Struggles

G told me I am craving self harm as for me it's an addiction. So, one way to look at the urges are as a craving and to see them as a positive thing. Because, if I have an urge/craving, it means I haven't given in to it. Can kind of see his point. So, I told him to give up smoking and to when he wants one to enjoy that craving and see it as a positive thing as he is not doing something that is dangerous to his health.

I can kind of see his point. But, I don't like that way of looking at it.

The stubborn, angry person inside of me is thinking this whole thing is a load of bollocks. I can sit there and listen to him telling me that if I SH, it won't just be the once, it will become more frequent, I will give in to it easier next time, it then leads to me having suicidal feelings and my behaviour getting more and more risky. I know he's right, deep down the rational person inside of me knows that what he says makes sense and usually, those patterns do start. But, on the other hand I was sitting there, like an angry teenager thinking you don't know me, it's all a load of crap, I can do what I want, I can be in control and I can manage it. After Wednesday next week, it's OK for me to go and cut. It's OK for me to do it. I can do it just the once. I can be in control.

This part of me is winning at the moment. I have pretty much told myself that, after next Wednesday, if I still feel the same, then I will let myself cut. The short term gratification of cutting is winning. I haven't got a day set as to when I will allow myself to. But, it will be OK.

I feel as though I am all broken up in to separate parts. They don't merge together. I am finding it really hard.

I feel quite on my own at the moment. I have not formed any relationships with anyone on the course. In fact, I find everyone annoying and childish. I have these paranoid feelings that people are talking about me behind my back. The two people that I spend my time with, the two people are closest to my age, have become quite cliquey together. I don't know how much of it is a mask, but they are those over happy people. Use over exaggerated hand movements, do jazz hands a lot, and all of that type of annoying stuff. OK, writing this down makes it sound quite pathetic how I am feeling. It's their vibe, attitude etc that I find it all really annoying. The sniggering. All of that. I feel quite different from everyone. I know that I probably am not. OK, they won't have spent any or as much time in hospital. They won't act like I do. But, a lot of these people will have huge problems and be struggling as much as I am. I need to try and give people more slack. I need to stop thinking that no one else has ever had mental health problems and they don't understand it/me. Because, I am sure many of these people will.

But, then on the other hand, I am surrounded by kids. Many of them are still living sheltered lives. Don't understand mental health and see mental health and self harm as something crazy people do. Maybe, I am being a bit harsh. But, I can't help the way I feel. It annoys me that many of the people in the class probably don't want to be there. But, they have to be as they need to be in education or training of some form until they are 18/19. The course doesn't cost them anything and they have probably seen it as the easy option. So they chose that thinking it would be fun. Then, there's me who is paying over 5k a year to go to college to learn these new skills so that I can make something of myself. It just annoys me. I had my chance though. I did get my free education, I have been their age and did A Levels as I didn't want to work in a shitty job. I was 18 when I went to college. I got my A Levels that I didn't have to pay for. Then I went to uni to get my degree. So, I can't moan I suppose, I had my opportunity. But, saying that, I wasn't forced in to college etc. The government didn't say I had to be in education or training. Young people are choosing courses now because they have to be in education, and courses like I'm doing, are possibly seen as the easy option. So, that is tough. When you have people who don't really want to be there there, and I'm there and paying so much. It's annoying. I went to college and did A Levels because I wanted to be there, and everyone I was with also wanted to be there.

OK rant over.