Friday, 15 November 2013

Not Sure What To Do.

I think I could have fucked up.

There is this guy who I have kind of known for the last few weeks. I have seen him pretty much every day. I know him from going to the gym. I was attracted to him and we spoke more and more each time and I grew to like him.

This week, we decided to not go to our usual class and we went to the pub instead. To quickly cut to the end we ended up in bed together, him staying over and also again the next night. But, I regret doing it and I am now worried what it will do to him. I was very drunk on the first night. And there was a lot of flirting, then all of a sudden things moved pretty fast. I was honest with him and told him that I have been in hospital and the scars are from self harm, that I was taking medication but things were more stable than they ever had been. And I suppose, I saw that he was ok with that and used that to my advantage and just went with it. I suppose when I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years, and a lot of that was because I was worried about the scaring, I needed that acceptance from some one, I needed to get over my fear. And I saw that as an opportunity to do that. And at that moment in time I did like him. And, it was brilliant. So much so I messaged him the next day seeing if he wanted to come over later that night for a repeat performance. He did come over and stayed over and we slept together again.

Initially I was very attracted to him. I suppose as the night wore on before we even came back to mine, the warning bells sounded, but I ignored them. Then as I consumed more alcohol, they weren't even ringing. The next morning there was some regret at what I had done, but, it was good so I thought I would see if he wanted to come over again. He did. He got on my nerves a bit most the night. Little things, but they were building up.

I am worried how intense he has got so quickly. He acts like we have been a couple months. He is overly comfortable. Little things like leaving the bathroom door open while he pees, he'll sit on the sofa and want me to snuggle in (which I don't mind and find quite nice), but he'll keep giving me affectionate kisses on the top of my head or smelling my hair. He also walks around naked. I find that really odd. Ok, I know we have slept together etc and I have seen all there is to see, but to walk around naked. I just find it odd. He has a daughter, who is about 3, but he has nothing to do with her and doesn't see her (it's bad enough him having a kid, but to not see her, that's even worse), he isn't working at the moment as he had to leave his job due to mental health problems (I know pot and kettle here, but I don't really want to take on someone else's mental health problems when my own are enough to deal with), and I think there are a few things going on in his life that some times he has been over sensitive over. Or maybe I'm just not sensitive enough. He has cut off all contact with his family and actually changed his name (first and last) because he doesn't want anything to do with them. Perhaps I am jumping to the wrong conclusion, but there are 2 sides to every story. I feel that he could have jumped in a bit much and have gone over board. It's the impression I get from him.

I can't put my finger on anything exactly. But it's not right. I feel that he has become very intense over me. I feel like he sees me as being perfect and he puts me on this pedestal.

I know, I am an awful person. But usually, I would just avoid the person I didn't really want to see anymore. But, I really like the class at the gym I go to and it is not on anywhere else. It's really working for me in losing weight. I don't want to have to stop going, because if things didn't work out well between us, then it would be weird wouldn't it.

So that's a rough outline of that.

I saw G today for a psychology session. I told him a bit about what had been going on...minus the sleeping with him part. He said he wondered if I felt I needed to be in a relationship and because of that I hold on to the wrong person. I said that was a load of crap as I wouldn't end things with guys or tell them no even after they said they would like to see me again. He said yeah, fair point. We related it to my schemas and talked a bit about which ones had been activated. Laughed about my avoidance of everything. We also talked about general crap and then we moved on to the psychic party etc. And my Nan. Cue the tears. Well, becoming tearful and trying very hard to not start sobbing uncontrollably as I knew if I started it would be hard to stop. He asked me why I wouldn't let myself cry and part of it was because I look a right mess when I cry and didn't want to ruin my make-up, but there is the uncontrollable part and I hate the feeling as though I am losing control. I said I don't like to feel strong emotions about something as it opens me up to emotions about other things, I worry that once I start to feel emotions that these other will creep in and I will get carried away. I've only done the tearful thing in front of him one or two times before and they were quite a while ago. I don't like to cry in front of other people as I am worried it is seen as a loss of control. Even though he said it was ok, he wasn't judging, he didn't see it as a loss of control, I can't do it. I very rarely cry in front of people. It was a really full on session for me, very hard. I talked about things I had never talked about with anyone before. I said I had these images going through my head all the time about her last few days and how at the moment it was all feeling quite fresh and recent. Not 14 years ago. He said I was putting too much of a time line on it, that there was no time line on grief. That also, perhaps, I shut myself off from it all those years ago and am possibly now feeling it.

He said one thing he had noticed when he first met me is that I was dis fragmented. That there were parts of me in different places and I didn't like them crossing over. He said that they are now coming together and that this is a painful process and although I may not like it, it is a necessary part of my recovery. Is it? He seems to think so. We over ran by quite a lot and he was mainly trying to get me to see that things weren't my fault or that I couldn't have changed anything. He said he was really happy with how I was doing that he didn't think I saw it but he did, that I had come a long way. There was still a long way to go, but I was getting there.

After the appointment I had to go to the Sexual Health clinic to get some emergency contraception. It was awful. I felt like a dirty little clueless whore. The woman I saw made me feel so horrible. She was questioning my consultant gynaecologists judgement about putting me on the pill for my PCOS and she called another doctor and between them wanted the over throw my consultant's method and put me on something else. I said I wasn't happy doing that as what she wanted to put me on, I know 3 people who have got pregnant while on that pill. I also didn't want to change anything without speaking to my consultant. So, I said I would speak to him about it. She wasn't happy at this at all. We were talking about sex and she asked if it was ever painful. So I said it was most the time. She said I should see my doctor and have a referral to some clinic. But, surprise surprise, it was probably related to my mental health. Every fucking thing is isn't it!!!!??? I was at the clinic around 40 minutes and it was awful. Really awful. Anyone seen that programme on BBC3 called Unsafe Sex In The City? There is people who have 2-3 one night stands a week unprotected. This is one guy in over 3 years.

Then to top my brilliant day off. As I was reversing out the car park. I reversed straight in to a wall that was protruding that I didn't see. Luckily not caused much damage, and I think it probably won't even be noticed. So don't need to go admitting that one to anyone.

So, now I have all these tears inside me that have built up. I don't want to start crying though. I won't stop. I am having a lot of thoughts of self harm tonight, but I am not going to give in.

There are people who have it a whole lot worse than me and they don't act like I do. So why should I?

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