The Past

I had a bit of a sort out today. Not much. Well it was just one box that has been on the landing for the last week that my Mum has been having a go at me to sort out.

I found some interesting things from the past. Got quite nostalgic about things. Some of the things brought up some memories from when I was with Gom. Like the odd receipt, photo and a couple of bits that he brought me. Including the Paul Frank Julius wallet. He got it in in Australia and I loved it. I wont throw it away as I still like it but it's note something I would now use. I've not used it in about 2 years but there were 2 condoms in there. In date also. Lol. Speaking of condoms I was going through a drawer the other week and found loads of out of date ones. I don't have need for them though. The last time I slept with anyone was August 7th last year. I can actually remember the date. The only reason I remember it though is because it was the night before I was going on holiday. I brought a guy back to my house and he would just not go. I saw him a few times after and we got on well but I didn't want to start a relationship after picking him up drunkenly in town. We saw each other a few times and I did really like him. But then I started self harming again quite badly and things got bad so I didn't want to start a relationship with any one.

 I've not cut in ages. But I am still using blood letting and regularly. I still don't get the fuss Dr T and Sam make over it. It's safer than me cutting. I have more control over it. I don't see it as dangerous. They are making a right fuss over it. But. I feel while I am like this I don't have time for a new relationship. I can't be bothered with being in a relationship either. I can't be bothered with putting the effort in. That's quite bad really isn't it?

Cleaning out that box got me thinking about the past. Have you seen that programme Being Erica? I love it. She gets to go back in time and try and change her regrets. I wonder what I would do if I had the opportunity. Would I have met Gom. Not all the relationship was bad. We did so much together and I feel if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't have done half the stuff I have done. By this I mean like going travelling etc. I wonder if I would have had my MH problems. I probably would have done. I can't blame them on him. I wonder if I would have gone about them in different ways. I wonder about where I would be?

I would also go back and not have taken the money. I think if that was the case I wouldn't have met Gom. Reason be is we moved house after, I got a job in a local pub and it was through going out with the girls from the pub that summer night I met Gom in a club. So if no job at the pub, no night out, no meeting Gom. Without Gom, I am not sure if I would have ever gone travelling. I probably would have done. But in a way I was lucky with Gom. I was crap with money, he was good. So he sorted a lot of things out making it possible. So really I have to think, was/is the heartache from the break up that much that I would take away the experiences I have had. I think about it and I think probably not. I can't attribute the relationship to the way things are now. Also I started self harming and the first suicide attempts were when things were going well in our relationship so I can't attribute it to that can I?

I was having a conversation with Raq the other night about the past and friends. We were saying out some of our friends seem to be stuck in the past in teenage years. They are childish and get annoyed when "the group" breaks off and do things as 2's, 3's and 4's. There are 8 in my "group". 4 of us went to school together, 3 of the others went to school together and the other one is a tag on that one of them met through work at a pub and then uni and they lived together. We have one lawyer, one teacher, one doctors PA, an accountant (nearly anyway), council worker, 2 recruitment agents, and me the eternal student. It's the lawyer and teacher that are the most childish when it comes to friendships within the group and have expectations of each of us. I was saying to Raq that we are friends we shouldn't have to live up to each others expectations. As friends you are friends because you want to be. If you are setting expectations on each other what does that say. if my friends screw up it doesn't matter. If they do it on purpose then it's different. But Miss Lawyer sets all these expectations and gets so pissed off and mardy should they not be met. Bit hypocritical really considering she went off with Miss Doctors PA's ex. Not juse an ex but an ex she was crazy about and was treated like shit by!!!! You just don't do that. And then Miss Lawyer had the cheek to be pissed off at Miss DPA as she was angry and upset.

That's just one example. But it's a constant thing. All the time. I don't like big group things when it is just the group as you can guarantee there will always be arguments. Always some snidy bitching behind someones back. I try and keep out of it. But it bloody annoys me. Big style!

It's like they want it to be like we are 16 again. We all didn't have commitments when we were 16. We were all pretty much in the same boat. But now some of us don't even live in the same city, some are in long term relationships, some own houses, some earn peanuts while others earn quite a lot. Raq said she wants to cut Miss Teacher out her life. She really doesn't like her anymore. But she struggles to cut her out when Miss T has connections to others in the group and hasn't seen how out of order she is to Raq. So what do you do. Cut out everyone? She said she has considered it but then feels bad as Miss Recruitments' haven't done anything wrong. Only still having contact with Miss Teacher.

It annoys me as these people have done quite well in life and I wonder how the hell they have when they are like they are. It pisses me off that they have been so successful when they are like they are.

But, saying all that, other than Miss Teacher and Miss Lawyer I care a lot about the rest of them. Even if it can be childish at times. I am seeing them all later for drinks and food and I am looking forward to it.

But that may be another whole blog....

x