I feel ok in myself. Well I think I do. I don't feel really down etc etc etc. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am happy. But I am pretty stable. So why the constant suicidal thoughts? Why are they there pretty much all the time going round and round, the same thoughts on a reel flashing in front of my eyes.
I don't get why they are there. Usually I get them when I feel low and I am struggling with urges of self harm and they have become so intense that they then merge in to suicidal thoughts as I don't want to deal with those anymore. So to have them when I am feeling ok, is a bit weird.
Maybe it's the admitting out loud that although I am feeling more stable at the moment I don't see a future and that at some point I will probably end up ending my life.
I am also not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I am not sure I want to work in mental health. I am not sure I want to be a Social Worker anymore. But, this leaves me with nothing. I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea what else I would want to do. I keep having this stupid day dream of becoming a photographer. Getting famous with fantastic landscape images. And where has this come from... a few positive remarks on the photos I have put on facebook that I edited with instagram. I can't believe I am having doubts about it all after it being something I wanted to do for so long, for it to be something I really fought so hard to get on to and to try and stay on.
And now this. I feel kind of lost. Perhaps that is why I am having these thoughts.
I have not voiced my new way of thinking to anyone. I think maybe I need to talk about it with G tomorrow.