It’s not improving. I’ve had a few shitty days. Well it’s been a couple of shitty weeks. I can’t seem to shift this low mood. I can feel it spiralling. I have no tolerance for people around me so find it’s best to just stay in my room on my bed all day so I don’t have to talk to anyone. If I talk to people then they will know I am not right and I will end up snapping at them. I snapped at a member of staff today. To be fair she had a bit of attitude but I am struggling and do not want people on top of me all the time. Every time I moved she was on her feet following me and it was getting to me. Then I asked her to close the door to while I was showering so I could have some dignity and she just said “the shower curtain is your dignity and if I was following your care plan you wouldn’t even be getting that”. So, I ended up snapping at her. To be fair she was right, it’s me who just can’t take it at the moment.
This low mood, I can feel it eating away at me from the inside. I’ve not had any leave from the ward in over 2 weeks and I think that this may be some of the reason. Before I swallowed the items I had a decent amount of leave, I could go to OT when I wanted, had grounds leave when I wanted and was able to have locality leave twice a day. So I could get off the ward quite a bit. Also one of my key workers has left and I gelled with him quite well and was able to talk to him quite a bit. I suppose I should try and get that with other people and build up more therapeutic relationships with people. There are only a couple of people who work on the ward who I will talk to and then that’s if they initiate it. I didn’t even really get to talk to the Psychologist today about it as he wanted to work on mindfulness exercises. Which, in all honesty, I find a load of crap. Not for me. Maybe my mind needs to be more on it to learn new skills but I don’t think blowing bubbles and having a smint/chocolate is going to stop me from self-harming. I can see the point of it, the whole thinking and being aware of the present and focussing on the present feelings i.e. the feeling of the smint in your mouth if it tingles etc., but it just wasn’t for me today. I got a chocolate bar out of it though. Thanks Gary.
I’ve been thinking about friends today. There is this one friend; I’ll call her Jane who at one time would have classed as my best friend. I would have classed her as this even though she was crap at keeping in touch and replying to messages. I realised today I had not heard anything of her since October. She doesn’t know anything of the hospital admissions as I hadn’t told her. I was thinking about why I hadn’t told her if I would have classed her as my best friend. And I realised that I didn’t want her to know. So, how can I class her as my best friend? I’ve not seen her since last April and she is never the one to make initial contact. She obviously doesn’t class me as a very good friend. I’ve had my good friends come here to see me as I have felt I can tell them without fear of disappointment or being judged by them. OK, so it’s only 4 friends who I have told, but those are all I need. I used to have a great night out with Jane and when we do see each other we don’t stop laughing, but there is more to friendship than that. So today, I text Jane as realised I hadn’t heard from her since October when the last message was one that I sent saying I needed to see her as I had lots to talk about with her (I was going to tell her about hospital and talk about my parents split with her). So I sent one half expecting not to get a reply as she is useless at replying to messages. But she does reply. We have a text conversation and she tells me she got engaged last week. OK, I’m happy for her, but really upset she didn’t let me know. It’s kind of massive news. Am I pathetic for being upset by it? If it was me I would go out of my way to share my news with people, getting engaged is kind of massive. I think maybe a lot of it is the feeling she has moved on and left me behind.
I suppose in the grand scheme of things that’s pretty small, but I can’t help the way I am feeling about it. My emotions are all over the place and I am getting upset by small things at the moment. It’s all part of being on a downer for me. Little things have a big effect.
I’m seeing the Psychologist again on Thursday and see the doctor on Friday. I am hoping I will be given some leave on Friday. Wish me luck!