Tuesday, 21 October 2014

I've Not SH

Not yet anyway. I want to. I am having issues around control at the moment. Making myself sick a lot. I want to cut. I want to blood let. Thoughts of suicide are prominent. The idea of stockpiling medication. Of stopping medication too. I can't see the point in it. I don't think it's working as it should be.

Today was the first day I have had in weeks where I could sit and do nothing and not feel bad about doing it. I have been working like mad on this course and on the assignment I am doing. I need more time for me. But, I don't have it. I don't think I can cope with the pressures of the course. I am not sure going back to college was the best thing for me to do. And, because I have these feelings I feel as though I am failing. I have tried to do something to try and get better and it's making me worse. I can't cope with it and it's making me feel like this. But, I can't not do it. To everyone on the outside they think I am doing well. They think I am ok. They don't know I have been stockpiling medication again. And I am just biding my time. I am making plans in case I need to fall back on them.

Then, I feel like I am defective. I haven't told anyone at college about my MH problems. I haven't really told them much about me at all. I don't want them knowing or seeing that weak side. I lost a lot of friends when I had to leave uni because of ending up in hospital. I suppose they weren't really friends to start with when no one contacted me. There were rumours going around about me, no one contacted me to see if I was ok. So, they obviously weren't friends were they?

I know I shouldn't, but I see my MH as a defective weak thing. I see myself as weak and abnormal. I don't want people knowing that.

Right now I am writing this to stop myself going and sticking my fingers down my throat and taking a needle to a vein. I feel like I need that release. I have already purged twice today. But, I don't feel relieved. I need to feel empty.

I have been feeling so low this last week or so. I feel deflated. Then I get in to the b/p spiral as I want to eat to comfort myself, so then I feel bad and need to get rid of it. Then because that only helps a little, I then want to do something that does help. Currently it is blood letting. I think that may help me feel better.

I am sick of these lows. They are consuming. I fear them. I fear them because when they arrive it takes over every waking second. The thoughts of ending my life get more frequent, dark thoughts consume me. And ok, they don't go on forever, but they come back again. And again. And again! It's a never ending circle.

1 comment:

catherine said...

i was wondering if there's a disability services centre at your college. there is at mine, and they really helped me cope with the stresses of college life without turning (too much) to self-harm. they also make arrangements with my profs for extra time on assignments when needed (the profs don't get to know why, just that i'm registered adn they have to accomodate). hit me up on FB if you want to chat about this. hang in there. onebraveduck.