Well, I still haven't had a phone call from my CPN or Dr. They could have called Friday or today and they haven't. I am quite relieved by this as I don't really want to have to go see anyone about what I have been experiencing as I don't want to end up back in hospital.
But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.
I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.
Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Monday, 28 January 2013
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything
Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!
She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).
So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...
Here is what I came up with...
CAT Team Pros.
- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.
Cons
- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.
Counselling Pros
- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
Cons
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.
Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.
So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.
So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.
Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.
She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.
They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.
I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.
I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.
Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.
They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.
Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...
They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.
They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.
Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.
So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.
So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.
He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.
So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!
She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).
So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...
Here is what I came up with...
CAT Team Pros.
- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.
Cons
- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.
Counselling Pros
- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
Cons
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.
Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.
So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.
So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.
Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.
She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.
They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.
I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.
I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.
Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.
They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.
Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...
They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.
They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.
Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.
So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.
So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.
He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.
So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!
Monday, 30 May 2011
Sleep
I slept until 14.15 today. That was over 12 hours sleep. I had 10 the night before and about 14 the night before that. I don't know if it's the medication that's causing it. It's not even as though I am only lightly sleeping. I am full on dreaming sleep. Last nights dreams were about this operation I am having on Thursday and that things may go wrong. I still hope that things do go wrong but there is not much I can do to see that things go wrong. I will be taking aspirin before hand to reduce the clotting in my blood. And I hope that the surgeon makes a mistake. I am also ignoring advice about not smoking on the day and the same with food and drink. I will just hide that from others.
I don't know why but I have arranged to go on a date next week with a guy off Match. I don't know why I joined it when I don't plan on being around to see things out.
I need to try and sleep less tonight. I will set my alarm for the morning as I am sleeping too much. To be in that deep sleep for so long isn't right really. When I woke up it felt like it was the morning. I didn't feel as though I had slept so long.
Going to try and make sure I am settling down to sleep at 12 tonight. I am up at 9am as I have to go into placement to make sure I have handed everything back in and also to finish up there.
Let's just hope I don't sleep through the alarm.
I don't know why but I have arranged to go on a date next week with a guy off Match. I don't know why I joined it when I don't plan on being around to see things out.
I need to try and sleep less tonight. I will set my alarm for the morning as I am sleeping too much. To be in that deep sleep for so long isn't right really. When I woke up it felt like it was the morning. I didn't feel as though I had slept so long.
Going to try and make sure I am settling down to sleep at 12 tonight. I am up at 9am as I have to go into placement to make sure I have handed everything back in and also to finish up there.
Let's just hope I don't sleep through the alarm.
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Amphetamines
I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.
I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.
I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.
I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.
I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!
And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.
The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.
But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.
I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.
I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr
I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.
I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.
I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.
I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!
And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.
The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.
But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.
I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.
I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr
Monday, 20 December 2010
A Mixture of Events!
I have been up to quite a lot since I last wrote on here. I have kept putting off writing as I know there is quite a lot I have wanted to talk about.
First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.
I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.
I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.
Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.
Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.
My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.
I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.
I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.
I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!
First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.
I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.
I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.
Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.
Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.
My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.
I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.
I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.
I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Please Just Go.
So, update....and some general ramblings...
Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.
I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.
So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.
I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.
On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.
So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!
Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.
I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.
So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.
I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.
On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.
So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!
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