Jealousy

I have these huge insane feelings of jealousy at the moment. It's awful. I feel bad for even talking about it but I need to articulate them for myself.

The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.

Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.

Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.

So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.

I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.

Who knows?