It's Not Getting Any Better....

Title says it all really.

After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.

I feel so alone. I feel awful.

My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.

And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.

And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.

That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.

And Again...

Sick of it. So sick of the feelings. I know I am looking at suicide as a way of escape. I don't think it is because I don't want to be alive. But, more that I don't want to be alive with the way things the way they are. I know there is no cure. There is recovery, but that is living with it. I don't want that. I don't want to live with this "thing" that follows me around. The thing that may lie dormant for a few weeks, but rears its ugly head. And when it does BHAM! It consumes me. It takes over every thought.

College is going well. But, I know since I have started the self harm and urges have got worse. I am looking at ways of control as I don't have any other way of control in my life. Not that I feel tangible anyway. And for me at the moment is making myself sick. It's practically every day now. If I had the opportunity, every meal. But, I am wary about doing it in public places. I have done a couple of times, but I worry about people hearing me and knowing what I am doing. I have been blood letting again too.

And now, well, for the last few weeks, I have started thinking and researching ways in which I can end my life. A way out. At the moment I am a bit obsessed with anti freeze. I have read many stories of people where it has worked. I have even bought a bottle. But, the stuff I have is mixed with the bitterant stuff which makes it taste horrid. But I figure, it's there if I really need it. It is my safety net.

I feel so alone at the moment. Places where I would usually find refuge don't give it me. Before I was spending a lot of time at my parents. But, now I can't. It makes me worse. My Mum has decided she's not drinking again. Not just going to cut down or watch it, but cold turkey. And yet again, she is making a massive thing of it. It's quite irritating. More so, because I know it won't last. And the whole cycle of her getting pissed and laying in to my Dad will start again. But, the weird thing is, since she stopped drinking the atmosphere in the house is awful. It's gone back to how it was in 2010 and before. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My Dad is in a constant mood and on edge. You have to be really careful what you say and do. My brother is baring a lot of it too. I know he is totally skint and can't really afford to eat or heat his flat. So, I know he has been spending quite  a bit of time there as he can eat their food and use their heat. But, it's getting to my Dad him being there quite a lot. My brother isn't the tidiest of people and spreads himself out over the whole house. He is also not really working that much. So, it pisses my Dad off when he has been out at work all day that he comes home to him being on the sofa and his mess. So, I can kind of see where my Dad is coming from. But he is not tactful. He is really abrupt and quite mean about it. I feel awful and upset by the way he speaks to him and my brother gets upset and angry and ends up storming off. Which in turn upsets my Mum and makes her angry and she then gets upset with my Dad. It's a spiral.

I saw G last week and he said something about me trying to be a peacekeeper and I let other peoples problems affect me and I shouldn't as there is nothing I can do about them. It pissed me off, and I told him, because I can't not care about how people who are close to me are feeling and what is going on in their life. That would make me a really selfish, self obsessed person and I am not prepared to be that person. I can't not care about what is going on in the life of people who I am close to. Who wouldn't be?

I don't feel as though I have anyone I can talk to about everything. It's not just that that is going on. There's more. But I feel so alone. I can't talk to my friends as they have all their own stuff going on. Obviously I can't talk to family or really spend much time with them as the atmosphere is just a reminder of what is going on. Friends are all busy too, and I don't have access to a car. So, I am pretty much alone. And I feel as though I am doing something wrong because it is effecting me so much. I don't see G until Thursday and he is the only person I feel I can talk to about it. And I am already expecting the answer to be a long the lines of how I need to distance myself. Well, I can't. So what does that mean?

I have tried ringing and speaking to someone on the team I am under, But the thing is they don't know me. They don't know anything about me. I spoke to someone and all they basically told me was distract myself. Nothing else. And on top of that. Because I have told them I won't be seeing Dr T again as I am not putting myself through the stress and anxiety, they have basically said I can't see anyone else until the referral for the new doctor is put through. So even in ringing them I feel like I am wasting my time as there is nothing I can do.

In my city they have closed down 2 MH wards. One male and one female, both with about 22 beds. In doing this they are supposed to have made CRHT services better. I don't know what that really means. Because I haven't really seen any improvement. I know that the calls no longer go through to the 136 suite after 9pm and do go through to someone in the crisis team. But that is the only improvement.

I don't honestly know what I can do. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I am in a constant pain. I just want to sleep my way through it. I can't stand it.

OK, I don't feel like this all the time. There are some weeks where I am happier and not depressed. There are some days where I feel quite happy. But that is not enough. Because the majority of the time I am not. I am not a happy person. I have struggles most the time. So, telling me it will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't really help. Because, I have been there far too many times. It does get better eventually, but, it will also end up like this again. I do want a future where I am successful etc. I want the whole family 2.4 kids thing. But, it's not exactly likely when I won't let anyone in to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone. I see ending my life as an escape. A way of running away. I haven't given up. I am still trying to get to college, to do college work and do it well. Part of me thinks how can I be suicidal and still working towards a future. But, I think that is because suicide is an escape. But I am sure ask most people who are suicidal if they could live if it were a happier life and things wouldn't be as they are now. I am sure they would take the live happier option.

But, because I am still going to college, because I am trying to live my life. I am getting pushed aside. I think people think that because I am doing that, I am working towards a future, then they can't really be suicidal thoughts. So basically I should go take a bath, put some music on, light some candles sit down and relax. Because my non suicidal thoughts will disappear. Because after all, they are not really suicidal thoughts.

All I want to say right now is fuck. And that's it.

Growing Old

I don't want to grow old. I don't want to die a slow painful death from a drawn out illness that I have no control over (such as cancer etc). I don't see a future. I don't want to lose people close to me, watching them go one by one. I don't want to watch all that and think my own death is getting closer and closer, it being something I fear. I want to have that control. I don't want to live my life with the regular low periods where sometimes they don't hang around long, but most of the time they are totally disabling. I can't ever see me being able to live a normal life. A life where self harm is not the first thing I turn to when things are tough. I don't ever see me being rid of this whole thing.

I don't see a point. Why should I have to suffer like this? What is the point in it? Was I really bad in a past life and I have been reincarnated in to this hell. Is this hell?

Low...Again

My mouth is cracked and sore from purging so much. I feel shit because I don't know why I feel low. I purge more because I feel low.

I saw G earlier. He said I look and angry. I wasn't before the appointment. But I was after. Nothing he did or said. But because of what I was thinking about and the stuff that came out, I felt angry after. And why...because I am so fucking sick of this. I am sick of the lows. I am worried that this low will get worse and worse and I will end up in an awful position again. Not just thinking about ending my life, but taking steps to do it. Really self destructive behaviours. The pattern of what has happened in the past, repeating again. G told me not to dread it and to worry about it. Not to think that that is what is going to happen as I am biasing myself for it to happen. But, how do I not do that? I am trying to tell myself that it may not necessarily happen. But, it's quite hard not to. G said I have been low before and it hasn't always spiralled and got worse. He mentioned a time, but I struggle to remember it all.

But as it stands at the moment, I am thinking about taking steps to end it. Thinking of buying drugs offline. Stockpiling medication again. Trawling the Internet for hints and tips. Not exactly healthy behaviour is it?

The self harm urges have lessened. The suicidal urges have increased.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

I've Not SH

Not yet anyway. I want to. I am having issues around control at the moment. Making myself sick a lot. I want to cut. I want to blood let. Thoughts of suicide are prominent. The idea of stockpiling medication. Of stopping medication too. I can't see the point in it. I don't think it's working as it should be.

Today was the first day I have had in weeks where I could sit and do nothing and not feel bad about doing it. I have been working like mad on this course and on the assignment I am doing. I need more time for me. But, I don't have it. I don't think I can cope with the pressures of the course. I am not sure going back to college was the best thing for me to do. And, because I have these feelings I feel as though I am failing. I have tried to do something to try and get better and it's making me worse. I can't cope with it and it's making me feel like this. But, I can't not do it. To everyone on the outside they think I am doing well. They think I am ok. They don't know I have been stockpiling medication again. And I am just biding my time. I am making plans in case I need to fall back on them.

Then, I feel like I am defective. I haven't told anyone at college about my MH problems. I haven't really told them much about me at all. I don't want them knowing or seeing that weak side. I lost a lot of friends when I had to leave uni because of ending up in hospital. I suppose they weren't really friends to start with when no one contacted me. There were rumours going around about me, no one contacted me to see if I was ok. So, they obviously weren't friends were they?

I know I shouldn't, but I see my MH as a defective weak thing. I see myself as weak and abnormal. I don't want people knowing that.

Right now I am writing this to stop myself going and sticking my fingers down my throat and taking a needle to a vein. I feel like I need that release. I have already purged twice today. But, I don't feel relieved. I need to feel empty.

I have been feeling so low this last week or so. I feel deflated. Then I get in to the b/p spiral as I want to eat to comfort myself, so then I feel bad and need to get rid of it. Then because that only helps a little, I then want to do something that does help. Currently it is blood letting. I think that may help me feel better.

I am sick of these lows. They are consuming. I fear them. I fear them because when they arrive it takes over every waking second. The thoughts of ending my life get more frequent, dark thoughts consume me. And ok, they don't go on forever, but they come back again. And again. And again! It's a never ending circle.

Struggles

G told me I am craving self harm as for me it's an addiction. So, one way to look at the urges are as a craving and to see them as a positive thing. Because, if I have an urge/craving, it means I haven't given in to it. Can kind of see his point. So, I told him to give up smoking and to when he wants one to enjoy that craving and see it as a positive thing as he is not doing something that is dangerous to his health.

I can kind of see his point. But, I don't like that way of looking at it.

The stubborn, angry person inside of me is thinking this whole thing is a load of bollocks. I can sit there and listen to him telling me that if I SH, it won't just be the once, it will become more frequent, I will give in to it easier next time, it then leads to me having suicidal feelings and my behaviour getting more and more risky. I know he's right, deep down the rational person inside of me knows that what he says makes sense and usually, those patterns do start. But, on the other hand I was sitting there, like an angry teenager thinking you don't know me, it's all a load of crap, I can do what I want, I can be in control and I can manage it. After Wednesday next week, it's OK for me to go and cut. It's OK for me to do it. I can do it just the once. I can be in control.

This part of me is winning at the moment. I have pretty much told myself that, after next Wednesday, if I still feel the same, then I will let myself cut. The short term gratification of cutting is winning. I haven't got a day set as to when I will allow myself to. But, it will be OK.

I feel as though I am all broken up in to separate parts. They don't merge together. I am finding it really hard.

I feel quite on my own at the moment. I have not formed any relationships with anyone on the course. In fact, I find everyone annoying and childish. I have these paranoid feelings that people are talking about me behind my back. The two people that I spend my time with, the two people are closest to my age, have become quite cliquey together. I don't know how much of it is a mask, but they are those over happy people. Use over exaggerated hand movements, do jazz hands a lot, and all of that type of annoying stuff. OK, writing this down makes it sound quite pathetic how I am feeling. It's their vibe, attitude etc that I find it all really annoying. The sniggering. All of that. I feel quite different from everyone. I know that I probably am not. OK, they won't have spent any or as much time in hospital. They won't act like I do. But, a lot of these people will have huge problems and be struggling as much as I am. I need to try and give people more slack. I need to stop thinking that no one else has ever had mental health problems and they don't understand it/me. Because, I am sure many of these people will.

But, then on the other hand, I am surrounded by kids. Many of them are still living sheltered lives. Don't understand mental health and see mental health and self harm as something crazy people do. Maybe, I am being a bit harsh. But, I can't help the way I feel. It annoys me that many of the people in the class probably don't want to be there. But, they have to be as they need to be in education or training of some form until they are 18/19. The course doesn't cost them anything and they have probably seen it as the easy option. So they chose that thinking it would be fun. Then, there's me who is paying over 5k a year to go to college to learn these new skills so that I can make something of myself. It just annoys me. I had my chance though. I did get my free education, I have been their age and did A Levels as I didn't want to work in a shitty job. I was 18 when I went to college. I got my A Levels that I didn't have to pay for. Then I went to uni to get my degree. So, I can't moan I suppose, I had my opportunity. But, saying that, I wasn't forced in to college etc. The government didn't say I had to be in education or training. Young people are choosing courses now because they have to be in education, and courses like I'm doing, are possibly seen as the easy option. So, that is tough. When you have people who don't really want to be there there, and I'm there and paying so much. It's annoying. I went to college and did A Levels because I wanted to be there, and everyone I was with also wanted to be there.

OK rant over.

I'm An Awful Person!

It's probably jealousy. But, I am an awful person and I have had some horrible thoughts.

Someone told me their honeymoon got cancelled and I thought it was amusing.

Someone I know has just told me they are going to try for a baby. My initial thoughts were that I hoped they had problems conceiving. How awful is that? I should be happy for this person. But, I can't. I am jealous. I don't want her life to all fall in to place. Married and then have kids etc. I think it is because I am jealous. I want a baby more than anything. I really want children. But, I am too scared and don't really want to be in a relationship.

I can't really look after myself, so how would I look after a child. I know that I would never do anything to myself if I had a child and I would be responsible etc. But, it's not really right for me to bring another person in to the world when I can barely support myself, never mind have someone else relying on me. I know that I could make it work. But, at the same time I think I should probably wait until I have a stable income etc. I know I could make it work now. And, I know what I want to do career wise, it's not something that I couldn't do if I had children. So, I don't need to worry about getting successful in a career. I am scared that if I do wait until it is the "right time", I will be too old. I worry because of the PCOS and not having a proper cycle I won't be able to conceive. So, what happens if I wait a few years and then I can't. I will have lost my chance won't I?

I don't understand why I want children so much. I see pregnant people and I am jealous. I see people with nice well behaved children and I am jealous. I see people who are not really great parents and I am angry because I think that I could do much better. Or, I think I wouldn't speak to my child like that etc etc etc.

One main thing getting in my way at the moment is the lack of a man on the scene. Of course I would go and do the get pregnant after a casual relationship. But, I worry what people would think of me. And, I worry people will know I did it on purpose and they'll think I am a horrible person because I have used someone to get what I want and that then they are always going to be connected to me, even if they don't want to be as they will be the father. Even if they aren't Dad, they will be the father and will always be a presence, whether physical or not.

I think now a days, getting involved with a person who already has children, a single mother, doesn't come with the same stigma as it has done in the past. I think it's quite a common thing. SO that doesn't worry me too much. But, what if I had a child and then I met the perfect man and I wished I had waited. I don't think I would. If I did find this so called perfect man, we could always have more children, or at least he would be happy being a family even if the child wasn't his.

There are so many thoughts I have about this. I know I really want children and soon. But, I don't know what the thoughts are so consuming. Why?

Struggling

I am really struggling with this new life style. I am struggling to cope. I am not sure if I made the right decision. I am not sure if I can carry on coping. The work load is about twice as much as I expected. My life is consumed by what I am doing. I have no time for me. And the thing is, I can't give up anything. I don't want to stop going to spin classes and the gym because I really enjoy it. I need to continue to do it. I need to lose more weight, I need to have confidence. The exercise gives my mood a boost, so I need to make sure I make time for it. Also, I can't lose weight without exercising. And I need to do 60minutes high intensity cardio at least three times a week. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have been hovering around the same weight for the last few months. I can't seem to get any lower. I am watching what I eat, but the weight is not coming off. I am wondering if it is something to do with the PCOS. But that is something that is getting me low at the moment. So, in terms of everything I need to keep it up.

I need to see my friends (well friend, but that is a whole other blog in itself). I need to have my social activities etc. I suppose that doesn't need explaining as to why it's important.

Then, I have a group that I go to. I learn a lot from it and I can make connections. That is also important in terms of my career.

I feel I am consumed by college, and we're only 3 weeks in. I have been told the work load will increase. I am not sure if I am going to be able to manage it. I can't really now.

And, college is annoying me. I am learning a lot. But, each night before I  am due to go in I feel a sense of dread. I don't want to go. I just want to spend the day in bed instead. That's not a good sign is it.

A lot of the people on the course, I feel don't really want to be there. They have chosen it as the easy option because they have to be in education until they are 18. Or they are under 20, so can get access to a college course and do it and still get their benefits. They are disruptive, they turn up late, they just don't give a damn. And when you are trying so hard to keep a focus on something because I struggle with concentration anyway, and I am trying so hard just to keep a focus and you have people deliberately disruptive, being a class clown trying to get attention, it is so annoying. One girl today just kept shouting out, then breaking in to song for the sake of it, and I could hear her talking to another girl saying shall I shout that out about something stupid, a word or something that made her laugh.

Although, to be fair, I wonder if this girl has some kind of behavioural issues. She's 25 and acting like that. It's not a normal behaviour. My other theory is that she is trying to mask that she doesn't really know what she's doing and she's drawing attention to her behaviour rather than admit she needs more help. But, then wouldn't you once you had reached a certain level of maturity admit that you are struggling. There's no shame in asking for help.

There are a couple of nice people. But, I just find myself getting so annoyed by people. There's one lad who is lovely. So polite, speaks properly, acts like a gentleman etc etc etc. But, because he is like this people take the piss out of him. Why do people do that, why take the piss out of his nice character. People are so horrible at times.

So for me at the moment, my thoughts of suicide are in massive over drive. The self harm thoughts are pretty constant. But, I keep telling myself, I am going to a spa day in 4 weeks. If I cut (which is the massive urge) I will feel even more self conscious than I am already going to do. I need to hold out until after this day. Then I can cut. G said just tell myself it's just a thought. But, when I start to experience huge anxiety from it and I am laying in bed at night picturing doing it and not being able to sleep because of it. Then it is more than a thought.

I am so tired. I can't keep fighting these urges. It needs to be cutting that I do as that is the one that releases most. I need to release that tension. I need to be able to talk about being stressed without not wanting to burst in to tears. And because I am worried I will start crying if I talk to anyone about it, I can't talk to anyone. So, it's why I've not spoken to a tutor about how I feel.

Will History Repeat?

I am really struggling. The thoughts are in overdrive. I am overwhelmed by this new course. It's so full on and so much work, and we have only been there a week and have been told that the work load will increase. This is harder than my degree.

I am not sure I will be able to cope with it. If after a week my thoughts of self harm and ending it are so intense, how are they going to be when the work load increases. How am I going to be able to keep a lid on it when I am tired and when I am stressed? I am not sure I will be able to.

I am so scared of failing at it that the thoughts of ending it now before I fail are strong. It's so frustrating.

I saw Dr T on Friday. I had to run to the toilet after as I was in tears. I won't be going to see him again. He doesn't listen. He is not helpful. I am not going to go through the anxiety of having to go to the appointment before going and then feeling shit after the appointment. So, I need to get a letter fired off to the person who deals with it.

I am a bit of a mess at the moment. I am feeling stressed. I have a constant headache and I am worrying about how much work I have to do and worrying about the standard of my work. I am not happy with what I have done so far and I don't have the time or resources to go back and re do it.

I really don't know how I am going to be able to cope with this. I don't think I will be able to do it.

I Know Why...

I know exactly why I am having suicidal thoughts at the moment. But, that doesn't make it any better does it.

So, I feel like this because I have started college. My schema for failure is in overdrive. I am so scared I am not going to be able to manage the course. I am scared I won't be able to keep up with the work or be as creative as the others. I am not a creative person. I can take a good photo, yes, but, when it comes to being arty, it's not what I am good at. I am not an arty creative person. I am a thinker, I like science. I appreciate art, I do. But, I just can't do it.

So, that failure schema is active at the moment. I think I am going to fail. So, in return, I am thinking "well, why not just end it all, you won't have to deal with the worse feelings when you fail". I think, if I am right this is called counter attack of the schema. I am running away from it. I am struggling to see what the healthy adult response would be. I think it would be something a long the lines of that I have managed at masters level, this is a different level. Not as academic, I should be able to do it. I will only be in 3 full days a week. That means I have 2 days to look after myself properly and de stress.

But, even if I tell myself these healthy adult responses I am not believing them. I am heading more towards the counter attack of it.

I was reading through my first blogs from way back in 2010. When the self harm was serious and when it started again. It started again just as I started the course. Something that was said to me by a mental health nurse was he wondered if I was self sabotaging. At the time I couldn't see his point and thought it was a stupid idea. Getting on to the SW course was something I had worked towards for so long, I wanted to be there. But, I can see his point now. And, I have to be really aware it's not the path I head down. If, things started like they did before, the way of self sabotaging would be that 1  - if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out. And 2 - If I became ill again it would be someone else making that decision for me. It wouldn't be me failing. It would be someone else saying that no, I couldn't do it because I was ill, it was making me ill and it wasn't the time for me to be putting myself under pressure.

So, what do I do though. Just because I am aware of why, it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel shit, I am still living with the urges and feelings every day. It impacts my daily life.

What people in services see is recovery being that you have insight. I suppose I have come a long way in terms of that. But, having insight doesn't make things easier. Just because you are aware of why you feel like you do, it doesn't make it any better. I suppose sometimes it does. If there are a couple of small things that can be changed. That can help. But generally with me, it's a combination of things. Bigger things that I have no control over. I suppose the main things at the moment are that this thing with college. I can't walk away from it saying the time is not right. It could all work out ok, I may enjoy it. But, my worry is I won't. But, I have to try, because if I don't I worry about what other people will think. I don't want to live my life like it is at the moment. I need more of a focus. While I am getting by ok, it would be nice to be able to save money. It would be nice to be able to go where I want when I want. It would be nice to earn my own money and not rely on benefits. I am sure most people see me as benefit scrounging scum. People who don't know me. And then even friends who make snide comments etc. I am sure they think I am living the life of Riley while they go out to work and earn their money from working. It's not that easy for me. And hopefully, anyone who reads this who has MH issues will understand. But, most people don't. A huge issue of mine is what people think. People say it doesn't matter. But it does. It really does. So, I can't walk away from this because I am scared, because I am not sure but think it could possibly make me worse.

So, because of what people think, I am going to give this a shot. I may enjoy it. But, at least if it does make me ill, I don't have to worry too much about what people think. It will be proof that I can't manage. Not just me telling them, but concrete proof.

The other thing that I have no control over is the things with my family. Their drinking, particularly my Mum's. And also their relationships with each other. Everyone slags the other one off to me. I hate it, it makes me sad. But, I can't walk away from it. I moved out, which has helped. But things are still bad.

And then because there are a lot of things that make me bad that are out of my control, I have issues around control. I try to keep hold of it. And then all of a sudden I have to give in. I have to hand the reigns over to someone else and let them take that control. I suppose I surrender.

Does having insight help others?

So, I am not really sure what to do. Not sure when I am next seeing the Psychologist. He's the person I want to speak to. Someone who knows me. If I had a CPN I would be calling her or him. But, at the moment I need someone who knows me. Not someone who will ask me about my childhood etc. So, I am not sure of the point in talking to someone from the duty team. They will just tell me to distract myself. Not what I need at the moment. I need to speak to someone who knows me. And at the moment, I only have that one person really. That's another reason why I want a CPN. I can't rely on my psychologist all the time.

I have an appointment with DR T next week, but I don't like him and make sure I only talk to him about medication. I don't find him the most compassionate of people. So, I am not able to open up to him.

So, I suppose for the time being my thoughts will just stick with me. I will try and let the healthy adult in more. But, I am not sure how I can do that.

Terrified

I am really scared about going to college. I am worried I won't be able to handle it. I am worried history is going to repeat itself. When I started uni, that is when things started to go down hill. Before I was even put under any pressure. On day one of induction I had taken an OD and ended up in hospital. Then I was seriously cutting.

I can see thought patterns emerging now that were then. That worries me. But, I suppose it's good that I notice these.

I worry that due to me being with a load of kids I am subject to bullying and ridicule when they see the scars on my arms. Most of the people I will be with are 16. Not exactly understanding of MH problems. Maybe I need to give them more credit, but it is something that worries me.

I haven't seen my psychologist in about 3 weeks, and I am not sure when I will be seeing him next. It would have been really handy having someone on hand to talk to how I am feeling about things at the moment. Someone to help me put some order to it, to help me make sense of the thoughts.

I am not sure if I am feeling bad because I am physically unwell. But, on the other hand I am not sure how much the mental health is affecting the physical health. Have I got a virus because I am not doing so great mentally. Or, is the low mood etc there because I have this virus. I am trying to take care of myself and getting plenty of rest. I've barely left the sofa since Sunday.

I am worried about where things could be headed. And, it pisses me off because I have only just come out of hospital. I need more time in between episodes to get the strength to deal with the next one. I can't handle feeling like this.

I really am hoping it's because I have a virus that I feel shit.

Physical or Mental

I feel horrendous. I don't know what's wrong. I am so tired all the time and have no energy. I have lost my appetite (no bad thing), and I keep going through phases of being so thirsty nothing can quench it. Then this morning I woke up with a really bad stomach. Not nice.

But, I don't want to go to the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I have been so much recently because of mental health problems or problems that have occurred because I have done something to myself because of the mental health problems. And, as well, I worry that because I have mental health problems these symptoms could be put down to my mental health and be just another symptom.

It could well be.

I am worried I am heading for another low. It's not been long since my last one, only a couple of weeks. I am not saying things have been fantastic the last couple of weeks but there was a definite rise in my mood. But, I have noticed some bad thoughts and urges creeping back in. But could that be just because I am so tired and lacking energy?

I start college this week. Well, just an induction day. Then I am going to be in college 4 days a week. I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle it. From nothing to that, it's huge.

I am quite anxious about it all at the moment. It is possibly why I am feeling like I do.

:-(

Sleep

I'm so bloody tired. I haven't slept properly since Tuesday night. Then that was because I took 2 zopiclone, double quetiapine and I was sedated from meds I had had in hospital. The most I have had since then is about 4 hours in one night. I feel horrible. I am exhausted.

All day I have been feeling like I needed to go to bed. Then I get in bed and I can't get to sleep. I have taken a Zopiclone and hopefully that will help me drop off tonight.

I saw crazy patrol today. Two people came round to follow up on my discharge from hospital. I told them I hadn't been taking the haloperidol. They had a bit of a go at me for it and advised I start taking it again. To say it's an anti-psychotic and has sedating properties it has some strange side effects. I thought it was just me being weird about it, but apparently, agitation and anxiety is a common side effect. I didn't know this until after the people had left as I only researched it this evening. Low and behold, a couple of hours after taking it, agitation and anxiety. I wonder how much of it is psychological though as I now know it is a valid side effect. I am not taking it again. I can't deal with feeling like this.

But, I don't feel as though I can say anything. The quetiapine was doing something. On the whole it helped long term. OK, I had the bad patch which, I have just come out of. But, I have been taken off it. To Dr T though, they will use this as proof that it wasn't working. Dr T won't want to put me on anything else, despite me knowing they generally help. He said when he put me on it, if I OD on anything while on it he will take me off it. Well, I was doing quite a bit of that wasn't I? But generally, it was helping. I'm tempted to start buying it offline and continue taking it. But, I am not sure I can afford it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't like Dr T and I have to see him in about 2 weeks. I can't keep taking the haloperidol. If it was up to me I would put me back on the meds I was on last year. Again, they used the OD (the one that nearly killed me) as a way of saying that medication wasn't working.

I don't know what to say. I suppose the most stable I have been in a long time is the last year. And that has been the lamotrigine and quetiapine. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes too. And that has helped. But, I do feel it's a combination of everything.

At the same time. I hate taking medication. I wonder what I am putting in to my body, what the long term effects are, that it's a reminder every night and every morning that I am not right. That I am not normal. But, I worry about stopping it and getting worse. I know that I was off medication for a couple of months last year, it was an awful two months. So, surely that shows that medication does help?

Or, is this all me? Wanting to put some external focus on my problems. But, then on the other hand, I've had more two and a half years of therapy now. Yet, I still have the same problems. G says I am doing better and I am dealing with things better. That things that would have set me off before, don't know and I can deal with them in a much healthier way. But, I am still having hospital admissions. 3 this year. But apparently, me saying yes I'll go in for respite is progress and a sign I am in recovery, or working towards it. It seems as though the last 3 years has not been about making me better, but about me learning to live with it all. Admitting when I need help. The experiences are the same. I am not happy with that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life fearing the next low. Then going through the low believing I would be better off dead and making plans to follow through with that belief. But then they say the more I fight against it and not surrender to it that each time it will become more easy. How the fuck do they know that.

I'm really not happy with the care I am receiving at the moment. I feel as though I have a constant fight on my hands. It's draining.

Out Of Hospital

I discharged myself Tuesday. So I was in a week. But, it worked. The time away meant that I was kept safe and didn't seriously harm myself. It gave me some time out and in a space where I was able to seek out help when I needed it. It meant that I didn't have easy access to means to end my life.

The delivery of medication never came. And, I contacted the company and told them I hadn't received them and could I please have a refund. And they agreed. Turns out they hadn't taken the money yet as there was a problem with the order and hadn't processed it yet. So that was quite easy.

I am not quite right still. It doesn't help they took me off Quetiapine. They stopped it all in one go. Luckily I had some spare at home so I am trying to taper the dose off myself. I get bad withdrawal from it. They have put me on 5mg of Haloperidol twice a day. I've been bad though and I have not been taking it. It makes me feel horrendous. For the last couple of days I was in hospital I felt really sedated and at the same time highly anxious and everything was fast. If that makes sense. It was like I was in a kind of mania but sedated at the same time. It works well as PRN medication for me usually. So I think I will let them think I am taking the medication and it's ok. That way I have some when I need it as PRN.

Does anyone else have experience of taking H as a standard medication? Do you get over the side effects? If you keep taking them do things even out? I don't feel I can talk to Dr T about anything. I don't have a good relationship with him. I was going to say things were OK before. But, I suppose judging by my last low and what I was doing, they weren't.

I have a couple of people coming from my team tomorrow. I think I am going to ask for a new doctor. I have had the same one coming up to 4 years now. And, I think it's time for a fresh pair of eyes.

Shit!!!!!

Was feeling pretty calm and ok. I'd had an ok day. Went swimming. Saw family. But then I saw an opportunity. I swallowed a battery. Why? I don't know. I've had opportunity all day to self harm etc. I could have done anything. But I get back on the ward. Back not much more than 2hours. And I do that. I'm fucking crazy.

It's probably a sign that hospital isn't working. Perhaps I need to be honest and tell them tomorrow that it's not working for me.

Seeing psychologist tomorrow. Worried about his reaction to what I've written about things the last couple of weeks. Some pretty dark miserable stuff. I keep a thought journal as well as this blog. It makes dark depressing reading.

Meh!!!!!!

Struggling In Hospital

It's my 4th night here now. Still really struggling. Been swallowing things as well. I feel the need to do something worse. I've taken medication but the urge is still there.

My normal medication has been changed. I'm no longer going to be on Quetiapine. Instead, I'm going to be on haloperidol 3x a day at 5mg. It really works for me as prn so hopefully it will help. I've also had the mood stabiliser increased. So hopefully it will help me.

The ward is quiet and settled which is good.

Despite being in hospital still having major thoughts of ending it. And yesterday I snuck off home to see if the medication I ordered had arrived. I'm beginning to think I've been done on this. I need to email the company. It's the same one I ordered Quetiapine from a few months back and that was real and came. So don't know what's occurring there?!

For now though. I'm just going to have to thy and smoke through it.

Hospital So Far.

Could have been worse. But then I don't remember most of yesterday. Before I found out I'd got a bed I took quite a high dose of anti psychotic meds. I thought it would just chill me out and make me sleep most the day. I didn't account on it suddenly hitting me about 7hours later and not being able to move or talk. I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was drooling all over myself. My legs couldn't support me.

I tried to hide it by getting in bed but the doctor came to see me and wanted me out of bed. I couldn't get my words out at all. So they cottoned on that I'd taken something and made me go to hospital. I kept coming round and being ok for a while. I refused to stay at the hospital and came back to the ward. Then the doctor came again to talk to me. Can't remember what happened really. But I was falling asleep as he was talking to me and him and a nurse kept shouting at me to stay awake.

Then half an hour later I was fine again. Went out for a cig and got back in bed and kept spilling scolding hot tea on me as I kept falling asleep. It was all quite surreal. I really didn't think that that amount of medication would have such an effect on me. It wasn't even 4x the max prescribed dose.

Today I've been very anxious. Urges are high. I've tried to be good. I've sought out a staff member and come out my room because there was too much temptation for me. I've taken some prn medication so I am hoping that that will kick in soon. It usually works well for me this particular combination. So I need to give it chance to work on me.

The ward I'm on is pretty quiet. So that's good. Hopefully I can manage this stay without informing my family.

I want to manage on my own. They are not helpful anyway when I'm ill. I tell them I don't want them to visit anyway so can't see point in telling them I'm here.

Found A Bed

Going to hospital for a few days. They did find a bed in the end. I am going to use it as some respite and will use the staff so that I don't harm etc.

3 Years...

The problems have been going on much longer than 3 years. I first went to a doctor about my problems in 2006. But, it is 3 years today since I was first hospitalised. After pretty much a year in hospital, the majority of this spent on Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), where have I come? Where am I?

The main thing I would say is I am more aware of what causes the mood changes. How something spirals for me. How smaller things build up and I get sucked in to to the illness. Get engulfed by it. But, it being aware progress? It's still happening isn't it? I am still self harming. I am still making plans. I am still feeling the same as I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. OK, I suppose I can manage to stay well for longer. I have realised the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I cut down alcohol, I exercise, I eat well. But, when I get bad. I get bad. Just as bad, if not worse than I was before. Each time it seems worse. The self harm gets worse. The plans become more solid. So what do I do? I don't see a way out of this. 

I am more willing to accept help now. But, I feel as though I can't win. I don't like asking for help as I worry as I am being seen as attention seeking. I don't like to specify what helps and what doesn't because I worry that I will be seen as manipulative. I don't feel like I can speak out and voice how I am really feeling in case I am seen to be manipulating them. 

The feelings are getting stronger and more intense. But, I don't feel as though I can tell them that. Because, I am waiting for a bed in hospital. And I worry that if I say how much more intense the urges and feelings are getting then it looks as though I am saying "you best hurry up and get me a bed or I will do something to hurt myself". 

I feel that by saying I won't take a bed in a particular hospital (about 45miles away) that I am seen as being manipulative. I have my reasons about not wanting to take this bed. It's so far away and I don't know any of the staff, so have no relationship with anyone at all. I worry what this will do to my impulses etc...I don't feel as though I can win. I know from past experience I need to be around people I have a relationship with already. It helps me be more honest and open with them. Also, they can read me. They know what works for me as well. For instance, if hospital does not help and the risks increase because I am in hospital, they know that being in hospital is not good for me. So, they will discharge me. I worry that if I am somewhere I don't know and being in hospital made me worse, that the staff would counter act this by placing me in a more secure ward or putting me on a section. And then that would make me worse. 

In the past hospital admissions haven't been helpful. I am taking a risk saying I will go in. It may not help. But on the chance it will, I have said I am willing to be admitted. Also, I really can't keep myself safe at the moment. I am doing risky things and getting by taking small regular overdoses. My irrational mind tells me that because I was checked out at hospital on Friday, that it's obviously ok for me to carry on doing what I was doing. There is some rational thought in there somewhere. But, it's fleeting and I can't grab on to it.

One of the things that is always on my mind when having being diagnosed with traits of PD is that I am seen as manipulative. I have seen and heard many comments from professionals about people with the diagnosis. I feel that everything I do is being scrutinised and everything I do is labelled as a PD thing. That me self harming is just an attention seeking thing, that me saying no to a bed and still self harming is just manipulating them in to finding one in the hospital I would prefer. That me being honest and telling them how I feel and that I do need help is me being manipulative of them making them find a bed quicker.

I think being stuck with the label of a PD diagnosis or even PD traits is a bloody awful thing. I feel as though I am untreatable and that anything I do I am attention seeking. 

I'm torn as to what to do. Pull away because I don't want to be seen as though I am attention seeking (but risk things getting a lot worse), or ask for help but risk being seen as attention seeking and manipulative and possibly not getting treatment as if I am attention seeking it's best not to reward attention seeking behaviour.

I need help, I know that. But, does that necessarily mean I am attention seeking? Does having the insight in to the fact that I need help mean that I don't actually need it?

So, I feel pretty messed up over this. I wonder if I could manage on my own. Tell them that I don't need their input. To give it to someone who would benefit more. Someone who is suffering psychosis for instance. 

I think they are pretty much giving up on me anyway. I won't be seeing G for much longer. I do appreciate why. He can't go on seeing me forever. I can't carry on seeing him just because I like him and feel as though I can be honest with him. I do find the meetings helpful most of the time. I have found someone who I can open up to and I can trust that they are doing what's in my best interests. And, someone who tells it like it is. He will question me and make me think. And get annoyed with me when I am being stupid. But, I can't say how much it has helped over all in the grand scheme of things as I have nothing to compare it to. I can't say where I would be if I had had never had the therapy. 

It does worry me though that the medics say all I need is therapy, that medication isn't the answer. So, for the last 2.5 years I have been doing therapy. Medication isn't the answer apparently. So what is?

I feel like I have failed at the whole therapy thing. Surly after such intense work I shouldn't be where I am now. But, I do really like G. I am untreatable, I will always be like this. I am a drain on resources. 

At the same time though, if therapy is the answer, I don't want to stop it. I need to continue to work at it. I worry that if I stop, or see someone else I won't be able to open up to them. I will have to start all over again. 

I'm tired. All I can see is my life like this for the rest of my life. I have done what I have been told and I have got no where. I don't want to live my life as a constant battle of wanting to stay alive. I want to be normal.

Not Sure I Want Input Anymore

I don't want to work with the teams any more. I am not sure if it is helping. I don't want them coming round to my house. I don't want to work with them. I just want to be left alone and to get on with the plan I had. But, that's not going to happen is it.

Also, it's the irrational side of me talking. I still have some, a tiny part of rationality left in me. But, it is there. I am making stupid decisions. Some that could have potentially ruined my life. I was stupid. But, there is a big part of me that wants to run away. I want to go check in to a hotel and not be bothered by people on the HTT etc. I don't want to see my Doctor. I don't see the point in it. But, what is stopping me is I don't have the money to go hide out in a hotel. I have rinsed my savings in the last few months.

It's all so....I don't know. I can't think of the word.

Give It All Up...

Oh give it all up, the sun has set, No one's coming to rescue you
Oh give it all up, the sun has set, You know that guy is wrong for you
I thought it was the weekend
But where are my friends?
It's Friday night
Don't ever, don't ever let it end
This is not something that I do best
This is not a heart within my chest
This is not a subject I understand
This is not the evening we had planned
But I know you now like I knew you then
This will all repeat itself again
This is not the end, this is not the end
This is not the end, this is not the end
Friday night, I don't wanna wake up alive

Still Waiting

I don't expect there will be a bed today. And not over the weekend, so I guess it'll be next week.

I had a visit from crisis team yesterday. I had left some empty pill packets on the table and some things I had straightened out and then swallowed. He asked me about it and I couldn't lie. So I told him I had been taking small ODs as a form of self harm. I knew that taking those particular pill is not effective. It can cause damage long term, but, I don't think I am taking enough of it. Anyway, I told the guy who came and he asked me to go to ED. I said no. So, he said he was going to go and speak to his team. An hour later I have a phone call telling me he has called an ambulance as he has a duty of care etc etc etc. A bit after that I get a phone call from ambulance control asking me if I wanted one. I said no, it's ok thanks. So they said ok, we won't send one. And it was left at that.

I'm not going to sit in the hospital hours for them to tell me I don't need treatment and then be assessed by the psychology team within the hospital. They have no idea of anything about me, they go right back to the beginning asking things like when I first self harmed, what my childhood was like etc etc etc. Then write a letter to my GP and Dr T telling them a history that they probably know off by heart. And they usually get bits wrong, like my age, if I am in a relationship etc etc.

Bit worried though that they are still trying to get in contact with Dr T. I am worried what he is going to say. I think it will be one of three options. The first being that he says that I am pushing them by taking these ODs (it's not that, once I have taken a small OD I feel much more calm and chilled out, the anxiety goes, I feel as though I can sit and relax a little. But I am worried I may be seen as being manipulative or attention seeking. It's why I didn't tell them to start off with, they figured it out for themselves), and say I obviously don't want help if I am not engaging properly and am manipulating them in to getting a bed in a hospital I know, and I wouldn't have turned down a bed that they found 40miles away. For me the reason that I have turned down that bed there are a couple of reasons. One, it's bloody miles away. OK, I am not planning on telling family and friends where I am, but I don't want to be miles away in a place I don't know. Two, I have no relationship with the staff at all. I worry that being in an unfamiliar environment will make me worse and more impulsive as I don't feel as though I can approach anyone. If I do get worse, I worry that because the staff don't know me will flap and I will end up in a PICU, and on a downward spiral. And, I know that the ward they want to send me to is made up by more than half of the beds being dementia and elderly care. I worked on the ward years ago and because of this there were a lot of incontinent patients, there was never enough staff on the ward and was a horrible place.

So, that's why I have said I don't want to go there.

But, I am worried that Dr T may turn round and say because I am not seeking medical treatment and I am not engaging properly (as I have not taken an available bed) that he wants me to have a MHA assessment because of non engagement. I have never had one sprung on me before. I have been aware that they are going to happen. I have only ever had one in my own home, the rest have been while I was in hospital, either on a 136, from a 2 to a 3 or when I was informal and they changed it to a 2. The one that I did have in my own home I was informed the day before that they would be coming and at what time. So, I don't think they would just spring one on me. But, then on the other hand, I think if I knew they were going to do that I would do a disappearing act. Not sure where I would go, but I certainly wouldn't be around when they came to see me.

Reading this back it does sound as though I am manipulating people. It is not intentional. I am not sure if it is but I think it could be seen as though. I don't want to take the risk of going to a place I don't know and it making me worse and ending up on a section. I get scared and I can't control impulses and I don't think straight. Well, less straight than now even. I don't know any of the staff and don't have a relationship with any of them. At least at the main psych hospital which is local I know most the staff. I can talk to them and they know me quite well. Surly it's better to be in an environment that would be more therapeutic. I suppose the other hospital it would keep me safe. Maybe I should take the bed and ask that I am transferred as soon as a bed becomes available.

I'll give it a couple of hours and ring again and speak to the guy who I spoke to earlier.

Waiting...

The police were involved again last night. They came round with the mobile triage nurse. I had told crisis team on the phone how I was feeling and that I had been ODing as a self harm thing. Not enough to end my life. But, it chills me out a little and enables me to take a step back. I told them this last night, I got really pissed off at the woman I was speaking to and I hung up on her. Then a while later I have a phone call from the police telling me they are sending someone round to talk to me. They called an ambulance but I said I wasn't going as I knew the dose wasn't life threatening. They didn't make me go which was lucky.

So, spoke to duty again today and she said she had spoke to my doctor and they believed that I should consider an admission. I said I didn't really want to do that. I asked if it was possible to see someone first before they go and make the decision (I love how they make you think it's your decision). So within 30 minutes they had sent 2 people out to me. The first thing they said was I needed to be in and that essentially that was the plan. But, currently there are no beds available. So, I am on the waiting list. No idea how long it will be. It was a week last time. Pretty shit.

Can't say I am too keen on going in. Who would be. But, I know the option is me ending everything. The urges are so strong and are taking over.

I honestly believe at the moment that things would be better if I were not around. I wouldn't be a burden on people, I wouldn't mess up their lives, I wouldn't be enduring the suffering any more. People will get over it in time. I'm not going to get over this. Yes, that is selfish thinking, but, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life.

So, now, I just have the waiting to do.

Can't Be Cured

After over 2 years of therapy. I am still the same. Sometimes, I do feel as though I am getting somewhere, others, like now. I wonder what the point is. I like G, I really do. But, I wonder if therapy has helped at all. I have a better understanding of why I feel like I do. But, I still feel like I do.

Therapy is coming to an end. I have been told medication isn't the answer. Therapy is ending. So does that basically mean I am beyond help?

When I am like this I can't see progress. I still feel as though I am the same messed up person I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. I am aware of them which I wasn't before, but they are there.

G is great, he is. And, I don't want to lose him. But, I am not sure me saying that I need him because I have a relationship with him and I can be more honest with him than I can with anyone. He reads me well and can help me put some order to my thoughts and give them some validation, I can offload at him and he doesn't flap. It is useful seeing him, but, I don't think he is the person meant to be doing that for me. He is a psychologist, and I am not sure how much psychology is useful. It's the having someone I know, someone who reads me and can make me feel a bit less confused that is. I understand that probably isn't his role and it can be filled by someone a whole lot less expensive. So, I understand why our relationship has to end. It doesn't mean I am ok with it though.

I feel even more defective, I feel like a lost cause. For so long I have been told that therapy is the answer, and if I work at it I will get better in time. Well, I've been doing that. Yet, here I am still. I am still making plans. Cancelling plans with friends because I am not sure if I will be around, cancelling plans because, once the delivery comes I want to be on my own and really think it through and make the best decision.

I am not sure what the point in crisis team etc is. I call them and I am just told to distract myself. I've tried that. I wouldn't be calling if I hadn't. But then they tell me the same thing again. I was supposed to have an appointment today, but I decided I can't see the point in going. I can't see the point in having any input from them. I have had input the last 3 years and still end up in the same place.

So, I am kind of lost at the moment.

Update

Things are all going to shit. Urges in massive overdrive. Plans are being made and  I am waiting on a delivery. I am reaching out though. It's a back up. A just in case.

I am not sure I have made the best decision in going to college. I am not sure if I can do it. I am worried about the extra debt I will be getting in to. On the other hand, there is no way I could hold down a job at the moment. At least college is just a few hours each week.

And then the thoughts start again. I am not able to handle a job. I haven't been able to in a long time. It's 3 years since I was first admitted to hospital. This time 3 years ago I was in a mess. On the 11th it will be 3 years since I was first sectioned. People say I have come so far. Really? I still have the same thoughts, the same processes. Maybe G is right? Maybe there isn't much point in us continuing. I come back to the same thing each time. The difference, I am more aware of what is causing it. This time it's an amalgamation of many things. Mainly though, it's how I feel about myself. I feel like a loser. 30. No kids, no job, no career, no man, nothing to show for myself, nothing to show for my life.

Losing weight has not made me feel any different. I am still the same person who's thinking scares oneself. Who's thoughts scares oneself. I have no confidence. I pretend on the outside. People think I am ok. People think I am doing better. For me I don't see a future. I don't see anything for myself.

I am finding myself not being able to make commitments to people as I am not sure if I will be around then. So rather than saying I can look after that child, or take someone to the airport etc, I am saying I am busy etc. I don't want to be dead, in hospital etc and have them let down because they can't do what I said I would do for them. I don't want to inconvenience people. It's mad isn't it?

Tonight the police were involved. I called crisis team and told them I was at the river. I didn't go there with any intentions. But while I was there and I started thinking of it as an option. So, I reached out. My thoughts were scaring me. The guy said he was going to have to call the police. So, I said ok, I'd go home. The last thing I need is being put on a 136 and then my family finding out as the AMHP called them to tell them he was doing an assessment for a section 2. So, I came home. I called the guy back and said I was at home now so he didn't need to call the police. But, half an hour later I get a police man at my door. He then called another guy who has a MH nurse with him and they patrol. So they came too. But, basically, as I have an appointment booked in tomorrow, they left me to it. I am trying to not do anything as I have my back up coming in the post. I don't want to be ill from something not working and it being an even bigger mess. So, the reason I am trying to keep myself safe, is not because I am not sure, it's because I am waiting for something that would work.

I basically told the guy the truth (well a half truth, nothing about a back up), that I was really struggling to keep myself safe. That I wouldn't call anyone now as was after 9 and when ever I have spoken to someone on that team before they have been useless. So, I can't see the point in doing it. I didn't tell him I have no intention of going to that appointment tomorrow. I can't really see the point in it. Also, it would be with someone I have never met before. I feel it really uncomfortable. At least if it's someone who knows me they can read me and can tell me what I am thinking without me being able to say anything. They can tell me what's going to happen, what they will do. I really don't know what they can do at the moment.

And, I don't understand my doctor. When I ask for medication he tells me no, and that medication won't make me feel better etc. And that he will not make any changes. So when I called them before, I said there was not much point in talking to him as he won't do anything and doesn't agree in medication, but they get in contact with him anyway and they said they had spoken to him and he was increasing my meds. Again, I am meant to be seeing him next week. Again, I can't really see the point.

I don't know why I reach out to people when I feel like this. They can't exactly do much. All they do is just tell me to distract myself. I only call them when I have exhausted my distraction techniques. I can't see the point in calling.

Anyway. That's it.

Time To Be Honest

I know I've got to do it. I suppose he needs to know the full picture of what's going on.

So tomorrow at the therapy session I'm going to tell G I've been making myself sick after eating.

I am a bit worried if it could lead to other things. But I suppose I'll have to take my chances.

I know it's not the best of habits. But it is self harm to me. A newly established one over the last few months.

This week I did it 3times. And the pattern emerged that I would do as much as I could. Drink a load of water. Then I'd get my needles out and blood let. The last couple of times quite a bit. I think the last time I hit an artery as when I took the needle out it wasn't just pouring out but shooting out.

It did worry me a bit. I suppose it's dangerous as with the purging left me light headed. What if I'd have passed out?

So tomorrow we'll be talking about that. In quite nervous. I've never mentioned it to anyone. I kind of wish at times he was a female. If I had still had my cpn I would have told her. It's sometimes easier to talk to a female about things like that.

Wish me luck.

Slacking

I have noticed in the last few months I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to. Or as much as I should. Writing on here helps me place things in to the right boxes in my head and gives me some order to my thoughts.

So where am I.

A bit lost again. Struggling again. The little voices in my head have got louder.

G thinks this is because I am stressed and have a lot going on. There is the thing with starting college, telling Uni I am not going back, stress with my family and stress with my friends.

But, even if this is the case, how I am feeling, even though I can attribute some of the way I feel to how I feel. It still sucks. I hate it.

G says I need to not reinforce my thoughts by acting on anything. If I don't act on the self harm urges or let the other thoughts get out of control I am positively reinforcing them. Not negatively. So, each time it will get easier and easier to deal with how I am feeling and the thoughts I have. I see where he is coming from. What I can't see is me actually doing that. OK, sometimes I have. But other times I haven't. I do end up giving in. Even now, I am telling myself that if it gets to the beginning of August and I still feel like I do, I will allow myself to do something. I am not saying end it all. But, I mean in terms of cutting. That's fair enough isn't it? I mean, It is over a month away still. It's not like I am not going to give it a good go.

I turned 30 not long ago. I feel shit about that. 30 was my base age growing up of what was old. Even when I was in my early 20's. People have been taking the piss out of me because I was feeling shit about it. But, they don't know the real reasons. Not how I really feel about it. I can't say it is, and I know they probably look at my life and all they see is me not working and going on holiday etc etc. They don't look beneath the surface and see what is really going on. I am probably doing it with them. But, they have careers, they have a house, they are in a long term relationship or at least able to think about going there. I am nowhere near any of these. I had all these ideas that by the time I was my age I would have it sorted. Not be in a position where I can't work as of the illness, not be too scared to go anywhere near a relationship. I would love to have some sense of normality in my life. Not walk around wishing I was dead. Not counting the medication I have in and then googling whether or not it would kill me, not thinking I need to swallow something. Not seeing swallowing something as a not really self harming thing. Not writing about swallowing something and going to the cupboard I keep things in and swallow something because even writing about it makes the urge uncontrollable.

I pictured being 30 as being married, having kids, having a nice(ish) house, having a career where I earn a decent wage and not being entry level. I have none of this. And, I am no where near getting any of it. From being about 13, I have known I have wanted kids. I always said by the time I was 25 I would like them. I saw people who said they wanted to wait until they were in their 30's as being quite odd. I wanted kids young. I wanted to be a young Mum. I wanted to be young enough so that when the kids are old enough and I have made money in a career I could go on nice holidays like my parents have done. OK, I know they're not happy. But still. Another thing I want is I wanted my kids to grow up with cousins who are close in age so that they could be friends. My nephews are 5 and 3 now. I suppose, they can be babysitters for me when they are older at least.

So, G asked me to think about a few things. He told me to write them down so I would remember. The thing is, although I wrote them down I am not exactly sure in what context he wanted me to think about them. Do I look at just one aspect, or to every area of my life. Every area would take me ages.

What schemas are active? What traps are there? What would the healthy adult response be?

Do urges/thoughts etc fit with my priorities, do they block me from achieving them?

Do urges/thoughts fit with meeting my needs or are they getting in the way of it?

What would the consequences be in terms of reinforcing schemas?

Are my priorities and needs the same as my values? What are they and how do you act so they are affective for you?

I really don't know where to start with this. It's like I have been given an essay to write and I have no idea what I am doing. It is harder than my bloody masters level social work essays. And I only have a week to think about it. I have know idea what I need to do with this.

Friends

I've been here before. I do have a massive sense of Deja Vu. And I think, it's approaching the time I need to do something about it.

Before my trip with them I had a few doubts. People have said to me a few times, that perhaps I need to find some new friends. I saw G on Wednesday last week. He put it in a slightly more diplomatic way. He said it sounded like my friends didn't meet my needs. And that I needed to think about how my friends met my needs. He wanted me to write a list.

This is basically what I have come up with...

In the unmet needs side of things, I have got...

I don't feel supported in what I do.
Feel as what ever I do do in trying to move on is scrutinised.

Basically with this, it comes from me wanting to change career all together. But, I feel any steps I have made with this have come under huge scrutiny and I feel that I am not getting any support. In the past few months I have seriously considered a career in photography. I really like it. I am quite good at it. With some teaching, I think I will be good. I have had professional photographers tell me I am good, but I need to learn how to use equipment properly and use professional equipment, not just my phone. So basically, that I have an eye and I can be trained in to being a photographer. So, I had decided I am going to leave Social Work behind for now and make a go of this. But it does mean going back to college. So I applied. I got an interview. And after loads of prep for the interview and the interview I got a place on the course. Bar one friend. No one wished me luck, no one said I hope you get on, no one congratulated me or asked me how it went. When I mentioned it it was like, oh, that's good. But with no enthusiasm at all. One of my friends, she contacted me during the day of the interview asking how I was feeling about it and wishing me luck. I had texts from her about an hour after the interview time asking me how it all went. She was supportive, she was thinking about me. But no one else does. I feel like they think I am just taking the piss and I should get any old job. I have been ill for enough time now and I should just move on.

Well, sorry, it doesn't work like that.

They make me feel guilty about how I spend my time. I've lost quite a lot of weight in the last year. I have been going to the gym and eating well. Well, most the times. As I write this I have a glass of red wine in my hand and have nuts near by. I don't brag about it or anything. But people have noticed I have lost weight. I've dropped 3 dress sizes. But then people say things like that it's easy to lose weight when you don't work. This is coming from a person who works part time so she doesn't have much of an excuse. But, it's just another dig. So because of this, I feel I have to censor what I say to people. I feel that people don't know me. If I say I was upset about something I am made to feel as though I am defective because I have been too sensitive for those feelings I have had. So I keep quiet about everything.

They don't understand my MH problems. I think that they think because I am not in hospital that I am well. That I should be working. They don't understand that every day is a struggle. That because I am not in hospital, it doesn't mean I am OK. Yes, I have improved since I was in PICU. But, it's not easy. I have found ways in which makes it a bit easier. But, in all honesty, I don't actually feel any different since hospital. I just don't act on things like I did before. But, that doesn't mean it's any easier for me. If anything it's harder for me.

I don't think they understand that there is no cure for the illness. It is something I will battle with for a long time. It's something I have to work bloody hard at. It drains me. Because of the illness, I have lost a career. Because of the way things are now, the career I had planned isn't really suited to me. So, i have chosen to follow photography. To be self employed and manage my own case load. I do have a good chance at making a career out of this. I have got the talent. But, I am not getting any support from them at all.

I need my friends to recognise my achievements. I just completed a massive challenge for me. I walked bloody miles and then climbed the highest mountain in the UK. Not one of them contacted me while I was doing it to ask how it was going, no one after. Then, when I saw them all after, no one asked how it went etc. I was quite upset by it. My family were all great. One of my friends (not from the same group) was too (I just want to add when I talk about friends I am talking about a particular group of about 6 of them, one of them, a different friend is totally amazing, she doesn't come in to this at all). But, no one sees what I have done as being an achievement for me.

They do have some good points though. They did visit me while I was in hospital. They kept in contact with me. I lost a lot of friends when I became ill. But, they were there.

When I want to go out and get pissed, dance like a fool, and forget shit. There is usually someone there to rely on to do that.

But, should I keep looking to the past to determine the future? In that, I mean, I have very little in common with them. I get upset by them. Are they good for me any more? Should I hold on to the past that they were there when I was at my worst. Or, move on? I feel guilty.

I was speaking, well more ranting to my other friend and my parents about it all. They said they are like that because they are probably jealous. Do they not realise I would swap places with them in a shot. Do they not realise I have lost a career. Something I worked towards for years. Something that has got me in nearly 20k worth of student debt for. I lost friends. I lost my life. I go through shit most days. I live my life wishing I was dead. I would have loved to have stayed at uni. Got my masters, to have a career, have a house, have a stable long term relationship, or even be in a position where I could enter a relationship, I would love to not rely on medication to give me some kind of stableness when it works.
So yes, I do get to go away quite a bit. But that is because my parents are really supportive. I get a lot from my parents. They are supporting me with the photography. They want me to succeed in that. And, it doesn't actually cost them that much more to take me with them. But, yes. I am lucky, I admit that. I have a supportive family. Family and my other friend have noticed some snotty comments on facebook from another friend about how I am going away soon with my Dad to Europe. Friend and family jumped to my defence immediately backing me up and saying how what the other girl had wasn't bad at all and she needed to think her self lucky etc.

But is it jealousy? I am upset and angry if it is. If it is, they can't be that good friends because they don't know me. They don't know me at all. I would give anything to be able to be in the career I worked towards for so long, to be in a position to be in a long term relationship, to not have to think through every step I make in case it sends me hyper or low. I am not saying their lives are full of roses. They also have their problems. But, is it too much to ask for for some support? Is it?

Oh. And this was my 500th post. Happy 500 to meeeeeee!

A Question.... Please Answer In Comments...

So, G has asked me to write what my friends give me. By this he means what needs of mine are met by my friends.

For a start I don't know what my needs are.

To me the whole exercise seems a bit of a pros and cons list of keeping these people as friends. To be fair, numerous people have said to me I need to find new friends. I think, that this, is probably a psychologists way of saying the same thing. But, as he can't actually say that to me too ( I don't think he can anyway), he wants me to make the decision based on fact.

He can probably see it all. He will know what my needs are. But, me being me. I don't have a clue.

So, my question, I think, is how do your friends meet your needs?

Thanks

Sleep

Insomnia strikes again tonight. I feel so stressed out. My head is a mess. Urges are in overdrive. Even having dreams about it. Last night I had a really graphic dream that my throat was slit and I was bleeding out. I had this really nice calm feeling. Despite them stitching it up, I kept opening it just to get that nice calm feeling. It was really detailed. I sometimes remember dreams. But nothing like this one. The last time I had such a vivid dream, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a premonition.

I know my fate is in my hands. But that worries me. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. It's never been one of my fantasies in terms of self harm. But, what worries me is that it could be a premonition that things are heading to crisis point. The point where I do something life altering on purpose, but as a spontaneous act. Sometimes, I do lose control. I am doing everything I can to try and keep control. In trying things like distraction, mindfulness exercises, getting out, seeing family, going to the gym etc. I've also been extra self medicating. I've needed it. I've needed the extra Quetiapine to get me through the day. I've needed to feel that spaced out feeling so I am not in overdrive with the urges. So I don't act on anything. I'm not sure it's the right thing to be doing. But when crisis team aren't very helpful, I've had to do something myself.

I'm stressed out about this coming weekend. I don't want to go. I am not ready to see everyone who I went on the trip with last week. I need space still. But if I don't go it will cause a huge blow up and the friendships will end but not on my terms. I've even considered making myself ill. Considered a load of laxatives and saying to doctors I don't know what's made me ill, hoping I end up in hospital because I can't keep fluids in. I considered faking appendicitis. Actually going as far as going to hospital with it. I looked up all the symptoms, would have been quite easy to fake. I even thought if they wanted to remove it just to be on the safe side I'd go through with surgery. How fucked up is that? But then I realised how much money I'd cost the NHS and thought twice. Also, because I'd had previous abdominal surgery, it would be most likely it would be open. Not keyhoLe. Thus, not being able to go to the gym for a few weeks. Thought that could actually make my mood worse off in the long run, especially when comparing it to my agony of not wanting to go this weekend.

So, I've decided to suck it up, try as best I can to put on a happy face and make it look like I'm having a great time. I don't want any focus on me at all this weekend. I don't want people asking if I'm ok, and then giving people a reason to bitch about me behind my back. It's not just that I don't want the paranoia, this weekend isn't about me. The focus is on the bride to be.

That makes it sound as though it's usually about me, doesn't it? It's not. But, people don't understand my problems. It's not just being sad. Or a bit down in the dumps,  or being a miserable party pooper. But, I think that's how they view me. I try as hard as I can to put on this facade of being ok. But, try as I might, it usually breaks.

I have a feeling that I'm going to come back from this weekend totally drained. I know that's pessimistic. But, being with a group of people for any length of time does that to me. I can't cope with it.

I suppose I'm quite a solitary person. Not sure if I've always been like that. I've been uncomfortable in groups for quite a while. I get anxious, I get paranoid. I prefer the company of one other person, not lots of people. I always feel as though I'm on the outside.

Maybe it's because I don't have much in common with the groups I tend to associate with. I don't know. But I feel like an outsider.

Lonely

How can I be in a city of nearly 1.5million people and be lonely? Because of the people I was with.

And, as I expected, I have crashed. I am an emotional wreck. I think, well, I hope some of it is jet lag. So, I am doing what I can to look after myself to combat that.

I know I haven't been feeling all that great for the last couple of weeks anyway. So, I wonder if what I experienced was me not rationalising things properly. But, even if my experience wasn't real, my emotions are.

I felt constantly paranoid that as soon as I left them as a group they would bitch about me behind my back. They would form a little circle and chat and not make space for me to join in. It was little things. Not be allowed to get breakfast or dinner because they weren't hungry because they had had pizza or burger at 6am after getting in after drinking. But I hadn't eaten since 8 the night before.

So, now I feel shit. I am over emotional. I was feeling shit before I went anyway. I had quite bad urges to self harm and I kept telling myself wait until you get back. So, now I am back, and I have given in to the urges and I have SH. It's what they class as bad. But, I don't.

I tried calling crisis team. But, they weren't much good. Basically told me to watch some more TV and if I still felt bad in a couple of hours to call them back. I am emotional wreck. I am crying at everything. For instance one of the girls I went on the trip with put her profile picture as a a group shot that I wasn't in. There were quite a few group shots where we were all in it together and was a nice picture. But in my stupid irrational head I see that as a personal insult. Stupid isn't it?

My sleep is messed up too. I am going to sleep ok, but waking up a couple of hours later and can't get back to sleep. This morning I woke up at 3am, didn't get back to sleep until 6ish. But, then I didn't wake up until 11.15. Went out for a cig and laid back down on my bed and woke up again at 1.30pm. But, I feel as though I could go to sleep now. I am exhausted. I am totally drained. I am over emotional and crying at everything.

I keep thinking about ways in which I could end things. I did a medication count yesterday. Not really a good sign is it? I don't have enough anyway. But, I probably would when I fill my new prescription next week.

I am meant to be going on a hen weekend next weekend with the same girls I was with last week. I really don't want to go. So much so I have been looking up illnesses I can fake that are serious. If I could land me in hospital that would be a bonus. But, it couldn't be something I had done myself. Or maybe, I could take something like a load of laxatives, not say I had done it and get admitted for a gastro thing and get put on a drip. Good way to lose weight too. I lost about a stone when I got back from travelling and my knee infection caused me gastro problems as the infection had got in my blood.

If I don't go because I don't want to go, then, I will never be forgiven. At least if it's something like this, it is out of my control. Well, in their opinion it is.

I need to put more thought in to it really.

Falling Over The Hurdles.

I seem to have crashed. Since getting back from Scotland. I have just dropped. Not sure why. I am going to the US on Friday and I should be excited, I should be happy. But I have this sense of anxiety over it. It hasn't helped that there has been a slight argument between myself and one of the girls and I am upset and angry by it. But, I was feeling bad before that. But that hasn't helped things at all.

I saw G today and he picked up on it. I said I didn't understand why I had crashed like I had and why I was being so pessimistic about this trip.

I was feeling a bit pessimistic about going to Scotland and I was worried about that. I think that took over and now I am back from that, I am now focusing on this. The trip was all very spontaneous. I wanted to go as I didn't want to miss out. But, saying that. I am not sure if these are the people I want to go with. I love my friends I really do. But we like different things. They like touristy, gimmicky shit, and I suppose where we are going is just this. But, they want to pay extortionate money for this trip, that I wasn't happy with. So that caused a big argument. They want to go to clubs every night paying around $50 to get in. I don't like clubs, so I am not willing to do that. But, I have said for them to book their tickets as I would rather go out for a bit and then go back earlier so I can be up earlier the next day to make the most of the sunshine and the pool. Not spend all day in bed, feeling sorry for myself with a hangover and then force it up on my self the next night. For me a holiday isn't about no sleep, and pushing my body to the limit in terms of alcohol etc. I know if I do that I really will crash when I get home. I know I'll have the jet lag to contend with, so I don't really want to be dealing with that as well. I can't tell them that as I will then get accused of not living for the moment, thinking the worst is going to happen etc etc etc.

I keep thinking that with the money I have spent on this so far and the money I have saved I could have gone to Australia for a couple of weeks and seen my friend out there. I keep wishing I had done that. It's awful isn't it. I have had doubts about this trip from the beginning. I wish I had thought it through properly. But, I said yes when I was asked and handed over £700 the next day. I didn't think about it. I didn't remember how last time I went away with them about 8 years ago I cried when I got home as I hated being away that much. All I thought was I am going to miss out.

Maybe it will be amazing. Maybe I will be ok. But, I know what I am like. I need space. I need time out. I went away with a couple of them for 3 nights in February. It was a relaxing weekend. But, I found come the 3rd night I needed away from them. I needed space. I can't live in another persons pocket. I need me time. Another reason why I don't want to go out at night and go clubbing is so I can come back earlier have some time on my own and then in the morning have some time on my own by the pool.

Anyway. G's theory was that I don't see every problem as a big picture. I see the one that is nearest to me, tackle that and then move on to the next one. I did agree as I have not let myself be worried about this trip as I was worried about Scotland. I have taken one thing at a time.

I feel like I am falling over at hurdles, while trying to carry my half empty glass.

I nearly self harmed last night. I didn't though. I got out what I needed. Then thought I will just have a cigarette first. I chain smoked 4 and then by the time I had done that the urge had passed so I didn't. I told G this and he had a big smile on his face. I am glad he thought I had done well. But sometimes it can feel a bit patronising. I don't see it as a big deal and he does. I think, so what, I didn't SH, I actually nearly dealt with the situation in a normal person way, but I am not normal person as a normal person wouldn't have the whole urge to SH. So, I didn't SH, but I still had that thought and that makes me defective.

That's how I feel about me. I just want to make my point on that clear. Not, how I feel about people who SH in general.

I also think along the lines of, well so what, I didn't do it now, but there will come a time again in the future when I will. I can't say I will never SH again. I am not even sure if I want to not SH again. It is like a drug. I need it. Even thinking about it now and how it makes me feel when I do it is making me want to do it. And because of that I start crying. Great.

My brother said something earlier which was kind of nice. I said how I was worried that my wanting to be careful with the money I spend over there was annoying the girls as one of them got the impression that I thought how I spent my money was more important than how they spend theirs. I said I worried I would be getting stick behind my back about my money as it is money that I have saved from the benefits I have got. So, not really my money. That they have worked for their money and worked hard. He told me not to think like that as what I have been through is far worse than any job, what I am living with day in day out, makes it my money. Makes it money I have earned. And so basically, if I feel they are making a dig at me, I should remind myself how I was so ill I was practically in prison for a year. That, I was so ill, I nearly died.

I try not to talk to anyone about the money I get as I know it causes bad feeling. I am basically seen as benefit scrounging scum. They don't understand me at all. They don't have an idea what it's like to be debilitated by your mood. To want to end your life as you don't want to live like it any more. If I try and explain, they say things like well, we all get sad sometimes, have you tried this this and this as though I am dealing with it in the wrong way. That I let it affect me too much. It's not always external things that cause it. So, it is not me being over sensitive.

I've got to stop writing now. I am just making myself more and more upset.