I Know Why...

I know exactly why I am having suicidal thoughts at the moment. But, that doesn't make it any better does it.

So, I feel like this because I have started college. My schema for failure is in overdrive. I am so scared I am not going to be able to manage the course. I am scared I won't be able to keep up with the work or be as creative as the others. I am not a creative person. I can take a good photo, yes, but, when it comes to being arty, it's not what I am good at. I am not an arty creative person. I am a thinker, I like science. I appreciate art, I do. But, I just can't do it.

So, that failure schema is active at the moment. I think I am going to fail. So, in return, I am thinking "well, why not just end it all, you won't have to deal with the worse feelings when you fail". I think, if I am right this is called counter attack of the schema. I am running away from it. I am struggling to see what the healthy adult response would be. I think it would be something a long the lines of that I have managed at masters level, this is a different level. Not as academic, I should be able to do it. I will only be in 3 full days a week. That means I have 2 days to look after myself properly and de stress.

But, even if I tell myself these healthy adult responses I am not believing them. I am heading more towards the counter attack of it.

I was reading through my first blogs from way back in 2010. When the self harm was serious and when it started again. It started again just as I started the course. Something that was said to me by a mental health nurse was he wondered if I was self sabotaging. At the time I couldn't see his point and thought it was a stupid idea. Getting on to the SW course was something I had worked towards for so long, I wanted to be there. But, I can see his point now. And, I have to be really aware it's not the path I head down. If, things started like they did before, the way of self sabotaging would be that 1  - if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out. And 2 - If I became ill again it would be someone else making that decision for me. It wouldn't be me failing. It would be someone else saying that no, I couldn't do it because I was ill, it was making me ill and it wasn't the time for me to be putting myself under pressure.

So, what do I do though. Just because I am aware of why, it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel shit, I am still living with the urges and feelings every day. It impacts my daily life.

What people in services see is recovery being that you have insight. I suppose I have come a long way in terms of that. But, having insight doesn't make things easier. Just because you are aware of why you feel like you do, it doesn't make it any better. I suppose sometimes it does. If there are a couple of small things that can be changed. That can help. But generally with me, it's a combination of things. Bigger things that I have no control over. I suppose the main things at the moment are that this thing with college. I can't walk away from it saying the time is not right. It could all work out ok, I may enjoy it. But, my worry is I won't. But, I have to try, because if I don't I worry about what other people will think. I don't want to live my life like it is at the moment. I need more of a focus. While I am getting by ok, it would be nice to be able to save money. It would be nice to be able to go where I want when I want. It would be nice to earn my own money and not rely on benefits. I am sure most people see me as benefit scrounging scum. People who don't know me. And then even friends who make snide comments etc. I am sure they think I am living the life of Riley while they go out to work and earn their money from working. It's not that easy for me. And hopefully, anyone who reads this who has MH issues will understand. But, most people don't. A huge issue of mine is what people think. People say it doesn't matter. But it does. It really does. So, I can't walk away from this because I am scared, because I am not sure but think it could possibly make me worse.

So, because of what people think, I am going to give this a shot. I may enjoy it. But, at least if it does make me ill, I don't have to worry too much about what people think. It will be proof that I can't manage. Not just me telling them, but concrete proof.

The other thing that I have no control over is the things with my family. Their drinking, particularly my Mum's. And also their relationships with each other. Everyone slags the other one off to me. I hate it, it makes me sad. But, I can't walk away from it. I moved out, which has helped. But things are still bad.

And then because there are a lot of things that make me bad that are out of my control, I have issues around control. I try to keep hold of it. And then all of a sudden I have to give in. I have to hand the reigns over to someone else and let them take that control. I suppose I surrender.

Does having insight help others?

So, I am not really sure what to do. Not sure when I am next seeing the Psychologist. He's the person I want to speak to. Someone who knows me. If I had a CPN I would be calling her or him. But, at the moment I need someone who knows me. Not someone who will ask me about my childhood etc. So, I am not sure of the point in talking to someone from the duty team. They will just tell me to distract myself. Not what I need at the moment. I need to speak to someone who knows me. And at the moment, I only have that one person really. That's another reason why I want a CPN. I can't rely on my psychologist all the time.

I have an appointment with DR T next week, but I don't like him and make sure I only talk to him about medication. I don't find him the most compassionate of people. So, I am not able to open up to him.

So, I suppose for the time being my thoughts will just stick with me. I will try and let the healthy adult in more. But, I am not sure how I can do that.