What Is Wrong With Me?

A few people have mentioned bi-polar. I am not sure. Yes I get my hyper moods, thoughts racing, am motivated, I am irritated easily, spend lots of money ( I have had issues with money since being about 12-13, see earlier blogs) or wish to, am impatient with people etc. But these, well most of them can just be personality traits. Can't they?

I have consulted Dr Google and Dr Google's tests. And that indicates it. But. I feel as I have never been full on manic that it wouldn't be that.

I have never mentioned it to Dr T or anyone as I don't want them thinking I have Munchhausen's on top of "issues". I am also quite scared if they then did diagnose it's more of a reason to be made to go into hospital. I don't want drugs that zombify me or make me pile on weight. Because, if they did I wouldn't take them. I am giving Quetiapine ago and I know that can be used in the treatment of bi-polar.

In my head I don't feel normal. I know my thoughts aren't right and there is no logic to them. I have to stop, slow down and rationalise with myself.

I would be happier with diagnosis of bi-polar than having PD traits. As doesn't everyone have some PD traits? Well everyone on my course does and the Clinical Psychologist that ran that session does.

I am scared of having a diagnosis. But at least if you are given a diagnosis you can be treated.

I have had my suspicions for a while. Which also makes me think it can't be that. But I have seen I think 3 different Psychiatrists now and none of them have ever said anything like that. On top of what I listed above I am...

Paranoid
Have to have control of situations and fear losing control.
Obs the deep depression, self harm and suicidal ideation which seems to be on a reel in my head.
Worry about people's perceptions of me and will go out my way to make them improve by doing something incredibly nice for them. I will also avoid telling people about certain things about me.
I like to be on my own most the time.
I can be reckless and do silly things that could possibly endanger me.

I can't think of anymore at the moment.

I am scared about being diagnosed with something. I am scared I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal. But what is normal?

I read somewhere earlier that normal is just a cycle on a washing machine. I just don't want to go through cycles of this depression for the rest of my life. I can deal with the other bits. But feeling like this.

No Thank You!!!