I don't want to grow old. I don't want to die a slow painful death from a drawn out illness that I have no control over (such as cancer etc). I don't see a future. I don't want to lose people close to me, watching them go one by one. I don't want to watch all that and think my own death is getting closer and closer, it being something I fear. I want to have that control. I don't want to live my life with the regular low periods where sometimes they don't hang around long, but most of the time they are totally disabling. I can't ever see me being able to live a normal life. A life where self harm is not the first thing I turn to when things are tough. I don't ever see me being rid of this whole thing.
I don't see a point. Why should I have to suffer like this? What is the point in it? Was I really bad in a past life and I have been reincarnated in to this hell. Is this hell?