Thursday, 9 February 2012

Why I Feel My Life Is One Big Screw Up

I really screwed up. I should have kept my mouth shut about the self-harm as now I have lost everything. Everything. I am being followed and watched constantly and am not allowed to do anything for myself. I have someone watching me at arms length when I am in the bathroom. It’s absolutely mortifying when you are on the loo and there is someone standing at the door watching you. I am not allowed to make my own drinks, I have to be with 2 members of staff when in the clinic room and I am not allowed off the ward. I have ward round tomorrow but I can’t see anything changing. This doctor doesn’t like to make changes.

I have had to lie to my parents about why I can’t go off the ward. I told them the leave had run out and there was no one around to do the new paperwork for it. I have also had my CPN/CCO on the phone having a go at me saying she needed to tell my Mum exactly what I had done and when. I had a bit of a go at her telling her how she was always so negative and I didn’t find her supportive. I didn’t say much about the phone call but ward staff are aware and they are on my side with it. They said they didn’t feel that her making my Mum aware was right as I was an adult and had capacity. So they are going to do what they can. But, I don’t think they will be able to do anything as once Beth’s mind is made up I don’t think there is any changing it.

So, this whole thing is making me depressed again. I am sinking really low. I am not waking up until gone 1pm and I am not doing anything as I don’t want to. TV doesn’t hold my interest and the thought of starting a book or watching a film fill me with dread. I recognise the symptoms and I know what has caused it. It’s my own fault. If I hadn’t have told anyone I swallowed the glass I wouldn’t be in this position that I am in now. If I had kept my mouth shut no one would have known any different and I would be able to shut my bathroom door, I would be able to leave the ward; I would be able to do activities that I want to do such as baking. I would have been happier. And now I am in a position where they are more likely to send me to a low secure unit as of the self-harm. I will lose even more if I go there. I won’t be able to write, I won’t have my phone, I won’t have anything. The deeper I am getting in to this depression the more I can see low secure happening and me not having any future. And then this makes me feel worse. It’s a spiral of negativity and I can’t get out of it. How can I get out of it? I have tried speaking to staff but this does not make much difference. There are only certain members of staff whom I would/could speak to anyway. I am finding it so difficult. I should have held out until I had pain so bad I couldn’t contain it anymore. Not just because I had a couple of twinges. The worst thing is now I want to do it again. I am really struggling to contain the urges.

I saw Gary on Tuesday. The first time since I had told him everything and he just concentrated on the self-harm. We didn’t really talk about the past. I am seeing him tomorrow also and he is off next week. He asked me how I felt about him missing a session and then being off all of next week. I said I wasn’t bothered, but I don’t know how I feel. He was ill he couldn’t help that so I can’t be angry, I can’t really be disappointed, I wasn’t exactly fine about it like I said but I don’t know what I was. It may not seem it to him or to anyone but I do kind of like seeing him. I like talking to him. Yes, I find it really difficult, but, I do like him and for me to trust someone so quickly is quite unusual. But I don’t know what it is.

So now all I know is I am not going anywhere for a long time. The doc is not going to want to move me with the recent serious self-harm, the ward I came from aren’t going to want me back. So I am stuck here with nothing, feeling worse as I have nothing and getting caught up in a spiral. I feel like just giving up as I don’t feel as though I am going to get anywhere. I don’t really know how I am going to cope over the next few weeks.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi gp, Im sorry things arent going well for you at the moment. I believe (and this is just my belief) that we sometimes self harm because we want to show and feel the pain thats going on on the inside by putting it on the outside. I know u probably cant see it at the minute but this episode of swallowing the glass and how the repercussions have made u feel might stop you from doing it again. at least for a while. every second that you dont do anything to yourself is a second closer to getting out a second further away from the last time you did it. The longer it goes the more things will return to how they were getting before. You need to just take one day at a time or even one hour dont think about how long u will be stuck there for just focus on it being that bit closer to getting out. Every time you self harm in there you reset the clock and the count down begins again. i thinking of u and wishing you well xx

one brave duck said...

sorry about those consequences, but i guess they were inevitable in a way. i am glad you can open up to your psychologist. that's a very important step, given how private you are. awesome! i wish i had better advice for you, but i don't. just thinking of you, and glad you didn't hurt yourself with the glass. hope your cpn doesn't rat you out to your mom. also glad you told, as i don't want anything bad happening to you, c.

Golden Psych said...

I've pretty much hit rock bottom again. Now cos I've lost anything I've given up. Why resist the urge now? I did it again and I'm refusing to go to hospital. It's a waste of time. X Ray then tell me if I have pain to go back. My view is wait if there is any pain. If not no problems.

Golden Psych said...

I've pretty much hit rock bottom again. Now cos I've lost anything I've given up. Why resist the urge now? I did it again and I'm refusing to go to hospital. It's a waste of time. X Ray then tell me if I have pain to go back. My view is wait if there is any pain. If not no problems.

one brave duck said...

i hope you can tell your psychologist about this, he can give you some coping strategies. you will get better again, i am certain. hang in there, c.