Tuesday, 23 September 2014


I am really struggling with this new life style. I am struggling to cope. I am not sure if I made the right decision. I am not sure if I can carry on coping. The work load is about twice as much as I expected. My life is consumed by what I am doing. I have no time for me. And the thing is, I can't give up anything. I don't want to stop going to spin classes and the gym because I really enjoy it. I need to continue to do it. I need to lose more weight, I need to have confidence. The exercise gives my mood a boost, so I need to make sure I make time for it. Also, I can't lose weight without exercising. And I need to do 60minutes high intensity cardio at least three times a week. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have been hovering around the same weight for the last few months. I can't seem to get any lower. I am watching what I eat, but the weight is not coming off. I am wondering if it is something to do with the PCOS. But that is something that is getting me low at the moment. So, in terms of everything I need to keep it up.

I need to see my friends (well friend, but that is a whole other blog in itself). I need to have my social activities etc. I suppose that doesn't need explaining as to why it's important.

Then, I have a group that I go to. I learn a lot from it and I can make connections. That is also important in terms of my career.

I feel I am consumed by college, and we're only 3 weeks in. I have been told the work load will increase. I am not sure if I am going to be able to manage it. I can't really now.

And, college is annoying me. I am learning a lot. But, each night before I  am due to go in I feel a sense of dread. I don't want to go. I just want to spend the day in bed instead. That's not a good sign is it.

A lot of the people on the course, I feel don't really want to be there. They have chosen it as the easy option because they have to be in education until they are 18. Or they are under 20, so can get access to a college course and do it and still get their benefits. They are disruptive, they turn up late, they just don't give a damn. And when you are trying so hard to keep a focus on something because I struggle with concentration anyway, and I am trying so hard just to keep a focus and you have people deliberately disruptive, being a class clown trying to get attention, it is so annoying. One girl today just kept shouting out, then breaking in to song for the sake of it, and I could hear her talking to another girl saying shall I shout that out about something stupid, a word or something that made her laugh.

Although, to be fair, I wonder if this girl has some kind of behavioural issues. She's 25 and acting like that. It's not a normal behaviour. My other theory is that she is trying to mask that she doesn't really know what she's doing and she's drawing attention to her behaviour rather than admit she needs more help. But, then wouldn't you once you had reached a certain level of maturity admit that you are struggling. There's no shame in asking for help.

There are a couple of nice people. But, I just find myself getting so annoyed by people. There's one lad who is lovely. So polite, speaks properly, acts like a gentleman etc etc etc. But, because he is like this people take the piss out of him. Why do people do that, why take the piss out of his nice character. People are so horrible at times.

So for me at the moment, my thoughts of suicide are in massive over drive. The self harm thoughts are pretty constant. But, I keep telling myself, I am going to a spa day in 4 weeks. If I cut (which is the massive urge) I will feel even more self conscious than I am already going to do. I need to hold out until after this day. Then I can cut. G said just tell myself it's just a thought. But, when I start to experience huge anxiety from it and I am laying in bed at night picturing doing it and not being able to sleep because of it. Then it is more than a thought.

I am so tired. I can't keep fighting these urges. It needs to be cutting that I do as that is the one that releases most. I need to release that tension. I need to be able to talk about being stressed without not wanting to burst in to tears. And because I am worried I will start crying if I talk to anyone about it, I can't talk to anyone. So, it's why I've not spoken to a tutor about how I feel.

No comments: