Update

Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.

xxx

Hope This Isn't The Start Of Things To Come

The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.

I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.

It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!

Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.

I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.

I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?

I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?

Annoyed and Irritated.

So on top of being worried about the debt and things I have run out of money until next Friday. Grrrr. I am meant to be going to this comedy thing tonight which my friend has paid my ticket for but looks like I can't go as no one has any cash on them and I am not going to start borrowing money from friends. I hate doing that. I don't really feel like going either. I just want to lie in my room being miserable. I don't have the energy to put in to getting ready to go out. I quite like my routine of getting up, going to work, coming home and laying on my bed away from everyone not really doing anything other than reading other people's blogs or just slouching around.

Also, I got home and there was a letter from the plastic surgeon I saw last week. Even the letter had an air of arrogance. I don't know why he feels the need to mention self harm in his letter. I have told him it wasn't self harm (ok it was but I am not going to get anything done about it if I admitted that) and that it does have an impact on my life as it is stopping me from doing things. I can't do anything repetitive with my right arm so playing tennis is out. I wanted to get back in to racquet's again but while it is like this I can't. Even putting my seat belt on hurts. I can feel it all the time. Some times more than others and I carry pain killers around with me because of it.

I know I was stupid to do what I did, but I did. The consultant treats me like crap and I think it's because I self harm. Like in the letter to him it said I suffer with self harm scars. I mean what's that got to do with anything. The scaring isn't anywhere near the site of where he needs to operate. So I am just really pissed off with it all. I feel like a third rate citizen all because I self harm and I have something wrong with me that's not physical. I think this particular consultant needs to do some MH training. He definitely needs to do some training on how to deal with people. I hate people who do not show respect for others. I respect anyone who shows me some respect. Respect is not given just because he is a Mr Plastic Surgeon. I really don't like those people who demand respect just because of who they are. It's a 2 way thing respect is.

On a good note I have been discharged from Mr Gynecologist. I am happy that the combined treatment for the PCOS is working. So at least I don't have that on my mind. Mr G asked how things were and asked if since having treatment I had felt any better as there is a link between PCOS and depression. Unfortunately I have not noticed a difference so is a possibility that hasn't been causing it. Mr G is a nice guy. But, I still find it weird how a bloke goes in to gynecology.

And then, I have broken a nail. I could have cried. Ok a bit dramatic. But I have never had nails before as I have always bitten then. But since Xmas I have been managing not to bite them and they are the longest I have ever had them and they look really nice. I was getting in to my car and caught it on the lock and it just snapped off in one go. Really short. It's my middle finger so looks really odd. I think I am going to have to get some falsies and stick one on and then paint them all so they all look the same.

I am not your girlie girl. Yeh I like shopping for clothes and I wear a make-up and I like to gossip...but I am not a girly girl. I never wear heels. I never wear skirts or dresses. I am much happier in skinny jeans and converse. I don't like dressing up to go out at night. I tend to wear black skinny jeans and a top. I don't spend hours getting ready to go anywhere. I shower, dry, dress, make-up and scrunch my hair and mainly leave it to dry naturally as can't be arsed with straightening and blow drying. When ever I go anywhere with friends and we are going out I take about 20minutes to get ready compared to their nearly 2 hours. I just don't understand how someone can spend so long putting make-up on etc.

So having nails is a novelty to me. They make my hands look nicer and my fingers not look as stubby. I have tiny hands with short fingers so it looks nicer to have nails.

And I have just realised I have written 3 paragraphs about a broken nail. I think I need to get a life!

Everything seems to be annoying me today. It's as though everything or everyone is going out of their way just to piss me off. I know that's not the case. It's probably just that I am tired and I have had a busy week and I just need to wind down.



I can't even help myself can I?

Distractions.

I have spent most of the day online responding to peoples posts on SF. It has been keeping me distracted for wanting to self harm and getting in to an even lower mood. I have had quite a bad weekend. I haven't self harmed massively, just blood letting. To me that is better in terms of medically. I am not taking up resources, I don't need treatment for it and it doesn't leave massive gashes that can go infected like the ones at the moment. Although I am probably to blame with these as I haven't been taking the antibiotics as they make me ill so I hope I will fight the infection myself. I planned on staying in bed all day yesterday and I actually cried when my mum said I was actually expected to be at my brothers for dinner at 12.

Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does.  But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.

So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.

So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.

So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.

We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:



1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5


2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.


3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.


4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5


5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.


6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).


7.Chronic feelings of emptiness


8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).


9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.

So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.

Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.

He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would  sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.

I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.

So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.

I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.

I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.

Thanks for reading - if you do?

More Musings

Things are getting worse.

I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?

Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.

It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.

Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!

Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.

Babies.

I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav".  I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.

I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.

I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs. 

I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.

 I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.

So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".

Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.

Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.

x

Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!

Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.

So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.

I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.

I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?

So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.

Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!

Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!

I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.

Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!

I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!

Will These Feelings Please Just Go Away!

Urghhh!

It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.

I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.

I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.

What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.

Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.

I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!

It's been a while but here I am again!

So,

it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.

Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.

Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.

My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.

I know I do!

I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.

I know I am weird!