I am struggling a bit, sitting here being stared at by a woman who is my shadow until the doctor says otherwise.
I think I last blogged in December time. That's quite a lot of time really. I noticed logging on that there aren't many people whom I was chatty with before still blogging. I guess other people moved on too.
There was one girl...I don't know her name she referred to herself as A. She lived in Israel I think, but was born in the UK I think. I can't seem to find her blog. Does anyone know who I am on about, I would like to know how she is doing.
Anyhoo, I have just finished my first year at college on my Photography course. And.... I got the double grade distinction*. I am quite proud of myself. I actually did ok at something. Well, better than ok....I came top of the class. I have never done that before, I got distinctions in every module...even the shit ones. I think a lot of it though is being able to waffle about shit, and rip my own work to pieces and in evaluating it I get the good marks. Being concise was never a strong point of mine. Although, I am not sure the tutors like it that much when I hand in a book twice the size of everyone Else's as it takes them so long to mark.
Obviously, going back is being questioned now. I haven't told college or anyone at college any of my problems. I am due back a week on Thursday. And being as though I am sitting here 170miles away with a shadow, I am not hopeful that I will be well enough to go back next week. If it were a normal module we were doing straight away I could work from home/hospital and do all the research etc and even take shots. But the first module is dark room work. Obviously I don't have one of those. I am wondering if I can miss the first term back and I'll get a grade based on what I am expected to get. If it gets to next week and I am still in...I am going to have to contact my course leader and ask/explain. I really don't want to do that. Not again. Flashbacks to 2011 there and wanting to finish my MA Social Work. So, that is worrying me a little.
Things with my parents are still the same. They both drink, then my mother gets violent and argumentative. My eldest brother has moved in for the last few months while he saves for a deposit on a new house. So he has witnessed it to, and it's getting him down. It's all pretty fucked up really.
I hadn't cut since about a year ago until today. I hadn't swallowed anything in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't tied up in about a year until yesterday. I hadn't OD'd in about a year until Thursday. However, I have been making myself sick...a lot. If I am alone it would be pretty much every day. I only didn't do it when I had R staying or I was at his. But as soon as I was alone...it would be pretty much every meal. Or having binges and getting rid of it. I don't really know what it is. I am not sure if it's self harm, or something else. I like to feel I have some control over something. So, it was what I was doing. At the moment I am restricting. I haven't eaten anything since Monday morning, it's now Saturday evening. I enjoy having the control over it. It is the only thing I feel I have some control over. When I ran away up north I only had a small breakfast each morning just so I could climb the hills in the day. It's been about 2 weeks since I had a normal meal and not thrown up after or skipped. I don't get that either. I am happy that I am losing weight. I like to feel thinner, but it's the control thing. No one has addressed it with me so I am not saying anything.
I put quite a bit of weight on since January when I met R. I kind of settled in to going round to his instead of the gym and cosying up on the sofa with a bottle of wine (my weight gain is another reason why I think he ended it, that he didn't find me attractive anymore etc etc). I put on about a 21lb since I met him. That's from drinking wine 3-4 nights a week. I can't do that. He wasn't the healthiest eater either...yet he was skinny. I also gave up smoking for a while. I used champix, and it really worked. The only side effect I had was a feeling sick for some time after the dose. But, if I made sure I ate a good breakfast I didn't really get that. I managed to stop for around 6 weeks. But...I started again because R smoked and it was too easy to nip out for at first a quick drag of his, then nicking one his then buying my own rolling stuff,
If, I get my head sorted, it will be something I go back to. I will use the Champix again... it is a wonder drug. I didn't think it would be given to me as of the pysch history.But, I think because I am more aware of my moods they were happy for me to give it ago. I hate being reliant on smoking. It stinks and with smoking rollies my fingers have yellowed. It's disgusting. I really do want to be a non smoker.
I am trying to think of what else I have to say that has happened in the last few months that I haven't covered. I am trying to waste time waffling on so I don't have to think my own thoughts too much.
I have time on my hands over the next few days so I will probably be posting random crap.