Thursday, 19 April 2012

I Did A Runner.

I did a runner. Didn’t go far and I wasn’t away for long. I self-harmed by cutting and had to go to the hospital. It was after getting stitched up that I made my run for it. The person I was with was faster than me but I was stronger so when she grabbed on to me I was able to get her off me. I feel quite bad about it all now as I nearly got hit by a bus and she was next to me. It wasn’t my intention to put someone else in danger. I did get away from her though. I think she was told to stop following me as she was on the phone to the ward. I don’t know what I was thinking as I only had £8 on me so it wasn’t as though I would have got anywhere. I went in to the uni next to the hospital and self-harmed again quite badly. And then I didn’t know what to do. So I phoned the ward. He told me I needed to go back to the ED and then while I was walking back the police picked me up. He had reported me as a missing person and there were 2 police cars out looking for me. They stopped asked me my name and told me I needed to go back to the ED. I said I would walk back there, one of them gave me a light and they walked back with me. 3 females walked back with me and the 2 cars followed.

Now it’s not good here. I have someone near enough sitting on top of me all the time and if I turn my back to them they move to the other side of my bed so they can see me. They won’t let me put my arms under the covers, which I have to ignore as I get cold and they said they need to see my face at all times. I’ve not had them wake me up to tell me to move the covers so I think they must relax it a little while I am asleep. I can understand where they are coming from being as though it was in bed I self-harmed, under the covers and I secreted the blades in my mouth before cutting with them and then swallowing them. But, I don’t have any blades left now. And, even if I did I wouldn’t have the opportunity to self-harm with them as they are so on top of me.

One of the care workers has now got a right attitude with me. She is being so off with me. It wasn’t even her I ran off from. She is probably pissed off as it was her on my obs when I cut and that she didn’t notice. But, there is no need for her to have such an attitude with me. She is short and curt and it’s little things like she won’t let me light my own cigarette like she did before. It’s like she wants to hold any power she can over me. She made me cry last night with how short she was being, I didn’t let her see though.

I’m not one for crying in public and letting people see me cry. I had to stop myself today from starting when I mentioned to another care worker how much I wanted to be at home and how I had had enough in this place. I just can’t see me ever getting out of here. I know what I did will probably put me even further back and they may even consider low secure again now I have done what I did. That will put an end back to going to uni. I am worried about getting out of here but I can’t put too much focus on that. I have got used to being in hospital and so I am worried about being out. In hospital some of the responsibility is taken away from me. Only last week I was on 10minute checks most of the day and now I watched like a hawk. I know they are only trying to keep me safe and they have a duty of care to make sure I don’t self-harm again.

I’ve not seen the psychologist in nearly 4 weeks now. I suppose it’s that long since I talked to anyone properly about how I have been feeling about everything. Maybe that is why I am having the thoughts and feelings that I am having at the moment. I don’t know if at the moment I could even be open with him about things. I feel so unsettled all the time and sleep is just not happening for me. It’s awful. I need sleep but I keep waking up in the night so frequently and them am awake for ages. I am also having loads of problems weeing. I need to go but just can’t. I asked to see someone about it on Tuesday as had been having problems since the weekend and all I was told was that I had seen the doctor Monday (when she came into my room, woke me up and talked at me. I wasn’t in any fit state to make any sense of what was going on, all I remember was she told me I wouldn’t lose my leave) and then on Tuesday after I found out she had cancelled my leave and I quickly went in to ask why while my Mum was waiting and to have a bit of a go at her as she said she wouldn’t do exactly what she did. So it really pissed me off as obviously there is only so many times they can see you or an allocated number of minutes they can spend with each patient each week. I do underatnd they can’t see you every day but when it is something like that that is really bothering me and to be told I have to wait until ward round on Friday, 3 days away pissed me off even more. If I was at home I would be booking a same day appointment to see my GP.

It’s probably just the codeine I had been taking for my back, but it would have been nice to see someone for a couple of minutes so they could either agree or disagree with me.

I know I have made things worse for myself. But, in a way I don’t regret it. If I’d had more money on me I would have probably got a taxi to Tesco brought a load a painkillers and a couple of bottles of wine and just done that, but with £8 I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s bed time for me now anyway. I am exhausted and even if I don’t sleep at least I will be comfortable and warm listening to decent music.

Night all.


Anonymous said...

Wow, are you okay with using all of those resources for gestures such as this? It seems like you have quite a bit of energy, why not use it towards bettering yourself and leave those medical resources for someone who really wants to live.

Liz said...

@Anonymous 23 April 2012 16:05

What a stupid thing to say. She's sectioned (detained) under the Mental Health Act. i.e. has NO choice. Someone who really wants to live wouldn't be kept in a psychiatric ward, now would they, since they are not at harm to themselves or others?

Please go troll somewhere else. Your input isn't helpful for GP (blog owner) nor anyone else for that matter, I suspect you have little clue about the mental health field either, let alone GPs problems.

Anonymous said...

Whilst I dont agree with Anonymous in full, I can tell you now you shouldnt believe everything you read here. I know because I know GP and I know these wards and things just dont add up do they??.

Why someone would want to over elaborate on a blog has always puzzled me. Why go to such levels to run away when you claim you had leave which was cancelled because of it- surely you would just not come back from leave if you wanted to be away. And ~I wasn't aware they gave people leave on PQ either. If you are well enough for leave u wouldnt be there- thats the whole point.

I want you to get better GP, but u need to engage with therapy and fight against these urges which though not intended may accidentally either be fatal or will surely ruin any chance of a future for the sake of what??

Contrary to what Liz says about anon I do know a lot about mental health which is why I feel I can spot the difference between mental and behavioural issues. Thats if we can even unpick the truth from the stories.

In the nicest way- Please move on, accept your flaws(we all have them)and work with them.

Liz said...

I've been on these wards too, once as an involuntary sectioned patient for 20 days (out of 28), I can understand how distressing and overwhelming it can get as well as how the "system" works.. and how it sometimes works against the patient.

"If you are well enough for leave u wouldnt be there- thats the whole point. "

s.17 Leave can be granted to anyone sectioned under s.2 or s.3 of the Mental Health Act if it's authorised by the appropriate staff (I forget if it's a psychiatrist and a social worker or whatnot). Period.

I agree GP should engage with her treatment and she has made some bad decisions, but I find it unnecessary to start making snide anonymous comments and judgements about the bloggers situation. And yes, because this blog is just a public diary, she can write and elaborate as much as she pleases, it can be therepeutic to rant on a blog like this, that doesn't mean she is making up stories. I mean if you don't believe her stories then just why are you even reading her blog?

I, for one, have found it an interesting read over the past few weeks and can relate to some of it.

Golden Psych said...

You obviously don't know me because you know nothing of my situation or the wards that I am on. I do all I can to remain anon and have never named people, area or my own name. No one I know knows I keep a blog so I really don't see how you can claim you know me. If by some minute chance you do know me, you obviously don't know me well or actually know anything about me or the problems I have had.

I'd love to know what you think are stories. Because, you are wrong. I remain anon so I can be honest and open about what happens to me while I have been going through what I have. Also, if you did know me or had even read what I write on here you would know I am working with the psychologist and have made a lot of progress in regards to my treatment.

And it goes for everyone, don't hide behind anonymous comments because you're too scared to say what you feel without being identified. It's pathetic.

Anonymous said...

GP, I hope some of that wasn't aimed at me, I was being supportive, I don't claim to know you (I just know the anons most likely don't know you), just read your blog from a forum we use and found it interesting to follow. In my defence I am only using my nickname because of convenience.

Good luck with your recovery.

~ Liz

me,me, and me said...

By resources I meant police having to track her down instead of doing other things. And no, I don't get the GP system, I live in the US. That said, someone pays for resources used whether monetarily or because the resource are otherwise engaged with manipulative behavior. And really, you are upset that the person whom was on watch when you decided to act out is upset with you? How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Can you imagine that perhaps it was upsetting to her, maybe even traumatizing. She could be worried about professional repercussions. I wouldn't want to speak with you either. And yes, I have been involved in the mental health system as a consumer and a provider. From events you write it comes off as manipulative and attention seeking. Seeking attention such as your behavior seems indicative of behavioral issues and less a true mental illness. Almost an addiction. Addicted to the pain or endorphins released when you cut or the adrenaline rush of the panic and whirlwind of activity the behavior causes. In girl, interrupted, the psychiatrist tells her she has a choice with her disorder to get better or stay sick, essentially, shit or get off the pot. Your choice. This may get flack because it sounds harsh but I think you have been indulged enough for your character flaws, you can sink or drop anchor at a nut house.

Golden Psych said...

No Liz it wasn't aimed at you but at the person who claimed they actually knew me.

As for the other commenter. You're talking about Girl, Interrupted which is just a film and also not even a similar kind of diagnosis.

If you read anything of my blog before commenting you would see that I have talked about the self harm with my psychologist. And yes,there are parts of it which are because there is an addiction to the pain/euphoria. However there is the part which is about release and control. Also, the majority of my self harm is through blood letting and the reason I do this is because it doesn't require attention. So your theory of attention seeking or manipulating behaviours is wrong. To say you say you are a mental health provider you are very narrow minded if you think self harm is about attention. You need educating and should not be allowed to have contact with service users if that's the way you feel about people who self harm.

If it's not your general opinion and just of me you are also wrong as you have made an assumption based on a couple of blog entries. And you don't have the full picture about me.

I write this blog as a way of being honest about my experiences and how I feel about them as I don't have anyone in my life I could share them with. I don't write it for anyone other than myself and because I have not written anything that would locate me or the services I am in. Because of the anonymity I can be honest and open. If you don't like what you read, then don't read it.