Ramblings.

Woken up feeling anxious and just generally irritated. I slept fine. I have not been irritated yet. I just feel really on edge and awful.

Going out for dinner today as a whole family including 2 nephews. It should be nice. It's going to be noisy. My already very loud dad when around the kids gets a million times worse. I prefer seeing my nephews on their own when my Dad isn't around. It's just too much chaos. I am quite glad when I can escape back to the solitude of my room. It's not my nephews as I love them loads and they can come round and scream and shout (not that they do) but it's my Dad who just makes me feel awful.

I am having serious doubts about my ability to do the course. OK, I am passing coursework but I am not happy with the results. I'm putting so much bloody effort in and only just passing. In my first degree I didn't really try. I put minimum effort in and was getting average marks. In the end I came out with a 2.2. I was hoping with this if I was putting effort in I would be coming out with Merit's 60% plus. It's making me feel quite pants really.

I don't know if I should go back to hardly any effort and procrastinate and then pull an all nighter the day before. It doesn't help that everyone on the course is doing better than me. I seem to be in the lower area. I know it shouldn't matter what everyone else gets as long as I pass. But it does. I want to be getting the results for my effort but I'm not. I have not mentioned to to anyone before but I am not happy with the academic side of it. I enjoy it. I find it interesting but I'm really worried about results. I have not mentioned it as I feel it would give them further fuel to me coming off the course for a while. I have spoken to course director about it and she said she has no concerns about my academic work. As long as I am passing is what matters.

So this morning after I've had my skittles (purple, then green, then yellow then orange and lastly red) for breakfast...I know healthy right. I am going to hit the books. This afternoon after dinner I am going to hit the books. No drink for me today. I need a clear head to do uni work.

Also it's an excuse not to drink. I want to give this Quetapine chance to work and because I have to do uni work and get up tomorrow I don't know how alcohol will effect it so I don't want to be taking it on a school night. I don't want to be on meds at all but I feel as though I have to comply with something they want other wise that again is adding fuel to the fire.

Sam is going to find out for me what is going on. I never think to ask what is happening in appointments and get clarification on things. I always forget what happened as well. Sam has offered to come with me next time. Before I have wanted to do it on my own and keep things separate. But if Sam is offering to do all these things for me and with me, I do think it would be in my best interests to take the support that is being offered.

I'm still waiting to hear from key worker/CCO. I'm not sure what or who it will be just that I am getting one.  I just hope that it's not a social worker. But there is a good chance it could be.

At the moment I seem to be blogging quite a bit. I suppose I am using it as a distractor and as a tool of procrastination.

Now before I start on the uni work do I have a shower and get ready to go out so when people get here in a couple of hours I am ready or do I do an hour or so uni work and then shower. Or do I mong around on the net for a while, check facebook, email, sf, talk to a few friends, moan some more about uni, shower then realise I only have 30 minutes....

You know what it will probably be the latter! I did get up yesterday though and go to the library.

xxx