Amphetamines

I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.

I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.

I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.

I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.

I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!

And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like  "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.

The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.

But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.

I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr

A Sad Loss.

My cat died today. He had to be put to sleep. I am beside myself. I feel guilty for feeling a bad as I do considering I haven't seen the cat in a year. He was living with Gom. He was my cat though. Gom brought him for me after my first suicide attempt in an attempt to cheer me up. I called him my Suicide Cat. I would have brought him with me but it was not practical. When we broke up I went travelling for 3 months and then moved back in with my parents. My parents don't like cats and we have a dog, who also doesn't like cats. I would have had him at my brothers but my cat didn't like other cats. He was jealous of them.

He had so much personality. I think he thought he was a dog. He used to run to the door when someone was there, he used to jump up at you excited when you got home and he used to beg for food. He was what we called a stroking whore. He would go to anyone who gave him fuss. He constantly wanted attention. He wouldn't just sit there on your lap but headbut you again and again until you stroked him, and if you stopped he would start all over again. He was playful and so disobedient. It was like having a naughty child, you told him not to do something and he would look at you from the corner of his eyes, do it again and then run off in to the other room and hide. He would go into the forbidden closet of wonder and mystery again and again even though we tried to block it off from him. This was just the meter cupboard with some shelves in but because we had nailed the material over it we couldn't get in but the cat could. I think giving the meter cupboard that name just made it more appealing to him.

He wasn't really an outdoor cat. He much preferred being inside on someones knee. Gom would kick him out at night in the summer and in the day in the winter. I used to hate doing it as he would rarely want to go out and you could see him just sitting on the bins waiting for you to open the kitchen window so he could come back inside. He was a bit stupid. If it rained he didn't seek shelter but would just sit there and get wet.

He was fussy. He wouldn't eat any food in gravy it had to be in jelly. He would not pee in his litter tray so we had to have a separate one with news paper in so he would go in there. Much of the time he just preferred the floor. I would often come down to puddles on the laminate. We had to take the carpet up originally as of him as he just peed on that.

We got him from a RSPCA shelter. Funnily enough before we got him I was scared of cats. It's a phobia I've had since I was really young. Even looking at the kittens I was a bit apprehensive of them. I had said I wanted a black cat but knowing we were getting a rescue one didn't think there was much chance. We saw one female cat in the rescue bit and fell in love with her. She was the ugliest thing ever. But she had loads of personality and was very playful. We had about decided we wanted her when we were shown him. They kept the males and female in separate sections. He was everything I wanted. He was a big black cat. A normal back ground in that it was just that his owner died and her son didn't want a cat. So we didn't think we would have much trouble. My mind was made up. We were having him! 3 days later he was at home with us and settled in well. I suddenly lost my phobia of cats. It was a big phobia also. In that when I was younger I had a flat roof outside my bedroom window. If I saw a cat on it I wouldn't even sleep in my own bed and would have to sleep in my parents bed. I used to have nightmares about cats. But now. I had one. I was in love. I could even stroke Gom's parent's cat, before if she came near me I would scream and freeze until someone moved her.

When Gom and I broke up we joked I could have visiting rights. I knew I couldn't take him with me as of my situation and it seemed unfair on him to move him around. I had thought when I got my own place sorted I could ask for him to come live with me but, I knew that was not going to happen. We had tried him living with me once when we broke up before and I was staying at my brothers and he just kept attacking their cats. Poor things. All though the old one put up a hell of a fight to say she was 18!

So this lunch time I get an email from Gom.

Hi, I have a bit of bad news about "My Cat" I think you should know. Unfortunately he had some type of brain hemorrhage last night. I took him to vets this morning and he recommended he be put down.

 

That was it. No further details. My first thoughts were how long was he suffering. I had images going through my head of Gom saying he'll be ok and not doing anything.I have written before about how tight with money he is. And then I was thinking I bet the vet could have done something but Gom wouldn't pay as he is tight. So I had to call the vet.

 

The vet saw that he was registered in my name so was able to talk to me about it... I wonder what would have happened if not. Does patient confidentiality also apply to animals? Stupid!

 

Anyway, he made things a little clearer. He said he was brought in this morning as of being ill and he said his pupils were fixed and dilated. I asked if anything could have been done if he was seen earlier and he said not. He said he had only seen a couple of cases like this but the prognosis wasn't good and the kindest thing was to put them to sleep to stop their suffering. He suspected a brain hemorrhage as of the way it had affected his nervous system but was the possibility of poisoning. I mentioned that I had seen in the press recently that there were cats in that area that had been poisoned on purpose and I had concerns about that. He said was unlikely as it is long and drawn out and wouldn't affect the nervous system like that. My friend Neve who is friends with Gom on facebook said that his status was about My Cat being missing for a while. So I do wonder if he was ill before. I wish in a way you could do a port mortem on him to see what the cause of death was. But it would be expensive and it wouldn't change anything. He would still be gone.

 

The vet also said that Gom had taken him home. I know it sounds stupid but I really don't want Gom burying him in his back garden. Not now he lives with LD. He was my cat and I don't want her staking claims on him. Does that make sense. I would rather he be buried at Gom's parent's house. It's nicer there also. I just don't like the idea of him being buried in that little garden and where LD now lives. Does that sound stupid. I don't think Gom sees him as being my cat anymore. He brought him for me. I guess not  considering the short abrupt email from him. And the fact that I have not been asked what I think. I have emailed him back. The first time in nearly a year as I usually just ignore him. I didn't want to see like a cold hearted bitch. I emailed him back and asked and he has just replied and told me he has buried him under the bush he liked to hide in. I am really not comfortable with him being there but there is nothing I can do and obviously my opinion didn't matter.

 

When we got him we used to talk about how weird it would be as our kids would grow up with having him around. We talked about getting another one so he had company. I used to say he was a cat in touch with his own sexuality as he liked handbags and shoes. So I used to put him in pink. Hence the pink glittery collar and pink food bowls.

 

I feel terrible about it and keep breaking down in tears about him. I am glad I was off work today but tomorrow I have got to face work. I have got to go to the house 2 seconds away from my old house where Cat lived and do a visit there. I didn't expect my emotions to be this strong over him when I have not seen him in a year. I always looked out for him when I was in the area. I will miss him loads. It just seems so unfair as he was only 6. He wasn't even a third through his expected life.

 

As you can see he was a gorgeous cat.

I will miss him.