard I keep things in and swallow something because even writing about it makes the urge uncontrollable.
I pictured being 30 as being married, having kids, having a nice(ish) house, having a career where I earn a decent wage and not being entry level. I have none of this. And, I am no where near getting any of it. From being about 13, I have known I have wanted kids. I always said by the time I was 25 I would like them. I saw people who said they wanted to wait until they were in their 30's as being quite odd. I wanted kids young. I wanted to be a young Mum. I wanted to be young enough so that when the kids are old enough and I have made money in a career I could go on nice holidays like my parents have done. OK, I know they're not happy. But still. Another thing I want is I wanted my kids to grow up with cousins who are close in age so that they could be friends. My nephews are 5 and 3 now. I suppose, they can be babysitters for me when they are older at least.
So, G asked me to think about a few things. He told me to write them down so I would remember. The thing is, although I wrote them down I am not exactly sure in what context he wanted me to think about them. Do I look at just one aspect, or to every area of my life. Every area would take me ages.
What schemas are active? What traps are there? What would the healthy adult response be?
Do urges/thoughts etc fit with my priorities, do they block me from achieving them?
Do urges/thoughts fit with meeting my needs or are they getting in the way of it?
What would the consequences be in terms of reinforcing schemas?
Are my priorities and needs the same as my values? What are they and how do you act so they are affective for you?
I really don't know where to start with this. It's like I have been given an essay to write and I have no idea what I am doing. It is harder than my bloody masters level social work essays. And I only have a week to think about it. I have know idea what I need to do with this.