I really didn't want to go to the psychologist appointment. I was close to cancelling. I was worried about it and I didn't want to go and feel shit about things after. But, it was actually OK. He asked how I was feeling and I said I was doing a lot better. He said he was quite relieved and made up I was doing better as he was really worried and concerned that I was just surrendering to everything and was giving up.
I can't really remember what we talked about. It was pretty none eventful. He told me I need to write down what it is like to be feeling better so I can read it when I feel bad to remind myself that things can be ok at times. So that is why there is a letter to myself as the last post. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But it's worth a shot isn't it?
The main thing this last week was the appointment with my CPN and what is happening there.
Basically I am losing her. And that terrifies me. I am being transferred over to another team at the team I am under at the moment is only a short term thing, and I have been with them coming up to 3 years. Basically, they won't allocate me another CPN/CCO while I have one at the moment. So she needs to discharge me from her service. I will still have G and Dr T. The plan is that I will continue to see G weekly and he will inform my new team if I need more support. Currently I am under Crisis Team and if I need more input I can call them and either speak to a duty worker who will get my CPN to call me, or if she is not there someone else, or just talk to her. I see my CPN every couple of weeks and if I need to I can call and speak to her or bring appointments forward. Now I will have to call this new team and speak to someone there, but there won't be one person who I can have as my person. So technically it could be a different person every time. If G or Dr T think I need more input they can also arrange for someone to come out and see me. Also, that if I need one, I will then be allocated a new CPN/CCO.
It took me ages to have any kind of relationship with her. I really didn't like her at first and it has only been the last few months that I have been able to build that relationship with her. It took so long. And now, I am going to lose that. And that worries me. I don't feel as though I am in recovery, or that I am stable. I feel as though I am constantly walking a tightrope. The people around me; my team, are my safety net and I feel as though they are taking that away from me. I worry that if I fall, it could cause some real damage if the people aren't there. Also, knowing they are there gives me more confidence and I think I am less likely to have a fall. Does that sound mad?
I told her I wasn't happy with it, but I would go along with it all as I didn't really have much choice. She said she knew it wasn't ideal and that the ideal would be I would be transferred and given a new CPN/CCO. But it can't work like that as there is a waiting list and that people who already have a CPN/CCO would not be allocated a new one.
But, yeah. I am quite scared.
I don't know how we got on to it but I came out with some stuff I have not said to anyone before. I said that although at the moment, things are more stable. I still don't see a future and I still think I will be successful in killing myself. I see that as my ending. I don't know when it will be, and I am not saying it's going to be in the next few days, weeks or what ever. But I still think it will happen. I don't think I am strong enough. Although things are more stable and I do feel a bit better at the moment, there is still this underlying sadness and underlying feeling that I can't put my finger on that is really strong.
The CPN said that it is quite likely if I continue to self harm the way in which I do when I am feeling on a low. But, I needed to talk to G about these feelings. So I think that will be the topic of our next session at the end of this week.
But those feelings are quite strong at the moment and they are quite scary in themselves.
I went round to a friend's house for a housewarming party the other night. They didn't stop with the compliments. That made me feel good. They were saying I was unrecognisable now. Not just in the weight I have lost, but in myself. That I remind them of teenage me. And they loved it. They said that a few months ago they struggled to have a conversation with me as I was not with it. That I was like a zombie at times and it was obvious I was putting an act on.
So I suppose maybe I am heading towards recovery as it would seem as though even though I feel I am putting an act on, I'm not as when I know I am putting an act on, people can see right through it. People can see more in me now than they could do before. It would seem as though people can see through me. So, perhaps maybe I am getting better. Or I am getting better at fooling people. Because I feel like I am fooling myself.