I Did A Runner.

I did a runner. Didn’t go far and I wasn’t away for long. I self-harmed by cutting and had to go to the hospital. It was after getting stitched up that I made my run for it. The person I was with was faster than me but I was stronger so when she grabbed on to me I was able to get her off me. I feel quite bad about it all now as I nearly got hit by a bus and she was next to me. It wasn’t my intention to put someone else in danger. I did get away from her though. I think she was told to stop following me as she was on the phone to the ward. I don’t know what I was thinking as I only had £8 on me so it wasn’t as though I would have got anywhere. I went in to the uni next to the hospital and self-harmed again quite badly. And then I didn’t know what to do. So I phoned the ward. He told me I needed to go back to the ED and then while I was walking back the police picked me up. He had reported me as a missing person and there were 2 police cars out looking for me. They stopped asked me my name and told me I needed to go back to the ED. I said I would walk back there, one of them gave me a light and they walked back with me. 3 females walked back with me and the 2 cars followed.

Now it’s not good here. I have someone near enough sitting on top of me all the time and if I turn my back to them they move to the other side of my bed so they can see me. They won’t let me put my arms under the covers, which I have to ignore as I get cold and they said they need to see my face at all times. I’ve not had them wake me up to tell me to move the covers so I think they must relax it a little while I am asleep. I can understand where they are coming from being as though it was in bed I self-harmed, under the covers and I secreted the blades in my mouth before cutting with them and then swallowing them. But, I don’t have any blades left now. And, even if I did I wouldn’t have the opportunity to self-harm with them as they are so on top of me.

One of the care workers has now got a right attitude with me. She is being so off with me. It wasn’t even her I ran off from. She is probably pissed off as it was her on my obs when I cut and that she didn’t notice. But, there is no need for her to have such an attitude with me. She is short and curt and it’s little things like she won’t let me light my own cigarette like she did before. It’s like she wants to hold any power she can over me. She made me cry last night with how short she was being, I didn’t let her see though.

I’m not one for crying in public and letting people see me cry. I had to stop myself today from starting when I mentioned to another care worker how much I wanted to be at home and how I had had enough in this place. I just can’t see me ever getting out of here. I know what I did will probably put me even further back and they may even consider low secure again now I have done what I did. That will put an end back to going to uni. I am worried about getting out of here but I can’t put too much focus on that. I have got used to being in hospital and so I am worried about being out. In hospital some of the responsibility is taken away from me. Only last week I was on 10minute checks most of the day and now I watched like a hawk. I know they are only trying to keep me safe and they have a duty of care to make sure I don’t self-harm again.

I’ve not seen the psychologist in nearly 4 weeks now. I suppose it’s that long since I talked to anyone properly about how I have been feeling about everything. Maybe that is why I am having the thoughts and feelings that I am having at the moment. I don’t know if at the moment I could even be open with him about things. I feel so unsettled all the time and sleep is just not happening for me. It’s awful. I need sleep but I keep waking up in the night so frequently and them am awake for ages. I am also having loads of problems weeing. I need to go but just can’t. I asked to see someone about it on Tuesday as had been having problems since the weekend and all I was told was that I had seen the doctor Monday (when she came into my room, woke me up and talked at me. I wasn’t in any fit state to make any sense of what was going on, all I remember was she told me I wouldn’t lose my leave) and then on Tuesday after I found out she had cancelled my leave and I quickly went in to ask why while my Mum was waiting and to have a bit of a go at her as she said she wouldn’t do exactly what she did. So it really pissed me off as obviously there is only so many times they can see you or an allocated number of minutes they can spend with each patient each week. I do underatnd they can’t see you every day but when it is something like that that is really bothering me and to be told I have to wait until ward round on Friday, 3 days away pissed me off even more. If I was at home I would be booking a same day appointment to see my GP.

It’s probably just the codeine I had been taking for my back, but it would have been nice to see someone for a couple of minutes so they could either agree or disagree with me.

I know I have made things worse for myself. But, in a way I don’t regret it. If I’d had more money on me I would have probably got a taxi to Tesco brought a load a painkillers and a couple of bottles of wine and just done that, but with £8 I wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s bed time for me now anyway. I am exhausted and even if I don’t sleep at least I will be comfortable and warm listening to decent music.

Night all.
Xxx

Running Away

I'm gonna try and make a run for it later. I've got a plan. I can't stand it in here. They lie to me and don't help when I need it. I'm going to cut enough so that I need to go to hospital and tell them I swallowed the blade. Then I'm going to run. Not sure where I'm going or if it will work and with only 8quid in my purse I won't get far. But even if it's just one night and a bottle of wine it will be worth it. I need to get away for a bit!

Update-it's been a while

I’ve not blogged in nearly a month. I haven’t really felt like it really. I suppose I am only doing so now because I feel I ought to because it has been so long.

So since last time Uni have been back in contact. They have said while I am in hospital they won’t be making any decisions as they can’t assess my fitness to practice on the course while I am in hospital. Fair enough really. But, this is not good enough for the doctor. After a few emails back and forth between a nurse here and uni I have given up and told the doctor if she wants more info etc. then she should do it herself. So she is doing that. She is on annual leave for a couple of weeks so I don’t know what will be said.

The complaint about Fingers has also been resolved. While they have basically said it’s my word against his on a number of the items a few of the complaints about how the unit is run and about his attitude and demeanour have been noted and I have been told that the way the unit is ran will be changed, staff are going to be mixed around with other wards and all staff will have to be retrained. They are also making sure that only named nurses can change care plans and that rationale for changing care plans must be given. They also said he was out of order taking the blanket from me as I was in a room with faulty heating and that should have been taken in to account.

On to me. On the last post I was talking about feeling really fragile. Well, I still feel the same. I did self-harm. Today. I ended up cutting. I’ve not told anyone as I don’t want to be put back. Last week they took me off high obs which I had been on for 3 months. Also, I have a decent amount of leave and everyone thinks I am doing really well and am on a home run. I’m not, but I am going to let them think that. The cuts need attention, probably suturing/stitching at the least dressing and streri-strips but I can’t say anything. I will just have to make sure I keep them clean, and don’t let anyone see.

I’ve sunk back in to a low mood and my sleeping pattern sucks. For some reason they thought it was a good idea to reduce the Zopiclone from 7.5 to 3.75mg. And, I’ve really noticed it. I can’t get to sleep at night and then I wake up every hour or so. The next day I can’t get out of bed as I have had such little sleep that I stay in bed all day sleeping on and off until about 4pm. They have also reduced the Quetiapine which I have asked them to do as I want to come off it. I am on a stupid amount of drugs and I hate it. I don’t want to be on any at all but I think the Sodium Valporate has worked so I don’t mind as much sticking with that. But with this PCOS it means I am still on 3 different types of pill which has to be taken 3 times a day. I don’t think the reduction of the Quetiapine would cause low mood, but it’s awful. I don’t want to talk to anyone and people try and make conversation with me and I just wanna say “piss off and leave me alone”. I snapped at someone this morning who was trying to tell me I could go out if I wanted for a walk and I just snapped at him telling him I didn’t want to. Felt quite sorry for him really. I wish I understood why I get low moods/depressions from nowhere.

Maybe it’s because I am fed up of being in hospital. But then on the other hand I am terrified of going home. Looks as though my Mum is moving back in with my Dad and so I will be going back to live with the both of them. I really don’t want to. I don’t like the house. It sounds stupid but it has a bad feeling for me and I have never really felt at home there. I need a fresh start. If I wasn’t planning on going back to uni then I would be able to get my own little modern flat somewhere but I can’t at the moment as of being able to get through this final year. I keep telling myself it’s only for a year so just deal with it, but it's filling me with dread!