Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Tuesday 8th September

I have been moved back from the private hospital I was in to my local hospital that I usually go to. I was a bit apprehensive about coming back and I have been even lower…I didn’t think that that was possible. I have also been really anxious. They have kept me on high obs and I will be until Thursday morning. But, if I am honest, it does help as it means I am unable to do anything to myself, while I think about it all the time I am not having to fight the urges as I am not on my own at all and have no access to anything that I could do anything with.

 I was transferred back in a secure car. It was horrible. I felt like a criminal. I am still under section but the aim is to come off it within the week. I saw the doctor this morning and he was worried that hospital would make things worse for me.
I told him that at the moment I can’t see any consequences to my actions in a rational way. I told him all about how I feel and the stuff that is going round and round in my head. He said he needed to work out a plan with me in regards to a discharge date so that I knew what was happening and it wouldn’t just be sprung on me one day. So the agreement is is discharge in 2 weeks, be on high obs for 2 more nights, and looking at coming off the section towards the end of this week.

I kind of knew that as soon as I came back to my home time that I wouldn’t be here that long. I suppose in a way it is better for me being here as I will be out a lot quicker. Where as if I had stayed at that private place she wanted to keep me a few weeks and there was always the possibility of PICU again. Who knows how long I would be in then.

I suppose I have some rational thought back now. In not being able to act on my urges and need to end my life in the last 4-5days because of being on high obs, it has meant that I have been able to cope better.

I think R may be on to something about me. He messaged me the other day and asked if he could pop round with the ticket I have for London this weekend. I told him I was away and didn’t know when I would be back. He questioned me about college and asked if I didn’t need to be there for that. He seemed pretty unconvinced in the message. It was like he didn’t believe me.

Today I messaged him to see if he had had any luck in getting rid of the ticket. He said he hadn’t asked his mate yet but it didn’t look likely. He said he could always try and get a tout to buy it. I asked how he had been and he said he was ok, but then he had been really busy. He asked how I was and I avoided the question and said he could always try Stubhub for the ticket but I wouldn’t be able to do it as my signal was crap on my phone. So he asked “Where are you”? I think he knows something is up. I just said my WiFi wasn’t working and I was waiting for someone to come out to it and that my signal wasn’t good at home. He just said “I see”. Which is his way of saying that’s a load of crap. So now I am really anxious about it. If he asked me out right I don’t think I could lie. Or if he said he wanted to come round I couldn’t avoid that.

But….there is part of me that hopes he thinks he has made a mistake and wants to see me. I make up these little scenarios in my head that he says he wants to see me as an excuse to try and make things right as he wouldn’t tell me in person. I have thought this through and if he did ask to see me again then I would say unless he has changed his mind on what he thinks about us, that I don’t think it is a good idea for me to see him as I love him and breaking up has been hard on me and I have been quite upset. Then if he said he had been thinking, then I would have to swear him to secrecy and let him know where I am.

But then, I haven’t really thought about the break up that much. My thoughts are all about me. If he did want to get back together how would I react? I think I would have to tell him how I feel about him being an emotional retard and how anxious it makes me feel and he would have to be open with his feelings and take initiative sometimes in being romantic/passionate. I really struggled with him not telling me things first and I thought I was taking control all the time. He was so laid back, I did take control. I made plans for us etc etc etc. He needs to be more proactive and be more of a man.

 I think a lot of what happened was because I was at his quite a bit and I got a bit comfortable and that combined with my mood change etc has not been the best company. I have become unmotivated and didn’t really want to do much.

I suppose in that scenario where we did get back together (which probably won’t ever happen), I would need some kind of unwritten agreement that we spend more quality/romantic time together (that I am not the one to instigate it and make all the plans), that he can show and tell me how he feels about me without me being the one to say “I love you first”. I will have to tell him just how anxious it makes me that I am the one who is the one who makes the first move.

But anyway…that probably won’t ever happen. So, I am going to have to get used to being without him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. Long term, I don’t think I could be with anyone who was so laid back and didn’t have the emotional side. I can’t expect him to change so I suppose, maybe it is for the best.

Maybe, after 7 months together, it is better to break now than in a year or so time. It would hurt a lot more the longer we spend together wouldn’t it. So, maybe, and I will try and convince myself that it is for the best. I love him still, and it would be easier if on paper we weren’t a near perfect match and that if he was a dick. But, he’s not a dick and we are technically suited to each other.
Feel a bit better now I have that off my chest. I have been in a bit of an anxious state since we were messaging each other. I went and put my phone on charge in a locked room so I couldn’t keep looking at it.
I don’t want him knowing I am in hospital. One because I am embarrassed about it. I don’t like people knowing, I don’t want his friends and family to know. I don’t want them to think I am so unstable that an end of a relationship makes me this ill (obviously it has contributed, but it isn’t about him, it’s other things that have been going on for a long time since I stopped taking my meds), I also don’t want him thinking that it is his fault. That he has caused this. Because he hasn’t. It’s me.

 If I ended a relationship with someone and only days later they were in a psych hospital I would feel awful and blame myself. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t have any ill feelings towards him at all. Yes I am upset that I am hurt. But, if he wasn’t feeling it anymore then he wasn’t feeling it. It’s upsetting and I do blame myself. I mainly blame coming off meds and being too bossy. I should have let him take more control over what we did. I will just have to make sure I learn from my mistakes.

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