Terrified

I am really scared about going to college. I am worried I won't be able to handle it. I am worried history is going to repeat itself. When I started uni, that is when things started to go down hill. Before I was even put under any pressure. On day one of induction I had taken an OD and ended up in hospital. Then I was seriously cutting.

I can see thought patterns emerging now that were then. That worries me. But, I suppose it's good that I notice these.

I worry that due to me being with a load of kids I am subject to bullying and ridicule when they see the scars on my arms. Most of the people I will be with are 16. Not exactly understanding of MH problems. Maybe I need to give them more credit, but it is something that worries me.

I haven't seen my psychologist in about 3 weeks, and I am not sure when I will be seeing him next. It would have been really handy having someone on hand to talk to how I am feeling about things at the moment. Someone to help me put some order to it, to help me make sense of the thoughts.

I am not sure if I am feeling bad because I am physically unwell. But, on the other hand I am not sure how much the mental health is affecting the physical health. Have I got a virus because I am not doing so great mentally. Or, is the low mood etc there because I have this virus. I am trying to take care of myself and getting plenty of rest. I've barely left the sofa since Sunday.

I am worried about where things could be headed. And, it pisses me off because I have only just come out of hospital. I need more time in between episodes to get the strength to deal with the next one. I can't handle feeling like this.

I really am hoping it's because I have a virus that I feel shit.