Monday, 19 May 2014

Falling Over The Hurdles.

I seem to have crashed. Since getting back from Scotland. I have just dropped. Not sure why. I am going to the US on Friday and I should be excited, I should be happy. But I have this sense of anxiety over it. It hasn't helped that there has been a slight argument between myself and one of the girls and I am upset and angry by it. But, I was feeling bad before that. But that hasn't helped things at all.

I saw G today and he picked up on it. I said I didn't understand why I had crashed like I had and why I was being so pessimistic about this trip.

I was feeling a bit pessimistic about going to Scotland and I was worried about that. I think that took over and now I am back from that, I am now focusing on this. The trip was all very spontaneous. I wanted to go as I didn't want to miss out. But, saying that. I am not sure if these are the people I want to go with. I love my friends I really do. But we like different things. They like touristy, gimmicky shit, and I suppose where we are going is just this. But, they want to pay extortionate money for this trip, that I wasn't happy with. So that caused a big argument. They want to go to clubs every night paying around $50 to get in. I don't like clubs, so I am not willing to do that. But, I have said for them to book their tickets as I would rather go out for a bit and then go back earlier so I can be up earlier the next day to make the most of the sunshine and the pool. Not spend all day in bed, feeling sorry for myself with a hangover and then force it up on my self the next night. For me a holiday isn't about no sleep, and pushing my body to the limit in terms of alcohol etc. I know if I do that I really will crash when I get home. I know I'll have the jet lag to contend with, so I don't really want to be dealing with that as well. I can't tell them that as I will then get accused of not living for the moment, thinking the worst is going to happen etc etc etc.

I keep thinking that with the money I have spent on this so far and the money I have saved I could have gone to Australia for a couple of weeks and seen my friend out there. I keep wishing I had done that. It's awful isn't it. I have had doubts about this trip from the beginning. I wish I had thought it through properly. But, I said yes when I was asked and handed over £700 the next day. I didn't think about it. I didn't remember how last time I went away with them about 8 years ago I cried when I got home as I hated being away that much. All I thought was I am going to miss out.

Maybe it will be amazing. Maybe I will be ok. But, I know what I am like. I need space. I need time out. I went away with a couple of them for 3 nights in February. It was a relaxing weekend. But, I found come the 3rd night I needed away from them. I needed space. I can't live in another persons pocket. I need me time. Another reason why I don't want to go out at night and go clubbing is so I can come back earlier have some time on my own and then in the morning have some time on my own by the pool.

Anyway. G's theory was that I don't see every problem as a big picture. I see the one that is nearest to me, tackle that and then move on to the next one. I did agree as I have not let myself be worried about this trip as I was worried about Scotland. I have taken one thing at a time.

I feel like I am falling over at hurdles, while trying to carry my half empty glass.

I nearly self harmed last night. I didn't though. I got out what I needed. Then thought I will just have a cigarette first. I chain smoked 4 and then by the time I had done that the urge had passed so I didn't. I told G this and he had a big smile on his face. I am glad he thought I had done well. But sometimes it can feel a bit patronising. I don't see it as a big deal and he does. I think, so what, I didn't SH, I actually nearly dealt with the situation in a normal person way, but I am not normal person as a normal person wouldn't have the whole urge to SH. So, I didn't SH, but I still had that thought and that makes me defective.

That's how I feel about me. I just want to make my point on that clear. Not, how I feel about people who SH in general.

I also think along the lines of, well so what, I didn't do it now, but there will come a time again in the future when I will. I can't say I will never SH again. I am not even sure if I want to not SH again. It is like a drug. I need it. Even thinking about it now and how it makes me feel when I do it is making me want to do it. And because of that I start crying. Great.

My brother said something earlier which was kind of nice. I said how I was worried that my wanting to be careful with the money I spend over there was annoying the girls as one of them got the impression that I thought how I spent my money was more important than how they spend theirs. I said I worried I would be getting stick behind my back about my money as it is money that I have saved from the benefits I have got. So, not really my money. That they have worked for their money and worked hard. He told me not to think like that as what I have been through is far worse than any job, what I am living with day in day out, makes it my money. Makes it money I have earned. And so basically, if I feel they are making a dig at me, I should remind myself how I was so ill I was practically in prison for a year. That, I was so ill, I nearly died.

I try not to talk to anyone about the money I get as I know it causes bad feeling. I am basically seen as benefit scrounging scum. They don't understand me at all. They don't have an idea what it's like to be debilitated by your mood. To want to end your life as you don't want to live like it any more. If I try and explain, they say things like well, we all get sad sometimes, have you tried this this and this as though I am dealing with it in the wrong way. That I let it affect me too much. It's not always external things that cause it. So, it is not me being over sensitive.

I've got to stop writing now. I am just making myself more and more upset.

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