Title says it all really.
After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.
I feel so alone. I feel awful.
My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.
And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.
And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.
That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.
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11 comments:
Hi kat
I noticed you havent posted for a while I really hope you are ok. Xx
Hi kat im worried about you please drop a line just to say your ok x
Does anyone know if kat is ok ?
yes seriously this really bothers me I check every night to see if she has posted...
Me too its really not like her to not update her blog for so long :/
I have to say its not looking good ive still been checking but nothing ive even emailed someone who was loosely connected it seems but heard nothing theres no way to find out if kat is ok if anyone knows anything please leave a comment thankyou
Does anyone have her on facebook?
I have her kat moss facebook but very unlikely that any part of that is her real name. Also there is no posts on there since december either. Kat has never not posted for this long even when in PICU or under section. She has attempted suicide several times in the past the last attempt was very serious and she was in a coma on icu ward. In the last post it mentions contacting the crht which given how much progress she has made would only have been a last resort step since they have been a trigger in the past due to not helping at all. I cant see any other reason why she would not post ..its been half a year. If anyone knows anything at all please leave a comment. Some of us have been following kats blog for years and care for her well being a great deal. Thankyou
For anyone who was worried kat is alive and well. :)
Why did she stop blogging? Is she coming back? If you know her could you ask her to drop all of us that follow this blog a line? I think a lot of people have been really worried.
I dont know kat personally but I messaged someone who knows her to see if she was ok. They said she was doing well and moving on with her life and that they would pass the message on. I dont know anything more than that
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