So on top of being worried about the debt and things I have run out of money until next Friday. Grrrr. I am meant to be going to this comedy thing tonight which my friend has paid my ticket for but looks like I can't go as no one has any cash on them and I am not going to start borrowing money from friends. I hate doing that. I don't really feel like going either. I just want to lie in my room being miserable. I don't have the energy to put in to getting ready to go out. I quite like my routine of getting up, going to work, coming home and laying on my bed away from everyone not really doing anything other than reading other people's blogs or just slouching around.
Also, I got home and there was a letter from the plastic surgeon I saw last week. Even the letter had an air of arrogance. I don't know why he feels the need to mention self harm in his letter. I have told him it wasn't self harm (ok it was but I am not going to get anything done about it if I admitted that) and that it does have an impact on my life as it is stopping me from doing things. I can't do anything repetitive with my right arm so playing tennis is out. I wanted to get back in to racquet's again but while it is like this I can't. Even putting my seat belt on hurts. I can feel it all the time. Some times more than others and I carry pain killers around with me because of it.
I know I was stupid to do what I did, but I did. The consultant treats me like crap and I think it's because I self harm. Like in the letter to him it said I suffer with self harm scars. I mean what's that got to do with anything. The scaring isn't anywhere near the site of where he needs to operate. So I am just really pissed off with it all. I feel like a third rate citizen all because I self harm and I have something wrong with me that's not physical. I think this particular consultant needs to do some MH training. He definitely needs to do some training on how to deal with people. I hate people who do not show respect for others. I respect anyone who shows me some respect. Respect is not given just because he is a Mr Plastic Surgeon. I really don't like those people who demand respect just because of who they are. It's a 2 way thing respect is.
On a good note I have been discharged from Mr Gynecologist. I am happy that the combined treatment for the PCOS is working. So at least I don't have that on my mind. Mr G asked how things were and asked if since having treatment I had felt any better as there is a link between PCOS and depression. Unfortunately I have not noticed a difference so is a possibility that hasn't been causing it. Mr G is a nice guy. But, I still find it weird how a bloke goes in to gynecology.
And then, I have broken a nail. I could have cried. Ok a bit dramatic. But I have never had nails before as I have always bitten then. But since Xmas I have been managing not to bite them and they are the longest I have ever had them and they look really nice. I was getting in to my car and caught it on the lock and it just snapped off in one go. Really short. It's my middle finger so looks really odd. I think I am going to have to get some falsies and stick one on and then paint them all so they all look the same.
I am not your girlie girl. Yeh I like shopping for clothes and I wear a make-up and I like to gossip...but I am not a girly girl. I never wear heels. I never wear skirts or dresses. I am much happier in skinny jeans and converse. I don't like dressing up to go out at night. I tend to wear black skinny jeans and a top. I don't spend hours getting ready to go anywhere. I shower, dry, dress, make-up and scrunch my hair and mainly leave it to dry naturally as can't be arsed with straightening and blow drying. When ever I go anywhere with friends and we are going out I take about 20minutes to get ready compared to their nearly 2 hours. I just don't understand how someone can spend so long putting make-up on etc.
So having nails is a novelty to me. They make my hands look nicer and my fingers not look as stubby. I have tiny hands with short fingers so it looks nicer to have nails.
And I have just realised I have written 3 paragraphs about a broken nail. I think I need to get a life!
Everything seems to be annoying me today. It's as though everything or everyone is going out of their way just to piss me off. I know that's not the case. It's probably just that I am tired and I have had a busy week and I just need to wind down.
I can't even help myself can I?
Showing posts with label gynecologist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gynecologist. Show all posts
Friday, 8 April 2011
Monday, 4 April 2011
Nervous about Wednesday
I had a meeting today with my Practice Educator. She says she is happy with my progress and I am on way to passing placement. So I suppose that is good news.
I also contacted my personal tutor at uni and informed her I was meeting with the PE and did I need to say anything. She said not at the moment. So I don't know if that means it will be discussed on Thursday, as a group (more on that in a minute) or if we can not mention it. I have a meeting with my personal tutor and course director on Wednesday. I am dreading it. Apparently when speaking to course director I led her believe that the self harm was a thing in the past. I am sure I said it was ongoing. But Sam spoke to them and corrected them on that so now I have this meeting. I am dreading it. In fact I am dreading this week in general. So Wednesday I have a meeting with those 2.
I suppose at that I will get clarified what I needing to be telling placement and PE. I really don't want them knowing about the self harm. I think my manager would be understanding as she has issues also. I really like her. She is amazing. I have such a laugh with her and I could not ask for a better manager. She has loads of shit going on at the moment also and I am worried about her. I have only known her 8 weeks and I am worrying. But I suppose when you spend so much time with work people you do get to know them. Over the past couple of weeks especially I have got to know a lot about her. She has a lot going on. But she is still pulling in amazing results.
Any way, I can't see what benefit it has them knowing about the self harm. I hope uni have the same view point as me. I know Sam wants me to tell everyone, but I don't see the point. I've been told not to worry about the meeting on Wednesday as course director said she is still of same view point that she wants me to continue on placement. But it doesn't stop you worrying does it.
So on Thursday I have meeting with PE, personal tutor, manager and supervisor. It's not to do with my being a little interesting. It is what we had planned anyway. I am half way through my first placement now so it's just a check up really to make sure that everything is going ok. I am worried though that stuff will be brought up and I am going to have to talk about it with all those people there. It was hard at the MHA when there was the nurse, the social worker, and 2 doctors. But I knew I would never see these people again, I knew what I said would be nothing new to them, that they are used to hearing it. But, this is different. These people I know. These are people I will have to work with for the next few weeks. I don't want them knowing.
Friday I have a gynecologist appointment. My gyne is male. So I don't really like that. He's a lovely bloke though. And he does what he can to make it easier on me. I get the feeling he genuinely cares. Maybe that's the difference between medical and psychiatric though. I still don't understand why a bloke would want to go in to gynecology. What's the appeal. I find it really odd. Most people go into something because they have a personal interest in the area. But I just don't understand it with this. I suppose maybe a family member had gynecological problems and as a child he made it his mission in life to cure her. Or he grew up in a female dominated household and there was so much oestrogen, PMT, general female moodiness that he took on the quest to cure all women of PMT. Who knows?
So this week I have Tuesday. Tuesday is my day of no important meetings or invasive things. But I have got a visit booked which I don't want to go to. I have got quite a bit of office work to do tomorrow and could actually do with a day in the office. I may get it done in the morning though so I suppose it's a wait and see.
x
I also contacted my personal tutor at uni and informed her I was meeting with the PE and did I need to say anything. She said not at the moment. So I don't know if that means it will be discussed on Thursday, as a group (more on that in a minute) or if we can not mention it. I have a meeting with my personal tutor and course director on Wednesday. I am dreading it. Apparently when speaking to course director I led her believe that the self harm was a thing in the past. I am sure I said it was ongoing. But Sam spoke to them and corrected them on that so now I have this meeting. I am dreading it. In fact I am dreading this week in general. So Wednesday I have a meeting with those 2.
I suppose at that I will get clarified what I needing to be telling placement and PE. I really don't want them knowing about the self harm. I think my manager would be understanding as she has issues also. I really like her. She is amazing. I have such a laugh with her and I could not ask for a better manager. She has loads of shit going on at the moment also and I am worried about her. I have only known her 8 weeks and I am worrying. But I suppose when you spend so much time with work people you do get to know them. Over the past couple of weeks especially I have got to know a lot about her. She has a lot going on. But she is still pulling in amazing results.
Any way, I can't see what benefit it has them knowing about the self harm. I hope uni have the same view point as me. I know Sam wants me to tell everyone, but I don't see the point. I've been told not to worry about the meeting on Wednesday as course director said she is still of same view point that she wants me to continue on placement. But it doesn't stop you worrying does it.
So on Thursday I have meeting with PE, personal tutor, manager and supervisor. It's not to do with my being a little interesting. It is what we had planned anyway. I am half way through my first placement now so it's just a check up really to make sure that everything is going ok. I am worried though that stuff will be brought up and I am going to have to talk about it with all those people there. It was hard at the MHA when there was the nurse, the social worker, and 2 doctors. But I knew I would never see these people again, I knew what I said would be nothing new to them, that they are used to hearing it. But, this is different. These people I know. These are people I will have to work with for the next few weeks. I don't want them knowing.
Friday I have a gynecologist appointment. My gyne is male. So I don't really like that. He's a lovely bloke though. And he does what he can to make it easier on me. I get the feeling he genuinely cares. Maybe that's the difference between medical and psychiatric though. I still don't understand why a bloke would want to go in to gynecology. What's the appeal. I find it really odd. Most people go into something because they have a personal interest in the area. But I just don't understand it with this. I suppose maybe a family member had gynecological problems and as a child he made it his mission in life to cure her. Or he grew up in a female dominated household and there was so much oestrogen, PMT, general female moodiness that he took on the quest to cure all women of PMT. Who knows?
So this week I have Tuesday. Tuesday is my day of no important meetings or invasive things. But I have got a visit booked which I don't want to go to. I have got quite a bit of office work to do tomorrow and could actually do with a day in the office. I may get it done in the morning though so I suppose it's a wait and see.
x
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