Still Waiting

I don't expect there will be a bed today. And not over the weekend, so I guess it'll be next week.

I had a visit from crisis team yesterday. I had left some empty pill packets on the table and some things I had straightened out and then swallowed. He asked me about it and I couldn't lie. So I told him I had been taking small ODs as a form of self harm. I knew that taking those particular pill is not effective. It can cause damage long term, but, I don't think I am taking enough of it. Anyway, I told the guy who came and he asked me to go to ED. I said no. So, he said he was going to go and speak to his team. An hour later I have a phone call telling me he has called an ambulance as he has a duty of care etc etc etc. A bit after that I get a phone call from ambulance control asking me if I wanted one. I said no, it's ok thanks. So they said ok, we won't send one. And it was left at that.

I'm not going to sit in the hospital hours for them to tell me I don't need treatment and then be assessed by the psychology team within the hospital. They have no idea of anything about me, they go right back to the beginning asking things like when I first self harmed, what my childhood was like etc etc etc. Then write a letter to my GP and Dr T telling them a history that they probably know off by heart. And they usually get bits wrong, like my age, if I am in a relationship etc etc.

Bit worried though that they are still trying to get in contact with Dr T. I am worried what he is going to say. I think it will be one of three options. The first being that he says that I am pushing them by taking these ODs (it's not that, once I have taken a small OD I feel much more calm and chilled out, the anxiety goes, I feel as though I can sit and relax a little. But I am worried I may be seen as being manipulative or attention seeking. It's why I didn't tell them to start off with, they figured it out for themselves), and say I obviously don't want help if I am not engaging properly and am manipulating them in to getting a bed in a hospital I know, and I wouldn't have turned down a bed that they found 40miles away. For me the reason that I have turned down that bed there are a couple of reasons. One, it's bloody miles away. OK, I am not planning on telling family and friends where I am, but I don't want to be miles away in a place I don't know. Two, I have no relationship with the staff at all. I worry that being in an unfamiliar environment will make me worse and more impulsive as I don't feel as though I can approach anyone. If I do get worse, I worry that because the staff don't know me will flap and I will end up in a PICU, and on a downward spiral. And, I know that the ward they want to send me to is made up by more than half of the beds being dementia and elderly care. I worked on the ward years ago and because of this there were a lot of incontinent patients, there was never enough staff on the ward and was a horrible place.

So, that's why I have said I don't want to go there.

But, I am worried that Dr T may turn round and say because I am not seeking medical treatment and I am not engaging properly (as I have not taken an available bed) that he wants me to have a MHA assessment because of non engagement. I have never had one sprung on me before. I have been aware that they are going to happen. I have only ever had one in my own home, the rest have been while I was in hospital, either on a 136, from a 2 to a 3 or when I was informal and they changed it to a 2. The one that I did have in my own home I was informed the day before that they would be coming and at what time. So, I don't think they would just spring one on me. But, then on the other hand, I think if I knew they were going to do that I would do a disappearing act. Not sure where I would go, but I certainly wouldn't be around when they came to see me.

Reading this back it does sound as though I am manipulating people. It is not intentional. I am not sure if it is but I think it could be seen as though. I don't want to take the risk of going to a place I don't know and it making me worse and ending up on a section. I get scared and I can't control impulses and I don't think straight. Well, less straight than now even. I don't know any of the staff and don't have a relationship with any of them. At least at the main psych hospital which is local I know most the staff. I can talk to them and they know me quite well. Surly it's better to be in an environment that would be more therapeutic. I suppose the other hospital it would keep me safe. Maybe I should take the bed and ask that I am transferred as soon as a bed becomes available.

I'll give it a couple of hours and ring again and speak to the guy who I spoke to earlier.