I've been here before. I do have a massive sense of Deja Vu. And I think, it's approaching the time I need to do something about it.
Before my trip with them I had a few doubts. People have said to me a few times, that perhaps I need to find some new friends. I saw G on Wednesday last week. He put it in a slightly more diplomatic way. He said it sounded like my friends didn't meet my needs. And that I needed to think about how my friends met my needs. He wanted me to write a list.
This is basically what I have come up with...
In the unmet needs side of things, I have got...
I don't feel supported in what I do.
Feel as what ever I do do in trying to move on is scrutinised.
Basically with this, it comes from me wanting to change career all together. But, I feel any steps I have made with this have come under huge scrutiny and I feel that I am not getting any support. In the past few months I have seriously considered a career in photography. I really like it. I am quite good at it. With some teaching, I think I will be good. I have had professional photographers tell me I am good, but I need to learn how to use equipment properly and use professional equipment, not just my phone. So basically, that I have an eye and I can be trained in to being a photographer. So, I had decided I am going to leave Social Work behind for now and make a go of this. But it does mean going back to college. So I applied. I got an interview. And after loads of prep for the interview and the interview I got a place on the course. Bar one friend. No one wished me luck, no one said I hope you get on, no one congratulated me or asked me how it went. When I mentioned it it was like, oh, that's good. But with no enthusiasm at all. One of my friends, she contacted me during the day of the interview asking how I was feeling about it and wishing me luck. I had texts from her about an hour after the interview time asking me how it all went. She was supportive, she was thinking about me. But no one else does. I feel like they think I am just taking the piss and I should get any old job. I have been ill for enough time now and I should just move on.
Well, sorry, it doesn't work like that.
They make me feel guilty about how I spend my time. I've lost quite a lot of weight in the last year. I have been going to the gym and eating well. Well, most the times. As I write this I have a glass of red wine in my hand and have nuts near by. I don't brag about it or anything. But people have noticed I have lost weight. I've dropped 3 dress sizes. But then people say things like that it's easy to lose weight when you don't work. This is coming from a person who works part time so she doesn't have much of an excuse. But, it's just another dig. So because of this, I feel I have to censor what I say to people. I feel that people don't know me. If I say I was upset about something I am made to feel as though I am defective because I have been too sensitive for those feelings I have had. So I keep quiet about everything.
They don't understand my MH problems. I think that they think because I am not in hospital that I am well. That I should be working. They don't understand that every day is a struggle. That because I am not in hospital, it doesn't mean I am OK. Yes, I have improved since I was in PICU. But, it's not easy. I have found ways in which makes it a bit easier. But, in all honesty, I don't actually feel any different since hospital. I just don't act on things like I did before. But, that doesn't mean it's any easier for me. If anything it's harder for me.
I don't think they understand that there is no cure for the illness. It is something I will battle with for a long time. It's something I have to work bloody hard at. It drains me. Because of the illness, I have lost a career. Because of the way things are now, the career I had planned isn't really suited to me. So, i have chosen to follow photography. To be self employed and manage my own case load. I do have a good chance at making a career out of this. I have got the talent. But, I am not getting any support from them at all.
I need my friends to recognise my achievements. I just completed a massive challenge for me. I walked bloody miles and then climbed the highest mountain in the UK. Not one of them contacted me while I was doing it to ask how it was going, no one after. Then, when I saw them all after, no one asked how it went etc. I was quite upset by it. My family were all great. One of my friends (not from the same group) was too (I just want to add when I talk about friends I am talking about a particular group of about 6 of them, one of them, a different friend is totally amazing, she doesn't come in to this at all). But, no one sees what I have done as being an achievement for me.
They do have some good points though. They did visit me while I was in hospital. They kept in contact with me. I lost a lot of friends when I became ill. But, they were there.
When I want to go out and get pissed, dance like a fool, and forget shit. There is usually someone there to rely on to do that.
But, should I keep looking to the past to determine the future? In that, I mean, I have very little in common with them. I get upset by them. Are they good for me any more? Should I hold on to the past that they were there when I was at my worst. Or, move on? I feel guilty.
I was speaking, well more ranting to my other friend and my parents about it all. They said they are like that because they are probably jealous. Do they not realise I would swap places with them in a shot. Do they not realise I have lost a career. Something I worked towards for years. Something that has got me in nearly 20k worth of student debt for. I lost friends. I lost my life. I go through shit most days. I live my life wishing I was dead. I would have loved to have stayed at uni. Got my masters, to have a career, have a house, have a stable long term relationship, or even be in a position where I could enter a relationship, I would love to not rely on medication to give me some kind of stableness when it works.
So yes, I do get to go away quite a bit. But that is because my parents are really supportive. I get a lot from my parents. They are supporting me with the photography. They want me to succeed in that. And, it doesn't actually cost them that much more to take me with them. But, yes. I am lucky, I admit that. I have a supportive family. Family and my other friend have noticed some snotty comments on facebook from another friend about how I am going away soon with my Dad to Europe. Friend and family jumped to my defence immediately backing me up and saying how what the other girl had wasn't bad at all and she needed to think her self lucky etc.
But is it jealousy? I am upset and angry if it is. If it is, they can't be that good friends because they don't know me. They don't know me at all. I would give anything to be able to be in the career I worked towards for so long, to be in a position to be in a long term relationship, to not have to think through every step I make in case it sends me hyper or low. I am not saying their lives are full of roses. They also have their problems. But, is it too much to ask for for some support? Is it?
Oh. And this was my 500th post. Happy 500 to meeeeeee!