My mouth is cracked and sore from purging so much. I feel shit because I don't know why I feel low. I purge more because I feel low.
I saw G earlier. He said I look and angry. I wasn't before the appointment. But I was after. Nothing he did or said. But because of what I was thinking about and the stuff that came out, I felt angry after. And why...because I am so fucking sick of this. I am sick of the lows. I am worried that this low will get worse and worse and I will end up in an awful position again. Not just thinking about ending my life, but taking steps to do it. Really self destructive behaviours. The pattern of what has happened in the past, repeating again. G told me not to dread it and to worry about it. Not to think that that is what is going to happen as I am biasing myself for it to happen. But, how do I not do that? I am trying to tell myself that it may not necessarily happen. But, it's quite hard not to. G said I have been low before and it hasn't always spiralled and got worse. He mentioned a time, but I struggle to remember it all.
But as it stands at the moment, I am thinking about taking steps to end it. Thinking of buying drugs offline. Stockpiling medication again. Trawling the Internet for hints and tips. Not exactly healthy behaviour is it?
The self harm urges have lessened. The suicidal urges have increased.
I don't know what the fuck to do.