Why when things seem as they could be improving i.e it looks like I will be allowed to stay on the course am I still obsessed by my own death? The pictures of it are going round and round. I have been so close to losing everything the past couple of weeks and I have realised how much being on the course means to me. I think a big part of it is knowing I will go down hill quickly. And when I am feeling as bad as I have been I don't want to feel worse. I can't cope with feeling worse. Maybe that's why I have fought so hard to stay on the course because I am scared of what will happen if I don't. I need to stop second guessing myself. It makes my head hurt.
I know things are still a bit up in the air but I have had reassurance from the course director that she wants me to stay doing the course. It's just a meeting to iron a few things out on Wednesday. I am still dreading it as I know I will have to talk about my self harm.
I think I have rationalised with myself that if my psychiatrist thought I needed a mental health act assessment he wouldn't wait to see me for another 6 weeks would he? Surly if it was a serious possibility and not just something thrown around he would have been more concerned about my mental health and not wait 6 weeks before the next appointment. Because if it was me and I was thinking of getting a MHA on someone I would be concerned about their mental health and capacity and would not be waiting another 6 weeks to see them. I would possibly arrange to see them in 2 weeks. But then why mention it? To scare me? Doubt it, they are professionals. But then they can do a MHA anywhere. They may just rock up at my house one day. But then if Dr T was going to do that and there was the possibility of hospital why would he tell his PA to have me go back in 6 weeks. If they were going to do a MHA wouldn't they wait for the results of that first?
I haven't told them about the suicidal thoughts. I don't think I would act on them. Not yet anyway. I have "if that happens" plans that are set but that is it really. Well in terms of definite. The rest is thinking of methods. I suppose I do still feel that if I found a method that would work, that wasn't painful and didn't look like suicide I would probably still go ahead with it. I only mentioned it briefly to Sam. They mostly think it's self harm. I don't feel as though I can correct them. Sam asked me if I had used any other methods and I lied. I said no. I don't think I can talk about it. Not when she could jump in and say, things are getting worse now, I need to inform uni. I'm not taking that risk. If I feel I am putting anyone in danger as of my moods I will do something about it. I am closely supervised and don't feel that there is a need for them to know.
I'm still a bit of a mess really aren't I?
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