I’ve not blogged in nearly a month. I haven’t really felt like it really. I suppose I am only doing so now because I feel I ought to because it has been so long.
So since last time Uni have been back in contact. They have said while I am in hospital they won’t be making any decisions as they can’t assess my fitness to practice on the course while I am in hospital. Fair enough really. But, this is not good enough for the doctor. After a few emails back and forth between a nurse here and uni I have given up and told the doctor if she wants more info etc. then she should do it herself. So she is doing that. She is on annual leave for a couple of weeks so I don’t know what will be said.
The complaint about Fingers has also been resolved. While they have basically said it’s my word against his on a number of the items a few of the complaints about how the unit is run and about his attitude and demeanour have been noted and I have been told that the way the unit is ran will be changed, staff are going to be mixed around with other wards and all staff will have to be retrained. They are also making sure that only named nurses can change care plans and that rationale for changing care plans must be given. They also said he was out of order taking the blanket from me as I was in a room with faulty heating and that should have been taken in to account.
On to me. On the last post I was talking about feeling really fragile. Well, I still feel the same. I did self-harm. Today. I ended up cutting. I’ve not told anyone as I don’t want to be put back. Last week they took me off high obs which I had been on for 3 months. Also, I have a decent amount of leave and everyone thinks I am doing really well and am on a home run. I’m not, but I am going to let them think that. The cuts need attention, probably suturing/stitching at the least dressing and streri-strips but I can’t say anything. I will just have to make sure I keep them clean, and don’t let anyone see.
I’ve sunk back in to a low mood and my sleeping pattern sucks. For some reason they thought it was a good idea to reduce the Zopiclone from 7.5 to 3.75mg. And, I’ve really noticed it. I can’t get to sleep at night and then I wake up every hour or so. The next day I can’t get out of bed as I have had such little sleep that I stay in bed all day sleeping on and off until about 4pm. They have also reduced the Quetiapine which I have asked them to do as I want to come off it. I am on a stupid amount of drugs and I hate it. I don’t want to be on any at all but I think the Sodium Valporate has worked so I don’t mind as much sticking with that. But with this PCOS it means I am still on 3 different types of pill which has to be taken 3 times a day. I don’t think the reduction of the Quetiapine would cause low mood, but it’s awful. I don’t want to talk to anyone and people try and make conversation with me and I just wanna say “piss off and leave me alone”. I snapped at someone this morning who was trying to tell me I could go out if I wanted for a walk and I just snapped at him telling him I didn’t want to. Felt quite sorry for him really. I wish I understood why I get low moods/depressions from nowhere.
Maybe it’s because I am fed up of being in hospital. But then on the other hand I am terrified of going home. Looks as though my Mum is moving back in with my Dad and so I will be going back to live with the both of them. I really don’t want to. I don’t like the house. It sounds stupid but it has a bad feeling for me and I have never really felt at home there. I need a fresh start. If I wasn’t planning on going back to uni then I would be able to get my own little modern flat somewhere but I can’t at the moment as of being able to get through this final year. I keep telling myself it’s only for a year so just deal with it, but it's filling me with dread!