Title says it all really.
After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.
I feel so alone. I feel awful.
My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.
And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.
And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.
That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.