After over 2 years of therapy. I am still the same. Sometimes, I do feel as though I am getting somewhere, others, like now. I wonder what the point is. I like G, I really do. But, I wonder if therapy has helped at all. I have a better understanding of why I feel like I do. But, I still feel like I do.
Therapy is coming to an end. I have been told medication isn't the answer. Therapy is ending. So does that basically mean I am beyond help?
When I am like this I can't see progress. I still feel as though I am the same messed up person I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. I am aware of them which I wasn't before, but they are there.
G is great, he is. And, I don't want to lose him. But, I am not sure me saying that I need him because I have a relationship with him and I can be more honest with him than I can with anyone. He reads me well and can help me put some order to my thoughts and give them some validation, I can offload at him and he doesn't flap. It is useful seeing him, but, I don't think he is the person meant to be doing that for me. He is a psychologist, and I am not sure how much psychology is useful. It's the having someone I know, someone who reads me and can make me feel a bit less confused that is. I understand that probably isn't his role and it can be filled by someone a whole lot less expensive. So, I understand why our relationship has to end. It doesn't mean I am ok with it though.
I feel even more defective, I feel like a lost cause. For so long I have been told that therapy is the answer, and if I work at it I will get better in time. Well, I've been doing that. Yet, here I am still. I am still making plans. Cancelling plans with friends because I am not sure if I will be around, cancelling plans because, once the delivery comes I want to be on my own and really think it through and make the best decision.
I am not sure what the point in crisis team etc is. I call them and I am just told to distract myself. I've tried that. I wouldn't be calling if I hadn't. But then they tell me the same thing again. I was supposed to have an appointment today, but I decided I can't see the point in going. I can't see the point in having any input from them. I have had input the last 3 years and still end up in the same place.
So, I am kind of lost at the moment.
About Me
- Kat Moss
- Well, what can I say without giving too much away about who I am. I suppose firstly I should say why I am writing a blog. It's for my own benefit really. I like looking back through old things I have written about and it makes me rememeber it. I have an awful memory and it's good to look back and see how I felt about something or even something happening. I used to keep a diary when I was younger but fear of it being found and also the amount of time it took me to write in it meant that I didn't really write in it that often. But, it was good to look back on things and see how things were at the time. I don't know how many people, if any will read this. I would like to think people would read it and I can remain totally anonymous. If I can't be honest on here then where can I be. No one knows me on here, no one knows I keep a blog so I have that security.
1 comment:
Please read that letter to yourself, it's all true
Good luck,
J
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