The Story

This will probably not make much sense or not flow properly as I don't have the concentration and I am in pain and also knackered from the pain killers...

So Friday night...

I was on a mission. Actually I wasn't but the girls are saying I was. I went round to one of the girls houses for a BBQ. I took two bottles of wine with me and drank them both in about 4 hours. I wasn't feeling that pissed at all really. After I finished the wine I decided I wanted more. The girls were laughing at me as they said they couldn't believe I had had 2 bottles of wine as I didn't seem that pissed.  So I decided to walk to the shop. I remember walking to the shop really clearly and I wasn't that pissed. I took the wine back to my friends and that's when it starts to go a bit hazy. I remember in my drunken state I was telling then about my mentally interestingness. I finished the 3rd bottle of wine.

At some point they decided to go in to town. I said I wanted to go. I can't remember much from this point it was really hazy. What I remember is having a drink in Revolution. Leaving there and falling over and then the pain! What happened was. My friend swapped my drink that I brought for a coke and I couldn't tell. I then locked myself in the toilet. I then locked myself and 2 friends in the toilet and wouldn't let them leave. After they negotiated with me to leave and I agreed the bouncers dragged me out through the bar and dumped me in the street. My friends were trying to calm me down as I was angry and wouldn't let anyone near me. I then ran off from them. It was through running off I fell over. I remember the pain. I have a vague recollection of a Street Angel person. My friends called an ambulance as I couldn't get up at all as it was that painful. It did sober me up a bit. I don't remember much of the ambulance journey other than pain.

In A+E they gave me some painkillers. 5 minutes later I threw them up. Dihydrocodeine does not agree with me. It always makes me sick. I wasn't aware they had given it to me until after when I was throwing up, nice.
They sent me for x-ray which made me scream out in pain. They had to manipulate my foot so they could get the right angles for the x-ray. Ow ow ow! I was then seen by an orthopaedic doctor. He informed me that it was broken and that I needed to be kept in. I said can't you just cast it and let me go. He laughed at me and said you can't put any weight at all on it, you can't stand it being touched, in a word no! He said he was referring me to the surgeons as they would need to review it and I would possibly need to have surgery.

Then Bitch Nurse came in. She wasn't even my nurse or working in my area. She was just being nosy. She came in asked what I had taken. She had the most sour look on her face. She hardly gave me chance to get my reply out before making another snidy comment. I just said I had fallen over while wearing heels and I had broken my foot. Then she said I bet you were pissed. Her attitude just stank. I really don't like her. I have made that pretty obvious before though haven't I?

Anyway. By now I was sober. The pain and being sick kinda helped that along. I was taken up to the ward. I was dreading it. I was just glad I wasn't put on one of the admission wards where the staff know me. I was pleasantly surprised (as pleasantly as you can be when it comes to hospitals) at how quiet the ward was. Yay. No coffin dodgers for me. By now I had asked for more pain relief as the codeine had made me sick and I hadn't had anything else. So they gave me morphine. 20mg. That didn't really work all that well either so an hour later they gave me 20mg more and that did work. I didn't really get any sleep though. The surgeon came to see me at about 7.30am and he said I didn't need surgery. Yay! So I was expecting to be let out. Nope. The physiotherapists came to see me and made me have a go on crutches. I could not use them. I couldn't get more than 2 steps. So they said I was unsafe on them and they wouldn't be letting me go. So night 2 in hospital. Also that day I was still feeling really sick. I ended up being sick a couple of times. The second time there was loads of blood in it. It worried me. I wasn't going to tell them I swallowed a needle a few weeks before either. They rushed around me a bit panicking, took my obs and beeped the doctor to come see me. She didn't seem all that worried. Just said it was probably from retching that had caused a small tear.

On the 3rd day the physios came to see me again. This time they made me use the zimmer frame and took the crutches away. I didn't feel all that safe on those. They also made me attempt going upstairs on crutches. It was terrifying. I think a lot of it was fear but I could just not hop up the stairs while using a crutch as support and while holding on to a banister. So on to my bum. I managed to get up the stairs ok but when I got to the top I couldn't get up. Because of the needle in my arm the angle my arm needed to be at to push myself up I couldn't do it. So...not going home again.

That night I fell over. It was so embarrassing. I was coming back from the loo on the zimmer frame and I went a bit weird on it and ended up crashing to the ground. No one saw me as I was around a corner. I didn't have a bell near me and it was quite late at night. So I had to shout out. All of a sudden there were about 6 nurses surrounding me asking me loads of questions. I just said I had stumbled and it was no big deal but I couldn't get up. Not being of the petite variety I didn't want people lifting me. I had cut my knee open where I had landed on it (it was from where fell off motorbike last year and I always seem to manage to get that and cut open when I fall). So I couldn't get on to my good knee on the hospital floor. In the end they passed it up for me, got me some towels and I managed to push up on the frame using my good leg and my arms. I nearly broke my other ankle in the process as it bent with the top of my foot being on the floor and me putting weight through it. Ow! Lol. Wheelchair back to bed loads of obs taken and more morphine.

Monday morning...more physio. They kept trying for me to put weight through my foot but there was no way I could do it. They kept telling me I needed to get my foot to the floor so the blood can flow it will heal. There is just no way I could manage it. I did manage to get up when I got to the top of the stairs. I figued out that if I turned round on to my knee I could pull my self forwards, so yay...stairs managed. The doctors came to see me and said my leg needed to be put in a cast and not in a splint. For the type of fracture it is you can usually get away with a splint that can be removed, good for showered. But it didn't really give me enough support. I had been asking for a cast all along as the first night I was in, although it hurt it was more supported and I felt more confident with it. However, they said I should not be wearing a cast as of the way the injury will heal any my foot could end up with no mobility if that was the case. But, the sister on the ward noticed my foot was in a weird position. It was pointing down like in a ballerina pose. I couldn't hold it back at all. It was far too painful. So then they said that if my foot dropped like that then I would really struggle to walk once healed as I wouldn't be able to put my foot to the floor. My achillies would have also shortened and it would be like I have always worn heels and never wore flats. If that makes sense. So they said the risks of it healing in an odd position were not as high as it not being in a cast and it heeling in ballerina position. So cast it was.

Cue, a hell of a lot of pain. Someone had to manipulate my foot into position and hold it there while the other put it in a cast.

On Tuesday (the 4th day) I was allowed to go home. I was given the option. I was told I could stay if I wanted but also if I could arrange transport home I could go. I asked if I would be able to take the same painkillers home and they said I could so I decided to go home.

Being at home is better in a way and not in another. I have stairs to contend with her and they are not easy. They are not just straight up and take a couple of turns so  getting up them is just knackering. I wake in the night in loads of pain and am having to medicate in the night. I am not liking being on the morphine as is making me knackered and spaced out.

Being at home is frustrating. I am having to rely on parents to do everything for me. I can't even get myself a drink and have it in living room as I can't carry it through. Same with food. I can't go to the shop as I can't drive and I am useless on crutches. I still can't weight bare on my foot and if I do it hurts at the time but also after and it's more of an ongoing pain.

Then there's the problems this could cause with uni with missing time. I am so annoyed at myself, at the situation and I am just miserable and angry. I don't want to be stuck in the house. My friends don't live near by and can't drive so they can't come visit. It's so frustrating. I want to go back to work on Tuesday but my uni tutor has told me I am not to go back until I can confidently get up and down stairs and so I am not spaced out on drugs. I wanna go back but I can see her point. I can't get up and down the stairs of the building I am based in. And I fall asleep constantly as of the drugs. So I am screwed. And it's all my fault!!!!

Scatty.

I am really not with it. It's probably something to do with the 10mg of morphine I take every couple of hours. And on top of this the 60mg of dihydrocodeine every 4 hours.

When I can't concentrate on one thing anyway, the drugs make it a hell of a lot harder. I am having this week off placement and I hope by Tuesday I will not be relying on the morphine and I can go back to placement. I won't be able drive to see clients but at least I will be in the office.

I am blaming myself for all of this. If I hadn't have been totally paralytic then it wouldn't have happened. I drank far too much. I was on a mission to get wrecked. I had had 3 bottles of wine before leaving the house. My friends have had a go at me saying I was too pissed. I am embarrassed by my behaviour. In doing what I am doing there are certain codes of conducts that need to be followed. Even when not in work/placement. Well I kinda blew those out the window didn't I?!

I'm really not that with it at the moment. The pain killers are spacing me out. Not had any hallucinations or anything like that. Well I don't think so anyway. LOL.

Hopefully as time goes on I will be less reliant on the mega strong pain killers and I will be able to regain my coherence. I still want to write about what actually happened and more about my experiences in hospital.

xx

Home

I am home from the hospital. They ended up putting a cast on my leg rather than the splint as my foot was dropping and they needed to set it so I don't end up with my toes pointing down.

Being home is a LOT harder than I thought. Getting up stairs was a nightmare. At the hospital they seem to be wider and steeper where as at home they are not that steep so to go up on your bum it's harder as you haven't got the leverage on only one step below you and 2 steps is too far.

They have sent me home with morphine, paracetamol, dihydrocodeine, ibrupefen, quetiapine, and a few more bits. I can't believe they sent me home with morphine. First thing I did. Look it up in overdose. I don't think I have enough so that it would be painless and quick. So no point. Also, I need it for pain relief.

I am kind of spaced out on the painkillers at the moment so I will write a proper post tomorrow once I have had some sleep. I am also feeling mega sick.

Bucket is next to my bed!

Invalid

Still in the hospital. I am not sure when I'll be out. I think falling over last night probably wont help me. I've now been told i'm not to get out the bed unless someone is around. It's cos i'm crap at walking and i'm an invalid. The pain killers I'm on make me feel sick which means i don't even get any pleasure from meal times.
So basically I'm thoughly miserable.
I'm obviously worried about my course. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping  I can just make these missed days up. What's worse is it's my own fault. I went and got hammered. My behaviour wss awful. I know I've got a lot of shit kicking off, but after my recent problems with uni you would have thought I would have not screwed like I did. It is all my fault.

I've been filled in from my friends about what happened. It's embarrassing. The worst thing is is that it's not the first time. My friends have had a go at me saying it's clearly obvious I'm running away from what ever is going off. I don't think that i am. They also had a go at me about how much I had to drink (it was 3 bottles of wine at 13percent) and being on strong medication.

So I screwed up. I went out with the intention of getting pissed. I suppose in a way I am lucky. I wasn't arrested. I didn't try and kill myself. And i was with friends who have seen me like that before. What if i wasn't. I'm stupid. I'm hyper. I'm not in the best way to be confined to a bed. I don't know what to do with myself.

Xxxxx

Hospital Again.

As I write this I am laying on a hospital bed. I've been in since Friday night. I've broken my foot. Got drunk. Fell over broke foot. Bit more to it. My behaviour was at fault. But I'll write a proper post once I'm home and got my lap top. So after all I've done to stay on course. I've fucked it by having a broken foot.

The Past

I had a bit of a sort out today. Not much. Well it was just one box that has been on the landing for the last week that my Mum has been having a go at me to sort out.

I found some interesting things from the past. Got quite nostalgic about things. Some of the things brought up some memories from when I was with Gom. Like the odd receipt, photo and a couple of bits that he brought me. Including the Paul Frank Julius wallet. He got it in in Australia and I loved it. I wont throw it away as I still like it but it's note something I would now use. I've not used it in about 2 years but there were 2 condoms in there. In date also. Lol. Speaking of condoms I was going through a drawer the other week and found loads of out of date ones. I don't have need for them though. The last time I slept with anyone was August 7th last year. I can actually remember the date. The only reason I remember it though is because it was the night before I was going on holiday. I brought a guy back to my house and he would just not go. I saw him a few times after and we got on well but I didn't want to start a relationship after picking him up drunkenly in town. We saw each other a few times and I did really like him. But then I started self harming again quite badly and things got bad so I didn't want to start a relationship with any one.

 I've not cut in ages. But I am still using blood letting and regularly. I still don't get the fuss Dr T and Sam make over it. It's safer than me cutting. I have more control over it. I don't see it as dangerous. They are making a right fuss over it. But. I feel while I am like this I don't have time for a new relationship. I can't be bothered with being in a relationship either. I can't be bothered with putting the effort in. That's quite bad really isn't it?

Cleaning out that box got me thinking about the past. Have you seen that programme Being Erica? I love it. She gets to go back in time and try and change her regrets. I wonder what I would do if I had the opportunity. Would I have met Gom. Not all the relationship was bad. We did so much together and I feel if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't have done half the stuff I have done. By this I mean like going travelling etc. I wonder if I would have had my MH problems. I probably would have done. I can't blame them on him. I wonder if I would have gone about them in different ways. I wonder about where I would be?

I would also go back and not have taken the money. I think if that was the case I wouldn't have met Gom. Reason be is we moved house after, I got a job in a local pub and it was through going out with the girls from the pub that summer night I met Gom in a club. So if no job at the pub, no night out, no meeting Gom. Without Gom, I am not sure if I would have ever gone travelling. I probably would have done. But in a way I was lucky with Gom. I was crap with money, he was good. So he sorted a lot of things out making it possible. So really I have to think, was/is the heartache from the break up that much that I would take away the experiences I have had. I think about it and I think probably not. I can't attribute the relationship to the way things are now. Also I started self harming and the first suicide attempts were when things were going well in our relationship so I can't attribute it to that can I?

I was having a conversation with Raq the other night about the past and friends. We were saying out some of our friends seem to be stuck in the past in teenage years. They are childish and get annoyed when "the group" breaks off and do things as 2's, 3's and 4's. There are 8 in my "group". 4 of us went to school together, 3 of the others went to school together and the other one is a tag on that one of them met through work at a pub and then uni and they lived together. We have one lawyer, one teacher, one doctors PA, an accountant (nearly anyway), council worker, 2 recruitment agents, and me the eternal student. It's the lawyer and teacher that are the most childish when it comes to friendships within the group and have expectations of each of us. I was saying to Raq that we are friends we shouldn't have to live up to each others expectations. As friends you are friends because you want to be. If you are setting expectations on each other what does that say. if my friends screw up it doesn't matter. If they do it on purpose then it's different. But Miss Lawyer sets all these expectations and gets so pissed off and mardy should they not be met. Bit hypocritical really considering she went off with Miss Doctors PA's ex. Not juse an ex but an ex she was crazy about and was treated like shit by!!!! You just don't do that. And then Miss Lawyer had the cheek to be pissed off at Miss DPA as she was angry and upset.

That's just one example. But it's a constant thing. All the time. I don't like big group things when it is just the group as you can guarantee there will always be arguments. Always some snidy bitching behind someones back. I try and keep out of it. But it bloody annoys me. Big style!

It's like they want it to be like we are 16 again. We all didn't have commitments when we were 16. We were all pretty much in the same boat. But now some of us don't even live in the same city, some are in long term relationships, some own houses, some earn peanuts while others earn quite a lot. Raq said she wants to cut Miss Teacher out her life. She really doesn't like her anymore. But she struggles to cut her out when Miss T has connections to others in the group and hasn't seen how out of order she is to Raq. So what do you do. Cut out everyone? She said she has considered it but then feels bad as Miss Recruitments' haven't done anything wrong. Only still having contact with Miss Teacher.

It annoys me as these people have done quite well in life and I wonder how the hell they have when they are like they are. It pisses me off that they have been so successful when they are like they are.

But, saying all that, other than Miss Teacher and Miss Lawyer I care a lot about the rest of them. Even if it can be childish at times. I am seeing them all later for drinks and food and I am looking forward to it.

But that may be another whole blog....

x

High Blood Pressure.

I had to go get my BP checked today as I am taking the pill for PCOS. It was not good. 166/105. Too high. Much too high. I don't understand it. I think it's the situation I am in and getting false results. When I have been in hospital my BP has always been pretty average at around 115/70. Yet when I go to get it checked specifically I am getting high results.

I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have  a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.

Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.

But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.

I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.

I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.

Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.

I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.

I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?

Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.

I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????

Help!!!!!

Concentration

I am having massive problems with concentration over the past few days. It's really bugging me. I can't function. I am struggling at work as I can't concentrate on a task. I am also starting to proper freak about uni work as I have soooo much to do in the next 6 weeks and I can't bloody focus.

I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.

I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.

I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.

I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.

I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.

I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.

I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.

What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!

I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I  can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.

Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,

I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.

Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.

I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going bed now. Well I am trying to.

xxxx

Happy 100.

I've made it to 100 posts. I didn't actually think I would and to be honest I am not sure if I will make it to 200.

I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.

I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.

The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.

 Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.

When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.

I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.

I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?

I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.

Yeh. I am mad!

I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?

It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!

And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.

Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.

Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.

Grrrrr.

Did I Really Need...

5 new pairs of trousers
4 new pairs of shoes
5 new tops
2 new eyeliners
2 foundations
5 nail varnishes
2 new pj bottoms when I already have 3 I already haven't worn
2 toothbrushes (I brought the top of the range electric one only 2 months ago).
2 lots of dry shampoo.

I think I went a tad mad today. And now I have the shopping blues!

Don't Know What's Going On.

Maybe Sam is right. Maybe I do need to go to see my GP.

But, I kinda like the way I am at the moment. I feel productive. I feel motivated. I feel a bit hyper. The lack of sleep is not bothering me as I don't feel tired. I am ok on that amount of sleep. I feel mentally tired as I am thinking fast if that makes sense. I have a lot of different thoughts and can't process one before the other comes in. But, I can manage it. Well, I can most the time. Like if I am focusing on doing something. I have lists of things to do. So if I take one task, such as writing a letter I can do that and then move through my list. It's when I am not doing that that it bothers me. For instance I lose my concentration easily or lose track of what I am doing. I think I am managing to hide the lack of concentration. I don't think anyone has noticed.

Yeah I am still having the suicidal thoughts but they are not as often and it's more of a fleeting thought before another totally different one comes in. Before it was on a constant reel. I would picture my own death, I would picture different scenarios and they were all I thought of. But now it's just..."I wonder if...".

I've got a busy weekend planned. Shopping on Saturday. Yay! I know what I want but whether or not I will be able to get them. I know I probably shouldn't be but I want to.

Can anyone recommend a good eyeliner that stays on all day. I like to wear it thick and don't want a liquid one as I can't work them. I like pencil ones. I usually have like a smoky khol effect going on, heavy on top and bottom. What about foundations? I usually use clinique but I want something a bit heavier that will last the day and not make me shiny?

Not heard anymore from Gom. I am not that bothered. Ok, I want him to be thinking what have I done. I miss her. But I think moving another girl in probably shows that he is in love with someone else. You wouldn't move someone in you didn't love would you. I think I have come to terms with it now. Not sure. I would hate to run in to him and see him I think that may evoke some horrible emotions but I am ok after the contact with him this week.

I have got a meeting tomorrow which I am not happy about. This woman does not deserve her kids to be living with her. She spends all their money on drugs and alcohol and then can't feed them. The are in care at the moment but they are supposed to be coming back to her. I don't think that they should be. Not when she has not been giving the money over she has been receiving for them and the carers can't afford to feed them. It really annoys me.

I want kids and some people don't deserve to have them.

I keep biting the inside of my mouth as these pills give me dry mouth. It's really annoying me. I keep chewing it. And then it bleeds and can't stop grinding my teeth against it. I wish I could just stick a plaster on it or something, but with it being the inside of your mouth it wouldn't stick. Lol.

Had training on drugs today. I was surprised at how little in comparison to alcohol it costs the government. You know as in health care, crime etc. Alcohol is something like 10billion a year. Drugs is 0.9 billion a year. I wont say only, as I would quite like 0.9 billion. Sod it I'll take the 0.1. Or even 0.01!!!! Alcohol and the NHS is one of the things I am passionate about. When I was in hospital with the infection from self harming I would go out for cigarettes. I would say about 75% of the people I spoke to were in hospital either because they had had an accident while overly pissed or they were alcoholics and they had liver problems and other problems that go with alcohol. Did you also know that alcohol withdrawal can actually kill you. While drug withdrawal may feel like you are dying it's not a thing that can kill you. And, what confuses me is that drugs are looked at from a medical model and alcohol is a behavioural. There we are medical and behavioural again.

I spoke briefly to Sam about this on Wednesday. I said I prefer to look at it from the medical perspective as makes it seem a lot easier for me. I have written about it before on blogs about this. Wont go in to details again.

Anyway. I am not sure what else to say today. I am so busy at the moment but it's good. It means I can make the most of this what ever it is at the moment. Yay!

xxx

Amphetamines

I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.

I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.

I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.

I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.

I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!

And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like  "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.

The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.

But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.

I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr

Search Term...

"pole fitness jesus tried"

Just what was this person looking for? And they got me. Bloody hell.

A Sad Loss.

My cat died today. He had to be put to sleep. I am beside myself. I feel guilty for feeling a bad as I do considering I haven't seen the cat in a year. He was living with Gom. He was my cat though. Gom brought him for me after my first suicide attempt in an attempt to cheer me up. I called him my Suicide Cat. I would have brought him with me but it was not practical. When we broke up I went travelling for 3 months and then moved back in with my parents. My parents don't like cats and we have a dog, who also doesn't like cats. I would have had him at my brothers but my cat didn't like other cats. He was jealous of them.

He had so much personality. I think he thought he was a dog. He used to run to the door when someone was there, he used to jump up at you excited when you got home and he used to beg for food. He was what we called a stroking whore. He would go to anyone who gave him fuss. He constantly wanted attention. He wouldn't just sit there on your lap but headbut you again and again until you stroked him, and if you stopped he would start all over again. He was playful and so disobedient. It was like having a naughty child, you told him not to do something and he would look at you from the corner of his eyes, do it again and then run off in to the other room and hide. He would go into the forbidden closet of wonder and mystery again and again even though we tried to block it off from him. This was just the meter cupboard with some shelves in but because we had nailed the material over it we couldn't get in but the cat could. I think giving the meter cupboard that name just made it more appealing to him.

He wasn't really an outdoor cat. He much preferred being inside on someones knee. Gom would kick him out at night in the summer and in the day in the winter. I used to hate doing it as he would rarely want to go out and you could see him just sitting on the bins waiting for you to open the kitchen window so he could come back inside. He was a bit stupid. If it rained he didn't seek shelter but would just sit there and get wet.

He was fussy. He wouldn't eat any food in gravy it had to be in jelly. He would not pee in his litter tray so we had to have a separate one with news paper in so he would go in there. Much of the time he just preferred the floor. I would often come down to puddles on the laminate. We had to take the carpet up originally as of him as he just peed on that.

We got him from a RSPCA shelter. Funnily enough before we got him I was scared of cats. It's a phobia I've had since I was really young. Even looking at the kittens I was a bit apprehensive of them. I had said I wanted a black cat but knowing we were getting a rescue one didn't think there was much chance. We saw one female cat in the rescue bit and fell in love with her. She was the ugliest thing ever. But she had loads of personality and was very playful. We had about decided we wanted her when we were shown him. They kept the males and female in separate sections. He was everything I wanted. He was a big black cat. A normal back ground in that it was just that his owner died and her son didn't want a cat. So we didn't think we would have much trouble. My mind was made up. We were having him! 3 days later he was at home with us and settled in well. I suddenly lost my phobia of cats. It was a big phobia also. In that when I was younger I had a flat roof outside my bedroom window. If I saw a cat on it I wouldn't even sleep in my own bed and would have to sleep in my parents bed. I used to have nightmares about cats. But now. I had one. I was in love. I could even stroke Gom's parent's cat, before if she came near me I would scream and freeze until someone moved her.

When Gom and I broke up we joked I could have visiting rights. I knew I couldn't take him with me as of my situation and it seemed unfair on him to move him around. I had thought when I got my own place sorted I could ask for him to come live with me but, I knew that was not going to happen. We had tried him living with me once when we broke up before and I was staying at my brothers and he just kept attacking their cats. Poor things. All though the old one put up a hell of a fight to say she was 18!

So this lunch time I get an email from Gom.

Hi, I have a bit of bad news about "My Cat" I think you should know. Unfortunately he had some type of brain hemorrhage last night. I took him to vets this morning and he recommended he be put down.

 

That was it. No further details. My first thoughts were how long was he suffering. I had images going through my head of Gom saying he'll be ok and not doing anything.I have written before about how tight with money he is. And then I was thinking I bet the vet could have done something but Gom wouldn't pay as he is tight. So I had to call the vet.

 

The vet saw that he was registered in my name so was able to talk to me about it... I wonder what would have happened if not. Does patient confidentiality also apply to animals? Stupid!

 

Anyway, he made things a little clearer. He said he was brought in this morning as of being ill and he said his pupils were fixed and dilated. I asked if anything could have been done if he was seen earlier and he said not. He said he had only seen a couple of cases like this but the prognosis wasn't good and the kindest thing was to put them to sleep to stop their suffering. He suspected a brain hemorrhage as of the way it had affected his nervous system but was the possibility of poisoning. I mentioned that I had seen in the press recently that there were cats in that area that had been poisoned on purpose and I had concerns about that. He said was unlikely as it is long and drawn out and wouldn't affect the nervous system like that. My friend Neve who is friends with Gom on facebook said that his status was about My Cat being missing for a while. So I do wonder if he was ill before. I wish in a way you could do a port mortem on him to see what the cause of death was. But it would be expensive and it wouldn't change anything. He would still be gone.

 

The vet also said that Gom had taken him home. I know it sounds stupid but I really don't want Gom burying him in his back garden. Not now he lives with LD. He was my cat and I don't want her staking claims on him. Does that make sense. I would rather he be buried at Gom's parent's house. It's nicer there also. I just don't like the idea of him being buried in that little garden and where LD now lives. Does that sound stupid. I don't think Gom sees him as being my cat anymore. He brought him for me. I guess not  considering the short abrupt email from him. And the fact that I have not been asked what I think. I have emailed him back. The first time in nearly a year as I usually just ignore him. I didn't want to see like a cold hearted bitch. I emailed him back and asked and he has just replied and told me he has buried him under the bush he liked to hide in. I am really not comfortable with him being there but there is nothing I can do and obviously my opinion didn't matter.

 

When we got him we used to talk about how weird it would be as our kids would grow up with having him around. We talked about getting another one so he had company. I used to say he was a cat in touch with his own sexuality as he liked handbags and shoes. So I used to put him in pink. Hence the pink glittery collar and pink food bowls.

 

I feel terrible about it and keep breaking down in tears about him. I am glad I was off work today but tomorrow I have got to face work. I have got to go to the house 2 seconds away from my old house where Cat lived and do a visit there. I didn't expect my emotions to be this strong over him when I have not seen him in a year. I always looked out for him when I was in the area. I will miss him loads. It just seems so unfair as he was only 6. He wasn't even a third through his expected life.

 

As you can see he was a gorgeous cat.

I will miss him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jealousy

I have these huge insane feelings of jealousy at the moment. It's awful. I feel bad for even talking about it but I need to articulate them for myself.

The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.

Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.

Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.

So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.

I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.

Who knows?

ABC - Distraction Game

A = Age: 26


B = Bed size: Double. All to myself.
C = Chore you dislike: Putting anything away, including shopping, clothes, dishes...
D = Dogs: I've got a Jack Russell. She is 11 and yappy but I love her.
E= Essential start to your day: I don't really have one. Well does Snooze count?
F= Favourite colour: I think green, but I am not sure
G = Gold or silver: I like gold so long as it's not brash. I have my grandmothers engagement ring that I wear all the time and that's gold. But I think I prefer silver.
H = Height: 5’8″

I = Instruments you play(ed): I used to play the recorder, then I got my grade 3/4 on trumpet in secondary school. I gave it up when I was 16.
J = Job title: Student Social Worker.

K = Kids: No, but I am broody as hell.

L = Live: In the Midlands.
M = Mom’s name: Not going to to say of anonymity.

N = Nicknames: Rat and treasure from my Dad, Alley-Kat from my friends (ended up doing it in an alley with one of the guys I used to see and so that's that nickname. A shortening of my first name which I prefer to go by. I don't like being called my full name, it's what I am always called at the hospital and it's my medical name if you know what I mean. I don't mind my full name but people always spell it wrong and it drives me mad.
O = Overnight hospital stays: Too many. The only non-self harm one was after coming off the motorbike and I spent 12 nights in as of infection. In the past year alone I have probably spent close to a month in hospital. Over the course of my life it would probably be close to 2 months.
P = Pet peeves: Crunching ice, people blaming everyone else for their own shortcomings, arrogance, rudeness, there's loads...
Q = Quote from a movie: “You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off".
R = Righty or lefty: Righty.

S = Siblings: Two older brothers.
T = Time you wake up: On a uni/work day at about 7am and then snooze a few times. When I am not at uni, about 10-11am.

U = Underwear: Mostly black.

V = Vegetables you don’t like: Peas, and I am going off Cauliflower.
W = What makes you run late: Sleeping in and not being organised.
X = X-rays you’ve had: Dental, chest, knee, ankle, thigh, wrist, elbow, head, jaw, arms, humerus, foot and probably more I can't remember.

Y = Yummy food you make: I don't have a signature dish. I am an ok cook when I put my mind to it though.
Z = Zoo animal favourites: Elephants and Tigers

Don't Know What To Do.

So I've got a choice to make and I am not sure which way to go.

I have to choose which route in Social Work I am going to take; adults or children's?

When I first went in to Social Work I said there was no way that I was going to work with kids. I went in to it to do adult mental health and eventually do my AMHP training. However, while I still want to do my AMHP's training, after doing the law around children's I have found it a lot more interesting than I thought I would and I am starting to consider children's. I have never worked with kids in a social care setting. I don't have experience and I am expected to make a decision when I don't even know what it is like.What if I do my children's placement and decide, actually I do really like this, and it's too late?

I wanted to do adult mental health as of my own experiences in the system. It was a social worker who I had who was amazing back in 2007 that made me think about a career in the area. At the time I was doing a psychology degree and didn't really know where to take it. I was working in a bank as an account manager and I hated it. Working with him made me think, I could do this, I would enjoy this. I had thought about going down the psychology route but I was never going to have the money to do that. So I decided to get a job in a forensic female PD unit. I used that time to decide whether or not I wanted to go down the nursing route or social work. I did enjoy my job at first (I have written about it in a previous blog, and there is more I want to add about it which I will at the end of this), but I soon realised it was not the nurses who had a say in patient care, they just followed directions from the social workers and the rest of the MDT. I wanted to be one of the ones who had input in to patient care and one of the ones who can make decisions, not just follow someone Else's.

So yeah, I suppose I have a passion for adult mental health. Because of my own experiences and also because I know it already. I don't know other areas. It's the only area within adults that I could see myself doing. I don't really know what other areas there are and what you would do. Where as with children's I know of a few different areas and think I would find them all interesting. I don't want to risk choosing a pathway and not enjoying it as I am not doing what I want to be doing.

But then if I choose the children's route how likely is is I can work in adult mental health. It's a generic course that I am doing and choosing one doesn't mean I work in that for the rest of my life. I can change. But I know most people are offered a job off the back of their first placement. I don't want to put myself in a position where I am offered a job I don't want to take.

Also jobs; with all the cuts that are being made there is not that many jobs in adult services. I know more people choose the children's route and there are more jobs but I wonder if it's proportional?

I also wonder if it's possible to choose children's mental health and get my AMHP's that way. But there is even less of a need for children's mental health than adults.

I have been told by course director to follow my heart. My heart says adult mental health but my head says children's. I think there is a bigger possibility of finding work at the end of the course from children's but then do I want to be doing something that is not my interest. It's such a narrow area of adult's that I want to go in to also that there is no guarantee that I will be given a mental health placement for my 5 month placement. I really don't know which way to go. I keep weighing them up but they are about equal. So is it follow my head or follow my heart?

Going back to working in the forensic mental health unit.

Someone anonymously left a comment on that post basically saying by being a person who worked in a unit as such I was contravening human rights and I did provoke that patient in to attacking me. Well, they are wrong.

These patients (not inmates as the person put) had been sectioned under 3 or 37 and 37/41. These are people who would either be a big risk to other people in the community (they were in to things like arson, violent crimes etc) and they were massive risks to themselves. My self harm looks mild in comparison (and I am told mine will warrant hospitalisation if it carries on as it is severe). I won't say the things they did as it could trigger and give people ideas. Anyway, when someone was self harming themselves in a risky way (eg, ligating, cutting, biting chunks out of themselves etc) we would have no choice but to restrain if talking to them didn't work. Sometimes you didn't have the option but to restrain to go in and get what ever it was from around their necks or to stop them causing serious damage. None of the staff enjoyed restraining. It was a horrible experience but if you were going to get hit if you let go, you restrained. Why should be leave ourselves open to being hit by someone. No one deserves to go to work and expect to be attacked by patients. Yes, it is a risk, but it is something that should not happen.

Yes, sometimes people are not given privacy or others but even in the Human Rights Act 1998 can can clearly see that this can be contravened...

Article 8: Right to privacy

(1) Everyone has the right for his private and family life, his home and his correspondence.

(2) There shall be no interference by a public authority with the exercise of this right except such as is in accordance with the law and is necessary in a democratic society in the interests of national security, public safety or the economic well-being of the country, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, or for the protection of the rights and freedoms of others.

So as you can see no human rights are taken away from them on that one. We are not living in the days of asylums now. Anything that is done to the patients, i.e restraint, or being IM'd etc is done so in accordance with the law and so that human rights are not contravened.

I take it you have experience as being a patient in a mental health setting and it seems as though your experience was not a good one and you are bitter about it. However, just because I have restrained someone so that they can't hurt themselves or another person does not count as provoking someone. In fact I don't think I had ever been involved in a full on restraint with this person.

She attacked me as she could not get what she wanted straight away. I was on high obs on someone else and it was because there were not enough staff on the ward. As awful as it sounds there were actually patients who made it so they were on high obs. When they were on high obs they had a member of staff with them at all times. They could get something from their room, they could be let in to laundry to go and check on their clothes. They didn't have to wait. So they would intentionally do something to land them on high obs. I was actually told this by one of the patients. She didn't feel it was fair that the people on high obs were able to get drinks etc when they wanted as they had staff with them. And she was right. Why should she have to wait when other people didn't. It was one of the things I brought up with my Charge Nurse about staffing before she shot me down about it.

So, that's my take on it.

Any advice on what to do in regards to pathways will be much appreciated....

xxxx

Disappointed....but for the wrong reasons.

I wrote about it last night on SF. I had tried self harming last night by my usual blood letting methods and I could just not find a vein anywhere. So lots of puncture marks no release. I had worked myself up to it. I knew I was going to and had worked up to have those feelings released by the self harm. Then they didn't I just felt really disappointed and let down.

It's bad isn't it when things work out like that.

I have slept loads today at least. I woke up at about 11, went back to nap at 1 and woke at 4.30pm. Good nap. Think it was cos I took 150mg of Quetiapine last night. I am only supposed to be on 100mg. My thought processes behind taking more were that I wanted to sleep the day away. I plan on a bottle of wine and the same again tonight and hopefully I can spend most of Sunday asleep.

I had thought it would be a nice idea to go on the park with a book. But the idea of getting dressed and sorted was too much for me today. So it has been a PJ day.

I think part of the reason I am feeling so down is because I don't have any money and it's a week until I get some more.

I get a bursary though of around £2000. It is meant to last me 4 months. I know what I am like though. I am already planning the things I want to buy. It's my birthday in June so I can ask for some of the things for my birthday. I want some RayBan prescription sunglasses. So I will ask for those as a birthday present. So I wont be needing to buy them. I also want some new clothes. I need a summer wardrobe. You know those harem style trousers I want some of those as I get too hot in jeans over the summer, so I will probably buy a couple of pairs of those. I also need tops. I only have 1 t-shirt at the minute. I don't really like wearing t-shirts as of two reasons....my bingo wings and scars. I think normal people wont question them but professionals and people in the field I am in will.

I think I am going to get a bouncy castle also. Ok, that sounds a bit weird...but I want a BBQ for my birthday and I had a bouncy castle for my 21st and it was great so I want another one. It is a good laugh when you are pissed and there's a few of you. I was covered in bruises though. Worth it!

I say I am going to have a BBQ. But I hate organising anything. My friends are useless. I try and do something and they always drop out at the last minute and I end up getting hurt. So not sure if I want to arrange something like a bouncy castle if only 4 people will come. It's always loads of effort trying to arrange anything and I end up being let down. So I don't know if I will bother after all.

I also want to get a ticket to Leeds festival. The line up looks amazing. My brother is going with my sister-in-laws brother so I have asked if I can tag along and he has said yeah. The line up looks brilliant and I really wanna go. I get petrol money back from placement at the end of the month and that will pretty much cover my ticket cost. So I don't really mind paying £200 for the ticket. As I said...line up = amazing!

I have been sitting planning what I am going to spend my money on. It's bad isn't it? I know I should be saving it but I can't have it sitting there in the account.

I was going to go to Spain for a few days but I would rather go to the festival so I am putting the money towards that. I need new shoes also. I'm getting a pair of coloured converse (slightly more summery) and I need some summer shoes that aren't open toe or too soft. Risk of needle stick injuries and all that.

I've gone a bit mad there haven't I?

I still feel like I wanna self harm. I will do later. I think having a drink may help as dilutes my veins and brings them to surface.

I am feeling a bit speeded up today and I can't concentrate on one idea for any period of time. I thought reading a book may be a nice idea but I read the first page over and over as it wasn't going in. Annoying.

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Annoyed and Irritated.

So on top of being worried about the debt and things I have run out of money until next Friday. Grrrr. I am meant to be going to this comedy thing tonight which my friend has paid my ticket for but looks like I can't go as no one has any cash on them and I am not going to start borrowing money from friends. I hate doing that. I don't really feel like going either. I just want to lie in my room being miserable. I don't have the energy to put in to getting ready to go out. I quite like my routine of getting up, going to work, coming home and laying on my bed away from everyone not really doing anything other than reading other people's blogs or just slouching around.

Also, I got home and there was a letter from the plastic surgeon I saw last week. Even the letter had an air of arrogance. I don't know why he feels the need to mention self harm in his letter. I have told him it wasn't self harm (ok it was but I am not going to get anything done about it if I admitted that) and that it does have an impact on my life as it is stopping me from doing things. I can't do anything repetitive with my right arm so playing tennis is out. I wanted to get back in to racquet's again but while it is like this I can't. Even putting my seat belt on hurts. I can feel it all the time. Some times more than others and I carry pain killers around with me because of it.

I know I was stupid to do what I did, but I did. The consultant treats me like crap and I think it's because I self harm. Like in the letter to him it said I suffer with self harm scars. I mean what's that got to do with anything. The scaring isn't anywhere near the site of where he needs to operate. So I am just really pissed off with it all. I feel like a third rate citizen all because I self harm and I have something wrong with me that's not physical. I think this particular consultant needs to do some MH training. He definitely needs to do some training on how to deal with people. I hate people who do not show respect for others. I respect anyone who shows me some respect. Respect is not given just because he is a Mr Plastic Surgeon. I really don't like those people who demand respect just because of who they are. It's a 2 way thing respect is.

On a good note I have been discharged from Mr Gynecologist. I am happy that the combined treatment for the PCOS is working. So at least I don't have that on my mind. Mr G asked how things were and asked if since having treatment I had felt any better as there is a link between PCOS and depression. Unfortunately I have not noticed a difference so is a possibility that hasn't been causing it. Mr G is a nice guy. But, I still find it weird how a bloke goes in to gynecology.

And then, I have broken a nail. I could have cried. Ok a bit dramatic. But I have never had nails before as I have always bitten then. But since Xmas I have been managing not to bite them and they are the longest I have ever had them and they look really nice. I was getting in to my car and caught it on the lock and it just snapped off in one go. Really short. It's my middle finger so looks really odd. I think I am going to have to get some falsies and stick one on and then paint them all so they all look the same.

I am not your girlie girl. Yeh I like shopping for clothes and I wear a make-up and I like to gossip...but I am not a girly girl. I never wear heels. I never wear skirts or dresses. I am much happier in skinny jeans and converse. I don't like dressing up to go out at night. I tend to wear black skinny jeans and a top. I don't spend hours getting ready to go anywhere. I shower, dry, dress, make-up and scrunch my hair and mainly leave it to dry naturally as can't be arsed with straightening and blow drying. When ever I go anywhere with friends and we are going out I take about 20minutes to get ready compared to their nearly 2 hours. I just don't understand how someone can spend so long putting make-up on etc.

So having nails is a novelty to me. They make my hands look nicer and my fingers not look as stubby. I have tiny hands with short fingers so it looks nicer to have nails.

And I have just realised I have written 3 paragraphs about a broken nail. I think I need to get a life!

Everything seems to be annoying me today. It's as though everything or everyone is going out of their way just to piss me off. I know that's not the case. It's probably just that I am tired and I have had a busy week and I just need to wind down.



I can't even help myself can I?

Motivation

Where have you gone?

You would have thought after an hour of 4 people telling your uni tutor how great you are, it would motivate me to do more work today.

I had a meeting with university tutor, practice educator and my supervisory team on placement today. Going to sound big headed here but they were talking over each other to get their points in about how well I was doing on placement and how I had settled in and how well everything is going. I don't feel as though I am doing anything out the ordinary by doing it. I am just doing what I think needs to be done and it seems as though it's fantastic. I think that goes to show that I am not letting my thing get in the way of placement and uni. I hope it has satisfied uni that things are going well.

So why after that has it taken me all day to do one bloody letter. I couldn't keep my mind on the job at all. I kept drifting off and just not being able to concentrate on anything all day.

I am worried about the debts that I have and money. I don't really know what I am going to do about it. I don't know what to do about the debts that I have. It's not major but it's more than manageable for me. It's around £9000. Which I know is not massive and there are people in a lot more debt than me. I can't control what I spend and it worries me. I don't seem to be able to budget. If I have money I just want to go and blow it and go shopping. Buy nice things for me like new clothes, having my hair done and things that make me feel nice. I like having new things and went I get the money through I can't control what I do with it.


I have got in to a bad state with debts this month also. I got a pay day loan x 2 and I can't clear it. It is due next week but I know I can't afford to pay it off as will be about £700 that I need to pay out in one go. I have had to cancel my bank card so they can't take the payment next week.

I have enquired about a debt relief order which will cost £90 but they said because there is reasonably new debt with these payday loans they could turn it down saying I took them out with no intention of paying it back. The thing is when I took them out my head wasn't in the right place. So the DRO people are saying there is a chance it could be declined. She said I should not pay them and wait a couple of months to process it so that it doesn't look like I have taken it out with no intention of paying them.

It's getting me in to a bit of a state worrying about it all. I have bad credit so it's not even as though I can get a consolidation loan to clear everything.

It's making the thoughts come on really strong and the self harm is worse because I don't feel as though I can cope. The self harm for me increases when I don't feel as though I control things.

My parents were supposed to go away this weekend but now they are not. Well miffed. Mainly because I planned to cut. I have not cut since January as I have not had the opportunity to. But it's something I really want to do.

I am mad aren't I? I deserve to be locked up on a hospital ward. I can't control my thoughts or my actions. It's ridiculous!

Better Than I Thought It Would Be...

So today I had yet another meeting with uni. I was dreading it. I thought they were going to question me about the self harm and ask how in what way it may impair me. I was so nervous. But I went in. She told me not to worry as she was not wanting to remove me from placement. She said how the counsellor had raised concerns about my fitness for practice and they wanted to know what my take on it was. So I said I don't think the way I am impairs my judgement at all and that I don't take issues in to work with me.

She said she had received glowing reports from placement and she said she was really happy with the way things were going. They then asked me if the course of placement contributed in any way to the self harm and how I was feeling. I said not at all. I enjoyed it and it's personal stuff that's going on that is affecting me.

We talked a bit about counselling for a while and they said they commended me on facing up to it and doing something about it. They both said how they had both been in counselling at some point also and that I should stick with it as will be worth it in the long run. I asked about who needs to know and they said they would record what had happened today but, no one else needed to know. So I don't need to tell my PE which is good as I would rather as few people know as possible. I even clarified that it wouldn't be brought up at tomorrow's midpoint review so I am relieved.

I also had a session with Sam today. It went ok, but sometimes I feel as though an hour is not enough. Not once a week. I do find sessions useful. Sam does a lot for me. I think she does more than she needs to and goes above and beyond her role. OK, I feel a bit pissed about this whole thing with uni but, I can't blame her for it. She had concerns, she shared them with the team and she had to do what she had to do. I understand. But it's still not nice being on the other side of it. She keeps saying how now everything is out that I am safe to discuss what I want. I am still not so sure. What if I get worse. What if she questions my ability to practice again? The way in which I feel is that it's the course or death. Now, I know that is not exactly the best thing to be saying, doesn't make me look stable. But it's how I feel. So I need to gauge just how much I can say.

Sam contacted Dr T for me also. She has a direct mobile number for him now. So any worries I have, any questions she has or any concerns she can contact him. I think from now on Sam will receive any correspondence from him that is sent to my GP. I am not that privileged. Some MH professionals do include you in letters, others don't. I like to get them, but at the same time I am not sure if it is good for me to be getting them. I like to know what is being said, you know the paranoia and all that but I am not sure if it is good for me. I would like to know if DR T has any kind of plan. Sam said she asked him about hospitalisation and he said he was talking about it as if he was talking about different scenarios. I didn't seem that way to me. It seemed as though he has moved from no way, not at all, to it's a possibility.

I talked to Sam about this and said sometimes I feel that having worked in that area I know what answers they are looking for when assessing you. Because I know what the trigger words and phrases are when looking at admission I know how to get around it. I wondered if this was perhaps a negative thing for me as I was effectively playing the system. She didn't really comment on this, other than by saying I am probably not the only one.

She said the main concerns were around my acknowledgement of the self harm and how I normalise it. Or not make it seem as bad. I don't see the blood letting as a serious method of self harm. I see cutting as worse. When I cut, I don't just cut I gouge, it's mutilation. I even got asked if someone had attacked me once as it was that bad and they didn't believe I had done it to myself. That sounds like I am bragging about it there. I'm not. I am ashamed of myself. So I see my cutting as a worry not the blood letting. They are all up in arms about the blood letting as they see it as serious. I just can't grasp that. Hospital is my biggest fear. I know I can talk the talk when it comes to talking about suicide but I am not sure what to say in terms of self harm.

I am scared. The thoughts I have scare me. My mood scares me. I was talking to Sam about it, I said I was sick of the cycles. Every few months I go in to a really bad depressive stage where I self harm, then for a while things are ok and I am happy then it's back to being suicidal. I am sick of it. I don't want to go through life like this. I can't cope with it.

Friends.

I have noticed recently that since I have become a bit mentally interesting again my friends seem to have disappeared. I know I should make more of an effort but there are a couple of friends that I am quite hurt by.

First off - Annie

She is supposed to be my best friend. I first met her about 6 years ago while working for a bank in it's call centre. We became really close and used to go out together all the time. She was my slightly mad but in a fun way, you know the kinda dippy blonde who needed looking after friend. But at the same time she was highly intelligent and great at giving advice and making you feel better. She knew about my problems when they first kicked off in 2006. She knew about the self harm also but not the extent of it. She has always been a bit unreliable and a pain to get hold of as she puts her whole self in to her job as a teacher. She is a fun person to be around and I love her to bits. But. I am the one who always makes contact. Well tries to. She never answers her phone, she never replies to texts and is a pain to get hold of. I last saw her at the end of January. We went out for dinner and I told her a bit about what had been going on and nearly started crying in the restaurant. I have not heard from her since. I have tried calling numerous times and her phone now appears to always be off. I do worry about her. But at the same time I wonder if it's something I have done. If she just doesn't want to be friends as I am screwed up and I am draining. She will probably get in contact with me in the next couple of months probably over the Easter holidays and suggest meeting up. I hope so anyway. I really miss her.

Jemima -

Met her in 2004 at uni. In all honesty I didn't like her at first. I found her really hard work. She is neurotic, she is an attention seeker. She makes you feel bad for things you shouldn't feel bad for. But I put up with her and as I don't just cut people out my life I left her there. Over the summer we saw quite a bit of each other. I was there for her when her bloke dumped her. I warned her it was coming. I told her she was treating him like crap and that she couldn't expect him to spend all his free time with her. He needed his own space also. When he broke up with her she went a bit odd. First off she ran off to her Dad's.

They have a strange relationship. He abandoned her when she was a baby and only got to know him when she was 15 or so. To me it seems as though he wants to buy her love by buying her things for the house etc. They had a massive falling out not long ago when she went on holiday with him. She decided she wasn't enjoying herself and was going to come home early. Bit of a kick in the teeth to her Dad really when he had paid for her to go with him, Anyway, she went running to him. She was in such a state that her Dad wouldn't leave her alone and she then went to her Gran's and her Mum's. She got signed off work for about a month over it. Me and my other friend kept saying to her that she was doing the wrong thing by being off work. I had gone through it myself from a much longer relationship where we lived together etc only a few months previous and I found the best distraction was work and threw myself in to it.

Anyway, she would just not listen to anything anyone was saying to her. She would call me up really late at night crying and being hysterical and I would talk to her offer her advice but she would never listen. It drove me mad. One day she called me saying she had lined up her pills she takes (they are anti-convulsants for night terrors) and she said she wanted to take them. I asked her how many she had and she said about 9. I just said to her do what you want, it won't work, all it will do is make you fall asleep for a while and then have a hang over. I stopped pandering to her. I couldn't hack it anymore. I got firm. This was in the hope she would stop asking me for advice every minute of every hour. I suppose it would be around this time that I started to have issues again also. My plans with her didn't work and then I used to get "GP, you always tell me how it is, what do you think". So being honest didn't actually pay off either. In the end she seemed to get sorted out. It was going back to work that helped. Funny that isn't it? Fair enough if you have an ongoing condition which means you are better off work. But that was something that would heal in time and she needed distracting.

Anyhoo. I have not seen her since September. The first OD I took on the 21st September I was kinda ill in hospital. I was hooked up to heart and BP machines all the time as my heart was going really fast. The hospital were concerned about it and I was in a monitored bay of 3 beds with 1 nurse. Because I left the house in quite a hurry I wasn't sure if my back door was locked. I was getting quite stressed about it. Being as though I thought she was a friend and I knew she was off that day I called her and asked her to come and get my keys to let herself in and check the back door for me.

At first she was really reluctant to. Saying she wasn't sure if she could etc. I told her I was quite ill and I wouldn't be allowed home. She came in to the hospital and saw me hooked up to the machines. While she was there she was still saying she didn't want to as was worried about doing something wrong. While she was there the doc even came over as my BP and pulse was getting even higher. She did end up going to my house ( which is only 2 minutes from hospital) but she couldn't get in as the key is a bit dodgy. So she came back to the hospital really angry at me etc. In the end I managed to persuade the Doc to let me go for about 20mins so I could go home and do it myself. He could see that it was not good on me physically the stress it was putting me under.

I did actually say to her at the time that I was thankful she came but I was a bit disappointed at her attitude considering what I had done for her over the previous months and I was a bit upset by it.

I spoke to my other friend about all of this (a mutual uni friend) and she was so pissed off at her that she contacted her having a go at her. Jemima then contacted me saying she didn't appreciate I was saying things behind her back and that I should be really grateful to her for taking the 2 hours she spent on her day off trying to sort things. I said I was, I hadn't said anything to other friend that I hadn't said to her but I was upset with her by her attitude.

I haven't seen her since. Contact has been next to nothing. A text on her birthday and a text at Xmas. She doesn't have a clue what is going on at all. But I am not bothered. The relationship I had with her was very one sided and she was take take take. It was too much effort.

Anna -

Not seen her since 21st September. I ended up telling her quite a bit in my drunken state about self harming and how I had been feeling. She twigged I had OD'd called an ambulance and left. She does have her own issues also. But I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other. She doesn't reply to messages or emails. So I think I have been cut out of her life there. I kinda miss her though as she was a good laugh. I did bump in to her in town and she was far too thin. I am worried that her ED has come back. I feel really bad for doing anything while she was there. How I put her in that position and I feel an idiot. I have lost a good friend there.

But it's amazing how you find out who your true friends are when things go belly up. I have 3 close friends who know what is going on. They know about struggles with uni and possibility of being pulled. They don't know the extent of my self harm. But I did tell one of them about how scared I was of hospital and a bit more detail. Those guys have stuck around. They text me to see how things are and what's going on. I've got lots of other friends but they don't contact me at all. We only really talk now on nights out or events where we would all be together. It does upset me as I went to school with these guys, I have known them more than half my life. Maybe I should be the one that makes the effort but why should it always be me?

I have got other friends. But I don't tell them anything. They are good fun to go drinking with and we share similar interests but I don't tell them anything like that. They are more than acquaintances, but not quite close friends.

I know I should make more of an effort with some of my friends, but with Anna and Annie there is nothing I can do other than give up or wait. With Jem, I a not bothered. Her friendship had been a drain on me for a while. But I couldn't dump her as she had no one else. But I am quite confident she has met other people from her course now so I don't feel as bad. I suppose it came at the right time really.

Has anyone else found that friendships have changed?

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