Better Than I Thought It Would Be...

So today I had yet another meeting with uni. I was dreading it. I thought they were going to question me about the self harm and ask how in what way it may impair me. I was so nervous. But I went in. She told me not to worry as she was not wanting to remove me from placement. She said how the counsellor had raised concerns about my fitness for practice and they wanted to know what my take on it was. So I said I don't think the way I am impairs my judgement at all and that I don't take issues in to work with me.

She said she had received glowing reports from placement and she said she was really happy with the way things were going. They then asked me if the course of placement contributed in any way to the self harm and how I was feeling. I said not at all. I enjoyed it and it's personal stuff that's going on that is affecting me.

We talked a bit about counselling for a while and they said they commended me on facing up to it and doing something about it. They both said how they had both been in counselling at some point also and that I should stick with it as will be worth it in the long run. I asked about who needs to know and they said they would record what had happened today but, no one else needed to know. So I don't need to tell my PE which is good as I would rather as few people know as possible. I even clarified that it wouldn't be brought up at tomorrow's midpoint review so I am relieved.

I also had a session with Sam today. It went ok, but sometimes I feel as though an hour is not enough. Not once a week. I do find sessions useful. Sam does a lot for me. I think she does more than she needs to and goes above and beyond her role. OK, I feel a bit pissed about this whole thing with uni but, I can't blame her for it. She had concerns, she shared them with the team and she had to do what she had to do. I understand. But it's still not nice being on the other side of it. She keeps saying how now everything is out that I am safe to discuss what I want. I am still not so sure. What if I get worse. What if she questions my ability to practice again? The way in which I feel is that it's the course or death. Now, I know that is not exactly the best thing to be saying, doesn't make me look stable. But it's how I feel. So I need to gauge just how much I can say.

Sam contacted Dr T for me also. She has a direct mobile number for him now. So any worries I have, any questions she has or any concerns she can contact him. I think from now on Sam will receive any correspondence from him that is sent to my GP. I am not that privileged. Some MH professionals do include you in letters, others don't. I like to get them, but at the same time I am not sure if it is good for me to be getting them. I like to know what is being said, you know the paranoia and all that but I am not sure if it is good for me. I would like to know if DR T has any kind of plan. Sam said she asked him about hospitalisation and he said he was talking about it as if he was talking about different scenarios. I didn't seem that way to me. It seemed as though he has moved from no way, not at all, to it's a possibility.

I talked to Sam about this and said sometimes I feel that having worked in that area I know what answers they are looking for when assessing you. Because I know what the trigger words and phrases are when looking at admission I know how to get around it. I wondered if this was perhaps a negative thing for me as I was effectively playing the system. She didn't really comment on this, other than by saying I am probably not the only one.

She said the main concerns were around my acknowledgement of the self harm and how I normalise it. Or not make it seem as bad. I don't see the blood letting as a serious method of self harm. I see cutting as worse. When I cut, I don't just cut I gouge, it's mutilation. I even got asked if someone had attacked me once as it was that bad and they didn't believe I had done it to myself. That sounds like I am bragging about it there. I'm not. I am ashamed of myself. So I see my cutting as a worry not the blood letting. They are all up in arms about the blood letting as they see it as serious. I just can't grasp that. Hospital is my biggest fear. I know I can talk the talk when it comes to talking about suicide but I am not sure what to say in terms of self harm.

I am scared. The thoughts I have scare me. My mood scares me. I was talking to Sam about it, I said I was sick of the cycles. Every few months I go in to a really bad depressive stage where I self harm, then for a while things are ok and I am happy then it's back to being suicidal. I am sick of it. I don't want to go through life like this. I can't cope with it.