Waiting...

The police were involved again last night. They came round with the mobile triage nurse. I had told crisis team on the phone how I was feeling and that I had been ODing as a self harm thing. Not enough to end my life. But, it chills me out a little and enables me to take a step back. I told them this last night, I got really pissed off at the woman I was speaking to and I hung up on her. Then a while later I have a phone call from the police telling me they are sending someone round to talk to me. They called an ambulance but I said I wasn't going as I knew the dose wasn't life threatening. They didn't make me go which was lucky.

So, spoke to duty again today and she said she had spoke to my doctor and they believed that I should consider an admission. I said I didn't really want to do that. I asked if it was possible to see someone first before they go and make the decision (I love how they make you think it's your decision). So within 30 minutes they had sent 2 people out to me. The first thing they said was I needed to be in and that essentially that was the plan. But, currently there are no beds available. So, I am on the waiting list. No idea how long it will be. It was a week last time. Pretty shit.

Can't say I am too keen on going in. Who would be. But, I know the option is me ending everything. The urges are so strong and are taking over.

I honestly believe at the moment that things would be better if I were not around. I wouldn't be a burden on people, I wouldn't mess up their lives, I wouldn't be enduring the suffering any more. People will get over it in time. I'm not going to get over this. Yes, that is selfish thinking, but, I can't deal with this for the rest of my life.

So, now, I just have the waiting to do.