It’s been just over a week since I wrote. I have a lot to say but feel as though I have to be careful as I may be silenced. More on that in a bit. And no, it’s not me being paranoid, there is method behind the madness (quite apt really).
My Nanna died. Last Sunday. I cried a little. Sounds awful but I am not massively upset about it. I am more upset over my lack of emotions than by the actual emotions themselves. I spoke to the psychologist about it and he said he thought perhaps I had grieved when she had stopped knowing who people were. I said I doubted it but listened to him anyway. The funeral is this Wednesday and I am nervous about that. I don’t know if the emotions will start flowing then. I am worried if that’s the case then I am going to struggle to get by with the grief as well as the other emotions I feel. I have a psychology appointment the day before and the day after the funeral so at least I have someone to talk to about it. As weird as it sounds I am also kind of looking forward to it. The reason being is I will get to spend some time at home around my own things and see my dog. The downside is that the leave is escorted by a member of staff. So that’s going to be awkward around my family. I am nervous about seeing my family. I last saw them in October after I had been discharged the first time. Now I am back in. I’ve said it before but being in hospital is something that embarrasses me so it’s going to be quite tough at the funeral. I think it will only be family at the funeral so it’s not like I have to deal with all friends and family. But, still, I am embarrassed by it all.
I’ve been given leave back. Yay. At first it just started with OT and family room but today I was given grounds leave. OK the hospital grounds basically consist of a car park but it means I can get off the ward when I want to which is good. And after the way things have been on the ward it’s really important to me that I can do that.
The ward I am on only has 2 female beds. These are cut off from the rest of the ward by a coded door. Usually it’s ok as it’s a nice retreat from all the noise but the past week or so it’s not been. The other female has been a nightmare. I remember her from when I worked on the wards and worked with her a few times. She doesn’t remember me but I certainly remember her. This past week or so she has been in a bit of a mess and she has been shouting and screaming abuse at anyone and everyone. I have not even had any communication with her at all in the past week or so yet at times I still manage to be on the receiving end of this abuse. How she knows I have a lap top and a blog is beyond me but she shouts things out at me about that. I think it’s the reason why the staff wanted to look at my blog to ensure I wasn’t writing about other patients and that it was anonymous. She has also made threats to come in to my room and smash up my lap top so I have been having to have the door locked when I leave. I know they shouldn’t but other staff have been telling me their thoughts and feelings about what has been going on and it’s not positive. From what I have seen she has been making demands about who is on her obs and who isn’t. It’s not for her to decide. Because of this there has been days where I have not had a female on my obs all day and night, which in turn means I don’t really have anyone to talk to as the blokes on the ward aren’t exactly easy to make conversation with. This has made me feel quite lonely, and also quite pissed off. It seems because I am quiet and don’t make demands I am not being noticed and I think they just think I am coping ok as I have not said anything, made demands or acted out. It has also meant that I have been stuck with the same member of staff for hours on end which is not good for me or them.
I feel bad for writing about it as she is obviously paranoid I am writing about her. But, it is anonymous so no one would have a clue who I was writing about, no one knows where in the country I am so no one could tell which hospital etc. I am at. I feel I need to get it off my chest though as it is something that has been bothering me quite a lot in the past week or so. It’s not something I can talk to staff about either as I don’t want them to think I am just wanting attention also. Or a bit pathetic. So because of this I have felt quite funny about writing on my blog for not wanting to upset her further when I haven’t even done anything in the first place. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
I have still not heard anything from uni. I saw the doctor on Friday and she said she wanted to deal with uni before they thought about transferring me to another ward because she felt if it wasn’t good news then I would still need to be on PICU. She also said I wouldn’t be going to another ward until a case conference was held again because of how I have been unable to cope on acute wards before. It does worry me that I won’t be able to cope on the acute side. It’s different over there. It’s more stressful, it’s noisy, and it’s not what I can cope with. OK, last time I was there I was suicidal so maybe it would be different now, maybe I could cope. I also saw Beth the CPN last week. Again, I felt like shit after she’d been and felt like bawling my eyes out. I really don’t find her that helpful. Actually, I don’t find her helpful at all. She kept going on about how ill I was now. I’m not. I can see that I was, but I am not now. Am I? I honestly don’t think I am. I don’t feel suicidal. Yes, I have thoughts on it, but not regularly, not planning and not as though I want to do it. The self-harm urges are dealt with and not acted on. I am not sure how much of it is because I can’t as of the level of obs I am on or because I am ok at dealing with them. But if I am truthful there hasn’t been that many. Even with all of what’s going through my head at the moment with waiting to hear from uni, family stuff (including my parents, I don’t know what’s going on in their weird relationship) and just generally being stuck in here for an extended period of time. I feel I am holding it together quite well.
The doctor said before I go home they want to know what the triggers are and learn how to cope with them. So tomorrow in psychology I am going to tell him this. Get straight to the point and say this is what I want to talk about. I don’t really know what the triggers are. I think it may be related to stress. But I am not certain. It’s something to talk about in psychology anyway.
That’s all for now.